My Thirty Day Journey: Day 27

A touchy subject, something I almost want to scream at everyone.

False friendships.  I actually have a male friends who had an issue with friendships, particularly female friendships and it honestly bugs me seeing how shitty he is treated and he doesn’t realize that most of them don’t care about them.  Friends don’t treat each other that way.  Female are often a complex being and I see so often that people excuse their bad behavior for them being them, it’s their time of month, women are just gossipy, ect.  It’s bullshit, don’t let a women treat you like trash!

If she isn’t getting to know you and only complains to you, she doesn’t care about you.  Friendships, especially with emotional and mentally strong women, are a wonderful thing because to me I always feel like women dig a little deeper than men.  I myself have always found women get to know me quick than men every time and I have had a multitude of friends from gay to straight.  Like any normal functioning friendship though people get to know each other, they talk bout their life and what new things they are planning to do but it’s equal.  Often you’ll meet the toxic she-devils though who don’t make it equal they only come and complain and talk about them and they don’t give a flying fuck about your life.  They just want to use you as a dumping site and when they’re done they’re gone.  Trust me when I say you’re not  garbage can, you’re a human being.

If she can go from sweet to completely insulting, she doesn’t care about you.  I have seen this time and time again especially with women.  You have a female friend who is very kind towards you when she’s getting everything her way, but dare you change something or say something she doesn’t like she’ll lite a fire under your ass.  That’s not a friend, that’s a monster.  If she constantly has to pick a fight with your choices she doesn’t care about what you want or your happiness, if she sees you with a girl and she doesn’t like it and makes you feel terrible for wanting to be with somebody than she doesn’t care about you, if she shoots in form of insults that are more than just a “fuck you” than she is 100% not a friend.

She never returns a favor, advice or anything, she doesn’t care about you.  If you do something really nice for her she should do the same, that’s the nice thing to do.  I don’t mean go out and buy you a care, but maybe you write her a nice letter or something thanking her so she goes and takes you out for a coffee.  Maybe she rants the crap out of you and you sit and listen so she makes you lunch next time you hangout.  A good friend returns the kindness, a bad friend takes and takes till you have nothing left to give.

She’s only interested in what you can offer; sex, money, advice, trips, ect.  She doesn’t care about you, she’s just using you.  This is a golden one right here, much like men women use and often I find women to use others far more than men.  Lots of women like men (and women) for what they can offer and you should never allow yourself to fall victim to this kind of treatment.  You aren’t there to hand out prizes for her.  You want someone who is there for just your company, not all the trips and luxuries she can get out of you.

She breaks promises, plans and commitments to you.  She doesn’t care about you.  Lots of times people can make booboo’s in their plans, but thats one thing and this is another.  You make plans and she cancels on you constantly she doesn’t care.  If she promises she wont do something than continues to do it anyways than she doesn’t care.  If she just simply can’t respect you, your choices and what you ask of her than she doesn’t care.  Good friends understand when you ask them not to do something because it bothers you or upsets you, they make sure that they have time for you and make sure you’re happy.

If she chews you out for making a mistake, doing something she doesn’t like or saying something she doesn’t like.  She doesn’t care about you.  This is another one that really gets at me a lot when I see it happen.  She gets upset or mad because you did something she didn’t like so she freaks out at you.  I can tell you right now a good friend would be happy for you no matter what, like say you just started dating someone if she was really a good friend to you she’d congratulate you and wish you happiness. She wouldn’t attack you over stupid stuff, that’s not friendly.

If she ignores you constantly, she doesn’t care about you.  This should actually be a tip for people in general, if someone was really important to you than you’d make time to talk and hangout.  No questions asked.  If they don’t care about you than why would they bother answering you?  They probably have better things to do and I guarantee you probably do too.  This honestly normally is one sided, most of the time you end up making most of the effort to have conversations and hangouts, this person spends little time trying to spend time with you because they just don’t want to.  You have lost your spot quickly and they’ll move on.  So should you.

Don’t let a women walk all over you just because you kinda hope she might be a good friend.  If she can’t put you 100% first in a friendship than you shouldn’t either.  Don’t waste your time especially when there are so many other people who could fill that position so much better than they could.  You deserve happy so make a happy choice, choose to pick better people who want to see you succeed and grow.

