Despondency

I have always been depressed probably since I was about seven years old.  I can remember being a child and not being able to find the self worth I had.  Something even now I still struggle with as a twenty year old women.  The problem though was I grew up with little support through the problem.  I went from an energetic, imaginative and outgoing child to someone who was slowly closing them self off from the world.  I remember reaching out and being rejected and that probably did the most damage to me over time.  Trying to find help from the people I loved and cared about, but being turned down or pushed away or having others get upset toward me because I wasn’t doing well.  It was soul shattering and it made me feel like I wasn’t loved.  It made me feel like when I needed somebody the most that they wouldn’t be there.  That’s a hard feat to go through as a child and it constantly left me stressed out and emotionally damaged.  I felt like I wasn’t good enough to care about or love.

So growing up as a teenager I didn’t make good friends with people.  I made damaging friendships that left me winded every time.  I remember in elementary school making a friend, she was my bestfriend for six years.  We had developed a very close friendship and we got along most of the time, but she was abusive and I was the victim.  If I did something wrong she was have a meltdown, hit me and scream at me like I was this terrible person.  Yes, she probably had some form of mental disorder too but what she did wasn’t acceptable and what it did to me made me feel like a bad friend.  ‘I can’t be a good friend because I can’t make the right choices, I make her upset too much.  I am wrong.’  I took it out on myself and I felt helpless and extremely negative toward myself.  That one friendship set the tone for the rest of my friendships through highschool.  I was the victim.  I was treated poorly and than made to feel like I was the bad guy.  I was used constantly, I was bullied and I was made to feel as small as possible because I was weak.

I did over time go to receive help because I couldn’t manage my issues properly trying everything in the books and more.  Sadly though this has been the most difficult issue I have ever chose to overcome because it is an ongoing battle.  A battle I can’t just take a break from and a battle I can’t hide from.  It always finds me and it always makes me pay when I run from it.  Yet, everyday I have people tell me that I just need to think positive.  It’s not that bad.  They don’t know how it feels though.

Depression feels like a bottomless pit that I’ve fallen into and there’s no escaping.

It feels like waking up and not having the energy to even sit up in the bed, not having the energy to move or even breath.

It’s sleeping all day just because you don’t want to deal with what’s going on or struggling to sleep for days because your mind is busy torturing you.

It’s constantly using distractions because I fear that if I sit still too long my brain will swallow me alive and that’ll be the end.

It’s those deep negative thoughts that keep you up at night ripping little holes in your self esteem leaving you damaged for the next day.

Depression is feeling guilty for every thing you can’t do now and you can’t do properly.  It’s being guilty for not providing enough or feelings like you just can’t give the right amount.

It’s concentrating so hard, but just not having the ability to focus even though you know you need to.  You just can’t.

It’s being upset, irritable and angry.  Everything gets on your nerves, even the small things and you just feel like you can’t tolerate a single thing.

It’s feeling lost and scared and wanting to reach out and seek for assistance, but feeling like you don’t deserve it.

It’s feeling like everyone is ignoring you or doesn’t want you to be a part of their life, when in reality they’re busy.

You feel like a burden to those around you because you’re so bogged down.

To me depression makes you feel like you’re looking at everything upside down.  You are trapped inside this bubble of shame and when you try and find your worth in a situation, you can’t.  So it makes it so easy for yourself to start cutting little holes into your ego and slowly that seeps into your friendships.  Something just recently I had to go through again after all these years.  Somebody I loves so much and cared so much about.  I felt like I was destroying our relationship when we were dating, I was so much to handle and deal with and the longer we dated the more I felt depressed.  It wasn’t him though I was already going downhill before we started dating.  I was trying so hard to prove I was a good girlfriend even though everyday I felt terrible.  I tried so hard to be extra affectionate, as loving as I possibly could be and doing everything in my power to make our relationship as inviting as possible.  I was exhausted by the amount of effort I put into it and when we broke up I felt shattered.

The break up was complicated.  For me I felt like I was fighting as hard as I possibly could to keep somebody who meant a whole lot to me that didn’t want to be there.  Which he didn’t, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t want one right now.  I still fought though because I didn’t want to give up and I wanted my safe place.  He was the first person in a while to really express love and affection toward me, he made everything in my head to quiet when I was with him and I felt safe.  I didn’t feel constantly in edge and like I was going to explode when I was close to him.  I wanted to keep that.  I wanted somebody to love me like I was the most precious thing they’ve ever held.  He was giving me everything he felt he could though and I just couldn’t accept that. I guess feeling so down under at that moment I wanted to be scooped up and coddled.  I wanted somebody to look at me and tell me how much they love and and how important I am to them.  I wanted to hear that I was actually needed.

