A Letter To A Lost Lover

Dear Beloved,

 

I’m sorry things didn’t go exactly the way we planned in our heads and I’m sorry for every tear that has strolled down your cheek.  Sad tear’s don’t belong on such a handsome face because it always mean’s your beautiful mind is clouded.  I wish there was an easier way to deal with our problems instead of what I normally choose, running away.  I wish I personally could be there better for you to help you move forward in life because trust me watching you struggle kills me.  The problem for myself though is I can’t even be there for myself.  Which is likely the reason I can’t properly be there for you the way I would like to be.  I mean I tried my hardest before I scurried away from the tragedy that just seems to be my life.  I tried everything I possibly could manage even pushing my depression down behind me when we broke up so I could try and make sure you were okay.

I saw how hard it was on you to be with me, I really did.  I just selfishly kept waiting to see if we could just figure things out till you just ended up breaking up with me.  Than all these things came raining down on me.  All these things about you and how you felt and man did I feel overwhelmed.  What I first hear was you were lost, something I had felt for a long time myself when I was younger.  I had all these things I just wanted to say to you about it, all these words just kept bubbling up in my head but it was never the right time to speak.  There was always a new problem that when I decided I wanted to sit and talk to you about it I just couldn’t because I had to deal with something else either between us or between me and somebody else.  I was emotionally exhausted so I was too exhausted to try and help you.

What I have to say though is everybody feel’s lost at some point in their life, sometimes multiple points.  It’s a part of life and growing up because in order to learn and process you must go through life’s challenges.  Lots of people drift when they’re lost, they can’t figure out what or why they are doing something.  They just slowly let the social current of life carry them along and sometimes without even noticing.  They just ebb into life randomly bumping into little ‘life logs’ and without at least a small plan on where you’re going it can be difficult to handle.  If you don’t know how to navigate the seas it’s easy to get lost.

What I found truly made me feel lost was my lack of passion in my life.  Often people get into the fixation of work, friends, sleep.  That’s it.  Friends are great, yes.  You can have millions of wonderful lively memories that make you smile and laugh, but nothing beats a hot fiery passion.  For myself I always make time for thing’s I am passionate about even if it’s just a small piece of my day because it becomes a little purpose in life.  You do it because you enjoy it, it’s relaxing, it’s something you’re good at, ect.  It’s also something you can tie yourself down with when you feel lost or like you’re floating away in life.  It can act like a little temporary anchor to help support you.

And from watching you I feel like you lack purpose in your life which is an huge contributor to feeling lost.  You’re not alone though because most people don’t know exactly what they’re going to do in their life and you aren’t expected to map out every inch of your life.  I feel like you always take too much onto you constantly and you carry such a heavy load, but it’s hard carrying so much when you don’t know what direction to go.  It makes you feel like your legs are gunna break under the weight.  It’s not your responsibility to carry everything at once though.  Sometimes it’s just best to put the load down for a little while and have some you time even if that means just telling everyone you’re busy that day.  People aren’t going to be upset if you take a little time to yourself, not everyone is an absolute savage.

For me when I was lost I have to take time to reconnect with what I loved doing, I took moments for things I was passionate about.  I went on adventures with myself or with people I was particularly close to.  I constantly and still to this day expand my comfort zone because in order to keep from feeling lost you have to keep building.  Figure out your dream or at least an idea of where you’d like to be say in 5 years and started working towards it.  Decide which people are a must in your life and work towards building your future with them, decide what qualities in life you need and work towards achieving them, decide what makes you most happy and get out there and take it!

Being lost is something normal that everybody goes though and from what I have learned over my short life is it is something you will go through more than once.  When life changes when you aren’t ready it often creates instability and when you aren’t sure what you truly want it makes changes more difficult.  Often people feel overwhelmed and instead of sitting and figuring out what is causing them to feel overwhelmed in the situation they often sit or drift more.  Simply because that’s what they did before and people are creatures of habit.

 

What I also noticed was how difficult of a time you had keeping up with all your friends.  How you struggled to balance priorities and how you often didn’t feel too happy about it.  It made me sad because sometimes I felt like a douchebag because I really wanted your attention and still wanted it even after we broke up.  So when you got too busy for me at times I felt sad because I selfishly felt like I deserved more when I didn’t, I deserved what you could offer me.  I hadn’t even truly realized until recently you were honestly giving me as much as you possibly could well trying to give everyone else as much as you possibly could.  Than I felt worse because I saw somebody drained and tired constantly trying to give and give, but how much did you really receive back?  I felt like you didn’t receive half of what you deserved back. Not from me, not from anybody.

Actually it was something I admired and pitied about you.  I admired it because it takes a lot out on somebody to give especially when you give and you don’t receive a damn thing back.  Maybe this is why so many people take but do not give back, because it’s so much easier to selfishly take than to selflessly give.  Which was something I admired so much about you because it was such a fresh breath of air to be pampered and well cared for by somebody who wanted to do it.  Somebody who didn’t expect anything out of me after and I could just enjoy the moment, but I also pitied it.  I pitied it because I saw so much of myself in those moments.  A person who gives and gives but never receives.  Somebody who takes on extra weight to help others, but already has the entire weight of their own life crushing their shoulders.