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I Fell In Love

I fell in love with him.

 

It wasn’t what possessions he had in life, what time he could offer or even how wonderful of a lover he was.  I just fell in love with him.  I loved his smile, it was so infectious. I loved the way his cheeks would bunch up when he would grin and he always managed to give me the worse case of butterflies, the kind young school girls got on their first crush.  He still does.  It always made my tummy turn in knots when he smiled because I felt so silly when I was smiling and half the time couldn’t help myself when I turn away from him bashfully.  Have you ever had someone make your heart flip just because they smiled at you?

I fell in love with his genuine kindness, even though it has been abashed by those who don’t return the favor, it never made me stop loving the sincerity and compassion he would offer me.  I thought it was so admirable, a brave feature to have in a world so cruel.  A kindness he often offered to me with sweet words and a gentle touch.  It was hard not to find security in him in what he offered me.  He always made it as comfortable as he could.

I fell in love with the way he wrapped his arms around me in the middle of the night, how he would be half asleep and still tenderly kiss the back of my shoulder.  He just always made those moments feel so right and peaceful.  It was full of affection you couldn’t find anywhere else.  It made me want to spend every night in bed with him snuggled under the blankets in his warm arms where I knew I would be totally safe.  I never once questioned my safety with him, never.

I fell in love with how easy it was to be myself.  I grew up in a life where I constantly had to impress, I had to be better and better, yet often couldn’t manage such things.  It was a soul sucking choice in life and often left me drained and feeling down.  Yet he made me feel like I was just perfect, I was enough, I didn’t need to force an absurd amount of effort out just to impress him.  He was already impressed with exactly who I was, flaws and everything.  He made me feel special, like a princess.  Like I was his diamond in the rough.

I fell in love with the way he would look at me with that sweet fond expression of his and how it always makes me melt on the inside.  He always would look at me just right with that big goofy grin of his and a sweet little compliment and it would turn me into instant goo.  I could barely get an understandable word out.  I was just so excited to be in his presence because he is freaking wonderful.

I fell in love with the way he would gently hold my hand and entangle his fingers with mine and it felt perfect.  He always held me with such tenderness.  It was always a sweet embrace and there was nothing I loved more than to be wrapped up in his arms every time I was with him.  It was like for a moment everything troubling was gone and I could happily just be with him in our happy bubble listening to the steady beat of his heart.

I fell in love with his adventurous side and how I could easily just follow him into anything.  Even the worst of my anxiety hasn’t ever stopped me when I was exploring new things with him or going out to new places with him.  I loved how he just manage to quiet everything inside of me down, I love how it’s just the two of us when we’re together and I loved how safe and secure I felt with him.

I fell in love because he never get mad at me even when I would sit in the car for five-ten minutes just enjoying resting my head on his shoulder because I wasn’t not ready to say goodbye yet.  He never got mad when I wanted one last kiss and another one and another one and another one.  He just happily gave me what made my heart sing and it made me fall in love a little more each time.

I fell in love with the idea that he was just perfect for me, even with every flaw and every mistake we made between each other.  He was perfect to me and I loved every little thing about him because that was what made him so special to me.  He was and still is my big teddy bear, my safe place and the person I always look up to when I’m unsure about everything going on in life.

I fell in love with not what he could offer, but his company and character.  I never needed every waking moment with him to be perfect, we could have just two hours together and I was extremely content with that.  All that mattered to me was that the time was spent with him.  And even with everything that has gone on, I would take him back in a heart beat because he’s the man I want in my life.  I’ve never met somebody I found so perfect when everything was going so wrong.

I fell in love with a man who was golden from start to finish.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 26

Down to crunch time, it’s the last few days of that journey and to be honest I feel so much better and worse at the same time.  I still don’t have a solid answer to everything I want and I am learning I don’t want answers to half the things I questioned 26 days ago.  I feel like my perspective has changed a lot and my idea of what I was looking for has changed more than I wanted it to.  I feel very content with a lot of the things going on yet very lost in the things I don’t completely understand.