Sadly over the last while I have ruined not only my bonded with him, but our friendship because of my depression.  After a talk, he took away everything I held so dear to my heart.  All our cuddle time, receiving sweet kisses from him and being held, laying in bed and just listening to him talk or listening to his heartbeat.  At that moment I felt punished even though I believe he was trying to do the right thing for us.  I felt like I was punished and I turned away scared and upset.  I shut down.  I stopped talking to him because I felt like I wasn’t wanted anymore.  I felt like I was being pushed away for really needing him and I also realize I regret the conversation we had because it wasn’t exactly how I felt.  It was how my depression felt and I made the choice to talk well upset instead of waiting till I calmed down about things.

What made it worse was that week after was just like hell on heels.  A little over a day later I had actually gotten beat up, something that hasn’t happened in a few years.  It was by some stupid kids who were trespassing and I came out and shoo them away and ended up with some bruises.  What I really remember though was being scared after and wanting to seek out comfort from the person I loved, but than instantly sinking into my shell because I realized I lost my place with him.  I couldn’t go to him the way I normally did.  That was when I realized I made a mistake in my actions with him.  I couldn’t go to him when I was scared because I didn’t feel like he would hold me or tell me everything was okay and that he was here, he wouldn’t stay with me and sleep in my bed with me because I was scared to go to sleep.  So I sat and I hollowed myself out and I ran away from my feelings.

Depression left me in a dreadful position because I try so hard to make myself comfortable and to make everything work and when I can’t I feel like a terrible person for not being able to.  And being in the position I am now has made it much harder, but I do realize I don’t need that man to be a part of my life I don’t need anybody.  I got on just fine without people, but I want him there to love me and be the person I feel safe with if something goes wrong.  I want him just to be there, he didn’t need to do anything other than be somebody I could look to for safety.  That’s the hard thing about depression though is I am always going to look for safety because I need to or else I just hide in fear.  I realize though that not everyone wants to be a part of that nor do they want the burden.  If he wants to keep me away than I wont argue, I’ll just let him go.  I realize now that I can’t hold anybody down, if they want to go I need to let them leave because it’s their choice and maybe they can be happier without me.

 

Love hurts

How do you love?

That’s a good question and probably one of the hardest ones to answer.  You can’t fully answer it, but you can give enough to let people see how you see it.  For one person love is holding somebody close and comforting them in their time of need, while for another it’s realizing you need to let them go so they can become something better.

Love is something powerful and it makes us do stupid things like sit and wait for someone who may never want you or bend over backwards, even though you can’t actually bend that far.  I believe what I learned though is love hurts, it burns and it makes your insides boil and sadly often more for one person than another.  Love wasn’t made to be equal, that’s something you have to choose to do on your own.  Love is feelings and people tend to feel and express differently as we are all individuals.  So say you have a couple, one is a very emotional person who tends to feel a lot and you have one who isn’t super emotional and a lot more reserved.  Often the emotional one feels more because that’s their chemistry, their personality, their behavior.  So for them it’s easy to love, it’s easy to give and it’s easy to get hurt.  While the other might find it easier to hide all their feelings and just kinda shrug their shoulders and go.

That’s been my problem for years.  I am so sensitive and I often feel way more than I should so it makes for a hellish experience.  It’s even harder to love somebody for myself, I’m depressed and for me I can’t help myself I always look at the absolutely worse things.  I just bog myself down with as much miserable bullshit as I can think of till I feel so terrible I can’t even look at myself.  So how do you love somebody when you hate yourself?

Simple, I don’t always hate myself.  Being depressed for me, it’s like being on a roller coaster.  It’s up and down.  Sometimes I am totally okay but it only takes maybe a second or two of miserable feelings for me to feel like I hit rock bottom.  Yet people seem to think it’s so hard to deal with me.  I’m too much of an attention seeker, I am too needy, I am boring, I am this and I am that.  No, I am a fucking person.

When someone says I am an attention seeker or I am needy, I honestly want to scream bloody murder at them.  I am not attention seeking, I am a kind fucking person.  I go out of my way to see how you’re doing, talk about your day and talk about mine. Yes, I do complain.  Yet so does the rest of the human population so it’s no different when I complain or bitch, so you should get that stick out of your ass.  I am also not needy, I don’t need anybody and I have realized that.  I am better off without most people, but I kept you around because there is some enjoyment in your company.  So don’t call me needy because I want your time and attention, don’t call me needy because I want to talk and don’t call me needy because I put fucking effort into something.  If I care about somebody I try to always give them the attention they deserve, which was what I did for you, I cared.  So I asked and give you attention.