Having that been my own problem too I learned that I often didn’t have adequate time to decompress after something stressful because somebody different would have a problem.  So of course I would ‘go fix’ that problem too.  Than I would just think, “oh look a moment to myself,” and somebody would want to see me and talk because they are having a hard time.  It would become  a little circus because I was dealing with everyone elses problems, plus my own and than random uncontrollable mishaps in life.  Which caused me to end up taking that negativity along with me too and into different friendships which in turn ruined them much like I felt like I was ruining ours.  I felt so unhappy and bogged down because I was struggling to maintain my friendships due to depression, I was trying to deal with other peoples shitty problems, I was struggling to deal with my problems and I often felt like I was bringing all of my negativity back to you.

Which I noticed you seemed to do, you tried so hard to keep everything balanced and maintain priorities and friendships and responsibilities.  Often I felt like you tried to maintain them at the same level of everything and that’s exhausting.  I did that.  I learned though to know what was important and what wasn’t.  As I grew as an adult I learned work, school and family, those where mandatory.  Those were things I truly couldn’t compromise, cut back or neglect.  What I first started to do was I started with people, I picked two people who meant the absolute most to me and decided what time I could dedicate to them, what I wanted from them and what I needed from them.  That I repeated the process, I picked two people who obviously were of slightly less importance.  In doing so I realized there weren’t very many people of dire urgency that I absolutely needed to see them asap whenever they were free.  I realized most of the ‘extra people’ came and went as they pleased and if they didn’t fit into my schedule it wasn’t a big deal.  The reason why it wasn’t was because they weren’t a huge priority and obviously I wasn’t a huge priority to them either because they’d be making lots of effort to have me in their life if I was.

Than I would work on my other priorities, my weekly ones.  Every Sunday or Monday I would sit down with myself and write out what I needed to get done that week and what I would like to do that week.  I chose weekly because priorities change often because peoples wants and needs change.  I chose weekly because sometimes I would run out of money or something and decided that what I would like to do just wasn’t feasible.  Than most of all I made sure I scheduled days I could stay at home and sleep properly.  I knew the better I slept the easier it was to deal with everything I had on my plate.

What I didn’t learn right away and often what I hear from you also, is it’s hard to say ‘no’.  Which I get nobody likes to say ‘no’ because you don’t want to disappoint the people around you.  You’re supposed to be a good friend so you just try and do it anyways even though you don’t have time for it and it’s definitely not a huge priority for you.  Often people believe that when they say ‘no’ the consequences are going to be harsher than they are in reality.  We don’t want to disappoint, we don’t want to hurt others and make them feel rejected and we don’t want people to be upset with us if we do decide to say ‘no’.  Saying no can be a challenge for anybody especially if you’re worried about damaging or ruining a friendship.

What I learned is saying ‘no’ is like ripping off a band-aid, you do it quickly.  Provide a brief reason why, though not always needed, it’s nice to let people know why you may not be able to handle another piece on your plate.  Most of the time people understand and appreciate the honestly, particularly good friends who truly care about you.  Than I try to provide something different, like some kind words.  For example, maybe I am at work and somebody wants to see me and they want to see me now (and I have had somebody do this and actually stupidly let them come to my work) I might apologize and tell them I am currently at work and it’s busy but I would ask if they wanted any advice that I could offer once I have a few minutes to spare.  To me that doesn’t sound unreasonable.  True friends will try and understand and will accept your choices, leeches often don’t and get upset when you say that you just have too much going on currently.  If somebody can’t accept and understand that you have responsibilities and demands in your life than they aren’t being very kind to you.

 

A part of growing up is realizing that life isn’t fair and often you have to do things that are uncomfortable and difficult no matter what.  Something you have shown me you can do even if it was hard on you.  You broke up with me because you weren’t ready for a relationship and that took so much courage and boldness you wouldn’t believe.  Although I felt hurt because of the breakup I also appreciate it because it shows me that you’re trying to make the right choices for yourself and me.  That I am very proud of.  It shows me you do have the bravery and potential to say ‘no’ and you do try and prioritize your life.  Even though I am not a priority the way I would like to be I am still proud of you.  I am proud because even in these small ways you are making progress and I am happy to be a part of that progress even if it hurts my feelings.

Now I could definitely carry on forever trying to give you every little bit of advice I possibly could, but I wouldn’t have time.  All I want to tell you is even after everything that has gone on I still love you.  I still love you with every insecurity you have, every mistake you make and every hiccup in our lives.  I still love you even if you’re no longer mine to love and I still love you even when you’re not here with me.  It’s because I choose to love somebody so beautiful and so vibrant since you deserve it.  There is nothing more in life than I want other than for you to find your way forward into life into some form of security whether I am there or not.  I just want you to be okay in your life.

 

Love your princess.

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