I guess that’ what happens when you suffer through life.  You realize that there is not a lot you an do with change.  You either go with it or you get lost in the current.  I think for a little bit I was just allowing myself to drown and I was deliberately holding my head under water because that was all I really knew how to do.  I feel a lot more at ease though now.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 23/24/25

Sorry for the slow posts guys, I’ve just been very busy lately.  I’ve had a lot going on over the past few days which has made it hard to get on and make well thought out posts.  I guess that’s what you get for choosing to start your own career, there’s no time for you.  I did have a day though that really caught my interest, one of my friends asked me why I started dating my ex, what drove me to ask him to be my boyfriend, what drove me to continue the relationship and why did I stay after we broke up.  All good questions.

I had to think a moment before answering her, there were so many reasons why he became such an important person in my life but how did you explain why.  Well, I told her this.  There was a time when I didn’t find myself attractive, I felt ugly and undesirable, yet he changed that so effortlessly.  When I thought nobody would every truly love me or care about me and he change that too.  He changed the way touching felt to me, he changed the way I felt when something was intimidating.  I didn’t hide from him.  Worried or not I could approach at my own free will.  It wasn’t a terrible struggle.

Over time I had developed a security in him that I didn’t believe anybody else could offer me, it was unique, it was his way even if he didn’t notice he was doing it.  He had been such a sweetheart to me and it was soothing.  It was a change for me too though, I hadn’t ever really received the kindness he offered me in my life.  I grew up with a lot of empty gestures and fake kindness that often got me physically hurt and emotionally damaged.  It was different with him though he was such a gentle person with this warm soul that just made me melt on the inside.  I wanted to have happy moments with him.  I wanted to continue on in life with this wonderful man.

When I first met him it was his personality that won me over, his kindness and his gentle nature that made me want to make him mine.  The way he held my hand and kissed my forehead just brought so much to me that nobody was offering.  I had to have him.  It’s the same reason I stay after we broke up too, because he still offered m the same kindness and the same gentle hand that I feel in love with.

We had so many bumps in the road though, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and we both seemed to be going in different directions at this point.  I can tell you one thing though I would do this over and over again with him even if it still hurt.  I was endure it because he is a great man and this was one of the most memorable moments in my life.  I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 22

“What do you want in a relationship, five things. Go.”

Was what my friend ask me today, totally on the spot.  She was curious.  She wanted to know what I was looking for and she wanted to see if it was similar or different from what she got from other women.  Granted she asked other questions like how I am coping with the break up, do I feel like I really love him, ect.  Curiosity killed the cat guys.  Here are my five wants in a relationship though.

 

Communication.  Not because I am a super feely talky person, I am actually terrified of talking and it’s something I struggle deeply with especially person to person communication.  The reason it lands in the top five is because I struggle communicating.  I need a guy who is willing to put a little extra effort into the communication, someone who will and understand my side and try and make talking comfortable.  For me it has always been a tricky situation because I get super nervous when it comes to talking about my feelings and we I have to talk about a serious situation it intensifies.  I need a man who wont open fire on me when I’m struggling to open up and communicate.  It’s one of the darkest moments for me, the most difficult.  Already being a fairly nervous person I normally don’t like uncomfortable situation.  I want someone who can make even the worst conversation not feel so scary for me.

A life of their own.  I don’t want someone who is hung up on me and I don’t want someone who I end up hung up on.  I want someone who happily lives their life with their own goals, but wants to celebrate those goals with me when they achieve them.  I want someone who might be out with his friends all day but is happy to come back to my place after to just come cuddle and sleep in bed with me.  I want someone who works a long week, goes home and tells me he can’t wait for his days off so he can see my beautiful face.  I want someone who has a life, something thats going on, but wants to include me in his life.  I’m not just a side show attraction, a kinda maybe.  I am a small island in the middle of his heart floating and watching him move forward.

A bond.  One of the most important things for me is bonding time and special quality time.  I like going out and having an adventurous time, going for walks, laying and watching the stars, cuddling in bed and so much more.  Mainly because i can watch my partner and notice their quirks, their habits and their personality.  I like watching how a pair of people ‘mold’ together, how you for habits together and preferences together.  Most importantly though is I like watching myself grow with someone, particularly watching my feelings and love grow for someone and for their’s to do the same.  A bond is this beautiful thing between two human beings that creates such beautiful moments and I want a million moments.