Don’t call me boring.  I am not boring, I am an exquisite person with so much to give in this world and so much fun, sorry you can’t see that.  Sorry that when we hungout I was always bombed and high, sorry that I can’t talk much or do much when I am messed up.  Who’s fault was that?  Certainly not mine, you were the one who always brought the shit into the mix.  You offered it.  So sorry I wasn’t the most lively person, sorry I never did much when we spent time together and sorry that I bored you to death.  It must have been a miserable time for you.

Don’t push me down for your own entertainment, old friend.  You were the reason I almost never loved again, because you made caring and loving you miserable.  You made it like I was so much work.  Like I was there too much when in reality all I wanted was to see how you were doing.  You used me for entertainment and eventually threw me away like trash.  I felt like trash, I felt like a disappointment because in the end you talked me down so much that I thought exactly what you said was true.

I’m frigid.

I’m too shy.

I’m not engaging enough.

I need too much attention.

I’m not encouraging enough.

I’m not attractive.

I’m fat.

I am ugly.

I am boring.

I am not enthusiastic enough.

And the list goes on.  You made me see so many bad qualities about myself and you turned my good qualities into bad qualities.  You made love hurt, you made me feel ashamed for wanting to express affection and you made me feel bad about caring for you.  Even over a year later the damage you carved into me in three years time is still there.  It still haunts me and still makes every day miserable to deal with.  The fact that it’s taken this long to heal from you is horrendous.  I have to thank you though, even through all the pain you caused me I realized something.  You never loved me, not even once.  You gave me a new light in life, what not to look for when you’re seeking love.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 28/29/30

This is my last post in this section.

To think thirty days ago I started really think about what I wanted, what I needed and where I wanted to go with people and without people.  You know what really sucks, thirty days isn’t enough to figure out shit but it’s enough time to get an idea.  It’s enough time to realize I kept around a lot of shitty people in my life who offered me very little but expected me to throw away everything for them.  I was at their beck and call and without them I do feel lost.  Not because I miss them though but because my life revolved around them an unhealthy amount and it seems thats one of my worse behaviors.  I rely on company more than I thought I did and I am having a hard time just being alone.  When I think about it, I feel sad.  I only have one friend who lives near me when I see if I am lucky once a week if he even has the time to spare for me.

I realize that I always put people before myself who really barely put me first at all.  Which means I work like a dog for barely any reward at all, I suffer and get hurt for somebody who could really care less.  Which isn’t fair to myself.  I should be looking for the better things in life and stop wasting my time on people who can’t find the time to spend with me or can’t handle the fact that I am not at their heels barking like a dog.  I am not here for other peoples enjoyments and it’s already hard to enjoy life when you’re depressed so why would I even bother wasting the little bit of joy I do have on people who don’t deserve it.

I am going to move forward into life, into my career and I am going to build a future for myself.

I am going to work on my horsewomen skills, my riding skills and I am going to compete this year and start jumping.  I am going to conquer my fears.

I am going to work towards bettering myself and handling my depression and anxiety more fluidly.

I am going to work on detaching myself from unhealthy relations with people so I can move forward without being pulled back.

I am going to figure out what kind of person I want in my life more significantly, I want someone to grow with and to share important parts of my life with.

I simply want to move forward.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 27

A touchy subject, something I almost want to scream at everyone.

False friendships.  I actually have a male friends who had an issue with friendships, particularly female friendships and it honestly bugs me seeing how shitty he is treated and he doesn’t realize that most of them don’t care about them.  Friends don’t treat each other that way.  Female are often a complex being and I see so often that people excuse their bad behavior for them being them, it’s their time of month, women are just gossipy, ect.  It’s bullshit, don’t let a women treat you like trash!

If she isn’t getting to know you and only complains to you, she doesn’t care about you.  Friendships, especially with emotional and mentally strong women, are a wonderful thing because to me I always feel like women dig a little deeper than men.  I myself have always found women get to know me quick than men every time and I have had a multitude of friends from gay to straight.  Like any normal functioning friendship though people get to know each other, they talk bout their life and what new things they are planning to do but it’s equal.  Often you’ll meet the toxic she-devils though who don’t make it equal they only come and complain and talk about them and they don’t give a flying fuck about your life.  They just want to use you as a dumping site and when they’re done they’re gone.  Trust me when I say you’re not  garbage can, you’re a human being.

If she can go from sweet to completely insulting, she doesn’t care about you.  I have seen this time and time again especially with women.  You have a female friend who is very kind towards you when she’s getting everything her way, but dare you change something or say something she doesn’t like she’ll lite a fire under your ass.  That’s not a friend, that’s a monster.  If she constantly has to pick a fight with your choices she doesn’t care about what you want or your happiness, if she sees you with a girl and she doesn’t like it and makes you feel terrible for wanting to be with somebody than she doesn’t care about you, if she shoots in form of insults that are more than just a “fuck you” than she is 100% not a friend.

She never returns a favor, advice or anything, she doesn’t care about you.  If you do something really nice for her she should do the same, that’s the nice thing to do.  I don’t mean go out and buy you a care, but maybe you write her a nice letter or something thanking her so she goes and takes you out for a coffee.  Maybe she rants the crap out of you and you sit and listen so she makes you lunch next time you hangout.  A good friend returns the kindness, a bad friend takes and takes till you have nothing left to give.

She’s only interested in what you can offer; sex, money, advice, trips, ect.  She doesn’t care about you, she’s just using you.  This is a golden one right here, much like men women use and often I find women to use others far more than men.  Lots of women like men (and women) for what they can offer and you should never allow yourself to fall victim to this kind of treatment.  You aren’t there to hand out prizes for her.  You want someone who is there for just your company, not all the trips and luxuries she can get out of you.

She breaks promises, plans and commitments to you.  She doesn’t care about you.  Lots of times people can make booboo’s in their plans, but thats one thing and this is another.  You make plans and she cancels on you constantly she doesn’t care.  If she promises she wont do something than continues to do it anyways than she doesn’t care.  If she just simply can’t respect you, your choices and what you ask of her than she doesn’t care.  Good friends understand when you ask them not to do something because it bothers you or upsets you, they make sure that they have time for you and make sure you’re happy.

If she chews you out for making a mistake, doing something she doesn’t like or saying something she doesn’t like.  She doesn’t care about you.  This is another one that really gets at me a lot when I see it happen.  She gets upset or mad because you did something she didn’t like so she freaks out at you.  I can tell you right now a good friend would be happy for you no matter what, like say you just started dating someone if she was really a good friend to you she’d congratulate you and wish you happiness. She wouldn’t attack you over stupid stuff, that’s not friendly.

If she ignores you constantly, she doesn’t care about you.  This should actually be a tip for people in general, if someone was really important to you than you’d make time to talk and hangout.  No questions asked.  If they don’t care about you than why would they bother answering you?  They probably have better things to do and I guarantee you probably do too.  This honestly normally is one sided, most of the time you end up making most of the effort to have conversations and hangouts, this person spends little time trying to spend time with you because they just don’t want to.  You have lost your spot quickly and they’ll move on.  So should you.

Don’t let a women walk all over you just because you kinda hope she might be a good friend.  If she can’t put you 100% first in a friendship than you shouldn’t either.  Don’t waste your time especially when there are so many other people who could fill that position so much better than they could.  You deserve happy so make a happy choice, choose to pick better people who want to see you succeed and grow.

I Fell In Love

I fell in love with him.

 

It wasn’t what possessions he had in life, what time he could offer or even how wonderful of a lover he was.  I just fell in love with him.  I loved his smile, it was so infectious. I loved the way his cheeks would bunch up when he would grin and he always managed to give me the worse case of butterflies, the kind young school girls got on their first crush.  He still does.  It always made my tummy turn in knots when he smiled because I felt so silly when I was smiling and half the time couldn’t help myself when I turn away from him bashfully.  Have you ever had someone make your heart flip just because they smiled at you?

I fell in love with his genuine kindness, even though it has been abashed by those who don’t return the favor, it never made me stop loving the sincerity and compassion he would offer me.  I thought it was so admirable, a brave feature to have in a world so cruel.  A kindness he often offered to me with sweet words and a gentle touch.  It was hard not to find security in him in what he offered me.  He always made it as comfortable as he could.

I fell in love with the way he wrapped his arms around me in the middle of the night, how he would be half asleep and still tenderly kiss the back of my shoulder.  He just always made those moments feel so right and peaceful.  It was full of affection you couldn’t find anywhere else.  It made me want to spend every night in bed with him snuggled under the blankets in his warm arms where I knew I would be totally safe.  I never once questioned my safety with him, never.

I fell in love with how easy it was to be myself.  I grew up in a life where I constantly had to impress, I had to be better and better, yet often couldn’t manage such things.  It was a soul sucking choice in life and often left me drained and feeling down.  Yet he made me feel like I was just perfect, I was enough, I didn’t need to force an absurd amount of effort out just to impress him.  He was already impressed with exactly who I was, flaws and everything.  He made me feel special, like a princess.  Like I was his diamond in the rough.