Love.  I don’t just want a relationship, I want love.  I want someone who grabs me and kisses me passionately before telling me how much he loves me.  I want a man who knows I am enough for him, he doesn’t need a single other girl to fill his mind.  I am enough and he loves me.  I want to be the apple of his eye.  I want the purity of love in my relationship because I want whoever I am with to look at me and think about how lucky he is to have me and have him want to spend every moment he has loving me like every one was his last.  I want a love thats more than just unforgettable, I want it legendary.  Pardon me for shooting big, go big or go home.

Security.  That’s the last thing I really look for.  Something I never really tried looking for but I realize it is something I have really been needing in my life.  I want and need to feel secure with the man I am with in order to prosper in a relationship.  Even if he has to give me extra attention sometimes, talk about the same thing three of seven times in a row till I am content with the answer, or just simply tell me he loves me when I feel very sad.  I understand I can be such a handful but it’s so much easier when you feel secure.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 20/21

So today I had a mental break down.

To be honest it was brutal because I felt like everything was swallowing me up and I was in that moment I realized when I really need people they likely aren’t going to be there.  I guess that’s the shitty thing about needing people.  You can’t expect anyone to drop all their shit, that’s not fair.  You can’t expect people to take a deep concern or interest in your problems simply because it’s not their problem.  People don’t want to take more on their plate and if you constantly have problems you bring to them they might feel a lot of pressure.  Which could chase them away.

I don’t bottle it up though, I do that and it’s never the answer.  You need to find balance, know what to bring to certain people.  I guess that’s where I struggle because I don’t know who really cares about me.  Honestly it doesn’t feel like anyone truly cares about me and the sad thing is in the back of my mind I feel like if I died tomorrow I wouldn’t really be missed by anyone I really care about.  It’s a dark thing to think, but how would you feel if you’re struggling so bad and there’s people you really need and you can barely give you the time of day.  I guess this is when you start questioning peoples loyalty.  I do all the time.

I Wish I Told You

There’s so many things I wish I had told you…

Yet there are so many things I always seem to keep secret and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid.  I’ve seen so many things in my life that have left such heavy wounds upon myself that sometimes I still feel like I am bleeding on the inside, theoretically.  Things that time to time I wish I had stopped and talked to you about them so I could get my feet on solid ground.  I’m not like that though.  I always just jump in, even when I know it’s going to hurt me, I jump in.  I always have this fear to get everything over with, that if I don’t just grab the chance it’ll never come again, that if I don’t throw myself into life with extreme vigor I’ll be ridiculed and shamed.

I always felt like I jumped in too fast with us.  It was scary and frightening when I made the choice, I felt like I was walking in the dark and I just wanted out.  So I jumped hoping it would bring me somewhere bright.  Somewhere were I felt like I didn’t have to fear the things that go bump in the night.  I used our relationship as a security blanket because I was afraid if I didn’t snap you up as soon as I could you would leave like everyone else has.  The way some of the closest people have in my life and I really liked you so I just jumped in without thinking it through.

Yet I found so many other things I feared.  So many other things that made it so hard to grow in a relationship. Do you know why I have such a difficult time touching you sexually?  Because I was sexually assaulted.  There’s a story to it too.  I was seventeen, he was a good friend of mine at the time and I had known him for maybe a year.  I was deeply infatuated by him at the time, he was so exciting, but he was pushy and he always wanted sex when I wasn’t totally ready.  So three days into hanging out (he was staying in my town for work, since he lived a town over from me) he decided to force me to do something, fellatio.  I felt like it was my fault because I teased him and because I said I wanted to try he took that as consent and when I opted out because I was scared and not ready he just sat on top of me and did it anyways.  It left a huge scar on me emotionally, a scar later on I deepened even more by acting stupid.

Last year, at the beginning of the year I slept with him.  That was who I lost my virginity to.  I stupidly thought that if I gave him what he wanted that would make him stay longer in my life because down the road I started to care more and more about him despite the terrible thing he did to me.  Than he left.  That was just it, I gave up everything I possibly could to him and he just got up and left me in the dirt wounded.  The terrible thing though was I packed away every last bit of that feeling and eventually it came pouring out in a dark realization that I really wasn’t okay with what had happened between me and him and I feel like it conflicts with my ability to bond with you and to more boldly explore our sexuality together.

To me one of the things I really wanted, particularly when I was fifteen, was to ‘bond with a male’ and I put it that way because at that time I had no male bonds.  I never bonded with my father or my brothers, I had a few male friendships in my younger years but I had never really developed a significant bond with any man in my life.  I was actually scared of men, a fear that started developing at seven years of age.  Yet the older I got the more curious I got and I tried so hard to bond with a guy, but it never worked out.  I always thought it would be fire works and magic and often it was yelling, screaming, threats, insults and just pure pain.  I developed the idea in my head that nobody was going to care about me, nobody was going to look at me and go wow she is so beautiful, nobody would find me fascinating, I was never going to be special to somebody and nobody was going to go out of their way for me like I did for them.

Than I met you.  Even though I was very scared there was so much life in the situation.  I found much needed affection between us, something I hadn’t really experienced before.  I myself have always been very affectionate, I was the giver but I had never received affection back.  Yet you had been so affectionate towards me, so careful and gentle.  It kind of melted my heart to feel such passion and such tenderness from a man when all I’ve ever felt was fear and hurt.   It broke me though when you broke up with me because in the back of my head the only thing I could think about was, “Well, you did it again.  You lost another person, you do everything wrong.”  I felt bad because I had tried so hard to give you everything I could give no matter how scary it was for me.  I wanted to give you everything, I wanted something beautiful between us.  I wanted the stars and the moon, I wanted the beauty in life and I wanted a warm secure person to be near when I felt unsure.  When we broke up I felt like my security blanket was ripped away from me and I was back 6 feet under in the darkness.  I was mentally choking.

I had all these fears just piling up at the front door trying to kick it down to get in.  It felt like I wasn’t going to be allowed to bond with you anymore, like I wasn’t going to be allowed to want to get close to you and I wouldn’t be able to act upon that need.  I was scared you would begin to reject me and I would lose everything I worked so hard for.  I was scared that I couldn’t go to you for security anymore when I got scared or nervous and since you had become the person I began to seek out for comfort I was very hurt by the idea that I had potentially lost that.  I reestablished my fear of being treated like some other bitch, a fear that you would just move onto other women and throw me away when I was very much wanting to keep our bond and closeness.  I was scared I was going to have to share you with somebody else and than you’d find them more fascinating than I am and you’d push me away.

I know that’s fear talking, it often talks too much and too loudly.  But it’s fear none the less, it pushes me down and it makes me feel like I’m drowning.  A fear no one should have but I have to live with.  I had so much hope that I could keep you close to me, I could bond with you and build trust.  That I could get past what was weighing me down since it was something I wanted to do.  I wanted to be close with you and share special moments together that are just between us, I wanted to explore new things in your safety and I wanted to build trust.  Most of all though I wanted someone I could share my affection with that I didn’t have to worry about them wandering away, I wanted somebody who wanted me, someone who thought I was just this wonderful young lady and they would do anything to keep me in their life.  They wouldn’t wander off, they would stay exclusive with just me and remind me as often as I needed it to be reminded.  Someone who would scoop me up on a weekend night and kiss my nose and tell me how much they loved me and missed me.

I always wanted a fairy tale I guess but I realize that wont happen.  I realize I am full of insecurities and full of fears that need to be worked on.  That you have all these things going on in your life, things that are more important than I am and you can’t always give me exactly what I want.  Than I realized I just want you, that I was just scared to let go because if I did you wouldn’t be there, but you still are there even though we aren’t together.  I just have all these fears that I bottle up and they get so unmanageable and scary that it causes me to feel so insecure and than I need reassurance.   I always feel like I drive you away all on my own by just being so worried about losing you totally and about being worried that I might lose my place in your heart.  I just wish all the worry would go away, that I could confidently walk in life without fear.