I fell in love with the way he would look at me with that sweet fond expression of his and how it always makes me melt on the inside.  He always would look at me just right with that big goofy grin of his and a sweet little compliment and it would turn me into instant goo.  I could barely get an understandable word out.  I was just so excited to be in his presence because he is freaking wonderful.

I fell in love with the way he would gently hold my hand and entangle his fingers with mine and it felt perfect.  He always held me with such tenderness.  It was always a sweet embrace and there was nothing I loved more than to be wrapped up in his arms every time I was with him.  It was like for a moment everything troubling was gone and I could happily just be with him in our happy bubble listening to the steady beat of his heart.

I fell in love with his adventurous side and how I could easily just follow him into anything.  Even the worst of my anxiety hasn’t ever stopped me when I was exploring new things with him or going out to new places with him.  I loved how he just manage to quiet everything inside of me down, I love how it’s just the two of us when we’re together and I loved how safe and secure I felt with him.

I fell in love because he never get mad at me even when I would sit in the car for five-ten minutes just enjoying resting my head on his shoulder because I wasn’t not ready to say goodbye yet.  He never got mad when I wanted one last kiss and another one and another one and another one.  He just happily gave me what made my heart sing and it made me fall in love a little more each time.

I fell in love with the idea that he was just perfect for me, even with every flaw and every mistake we made between each other.  He was perfect to me and I loved every little thing about him because that was what made him so special to me.  He was and still is my big teddy bear, my safe place and the person I always look up to when I’m unsure about everything going on in life.

I fell in love with not what he could offer, but his company and character.  I never needed every waking moment with him to be perfect, we could have just two hours together and I was extremely content with that.  All that mattered to me was that the time was spent with him.  And even with everything that has gone on, I would take him back in a heart beat because he’s the man I want in my life.  I’ve never met somebody I found so perfect when everything was going so wrong.

I fell in love with a man who was golden from start to finish.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 26

Down to crunch time, it’s the last few days of that journey and to be honest I feel so much better and worse at the same time.  I still don’t have a solid answer to everything I want and I am learning I don’t want answers to half the things I questioned 26 days ago.  I feel like my perspective has changed a lot and my idea of what I was looking for has changed more than I wanted it to.  I feel very content with a lot of the things going on yet very lost in the things I don’t completely understand.

I guess that’ what happens when you suffer through life.  You realize that there is not a lot you an do with change.  You either go with it or you get lost in the current.  I think for a little bit I was just allowing myself to drown and I was deliberately holding my head under water because that was all I really knew how to do.  I feel a lot more at ease though now.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 23/24/25

Sorry for the slow posts guys, I’ve just been very busy lately.  I’ve had a lot going on over the past few days which has made it hard to get on and make well thought out posts.  I guess that’s what you get for choosing to start your own career, there’s no time for you.  I did have a day though that really caught my interest, one of my friends asked me why I started dating my ex, what drove me to ask him to be my boyfriend, what drove me to continue the relationship and why did I stay after we broke up.  All good questions.

I had to think a moment before answering her, there were so many reasons why he became such an important person in my life but how did you explain why.  Well, I told her this.  There was a time when I didn’t find myself attractive, I felt ugly and undesirable, yet he changed that so effortlessly.  When I thought nobody would every truly love me or care about me and he change that too.  He changed the way touching felt to me, he changed the way I felt when something was intimidating.  I didn’t hide from him.  Worried or not I could approach at my own free will.  It wasn’t a terrible struggle.

Over time I had developed a security in him that I didn’t believe anybody else could offer me, it was unique, it was his way even if he didn’t notice he was doing it.  He had been such a sweetheart to me and it was soothing.  It was a change for me too though, I hadn’t ever really received the kindness he offered me in my life.  I grew up with a lot of empty gestures and fake kindness that often got me physically hurt and emotionally damaged.  It was different with him though he was such a gentle person with this warm soul that just made me melt on the inside.  I wanted to have happy moments with him.  I wanted to continue on in life with this wonderful man.

When I first met him it was his personality that won me over, his kindness and his gentle nature that made me want to make him mine.  The way he held my hand and kissed my forehead just brought so much to me that nobody was offering.  I had to have him.  It’s the same reason I stay after we broke up too, because he still offered m the same kindness and the same gentle hand that I feel in love with.

We had so many bumps in the road though, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and we both seemed to be going in different directions at this point.  I can tell you one thing though I would do this over and over again with him even if it still hurt.  I was endure it because he is a great man and this was one of the most memorable moments in my life.  I wouldn’t give it up for anything.