Friend or Foe?

Some names have been changed in this article  to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

For some people friends come easy, plenty and lively.  For myself it seems to be a challenge that often leaves me in tears.  You see quite often than not I seem to attract some of the worst people with the worst qualities and it ends in some of the most ill ways.  I’m not positive why, but likely because I am such an easy target.  The older I get the softer I seem to become, the more damaged I am the worst I attract.  Something I just seemed to accepted as I got older because I felt like I wasn’t of much worth myself.  I myself have went through so many crummy friendships it’s not worth the count, but I can tell you a majority of my friendships have been horrendous.

So I’ll tell you two stories.

The first one wasn’t as terrible as some of the others but it’s definitely one of my top ten worst experiences in my life.  It was a man, let’s call him ‘Todd’.  ‘Todd’ was like a first love situation of three years where he honestly had no love or care for me what-so-ever.  Sadly I was sixteen at the time which was a young and stupid year for myself.  He took me on my first date which honestly wasn’t much of a date, we ordered pizza with a movie and cuddled.  He seemed like a decent guy actually and I enjoyed his company.  In fact I thought everything went swimmingly.

Sadly I was very inexperienced with men and sexual advanced and often when he would try something I didn’t get it or I just pushed him away because I was nervous.  This proceeded with him saying he doesn’t like frigid girls which made me feel bad.  I wasn’t trying to behave like one I was simply under educated and a little bit worried about the unknown.  Which honestly is something expected from a young teen who hasn’t experienced much in the realm of sexual advances, relationships, ‘playmates’, ect.  I displayed a normal response of hesitance and was made to feel bad about it.

At this point we entered an on and off stage together, he would be so nice and sweet to me at one moment and would see me and hangout and spend time but than was cold.  I often found myself wondering why.  Was it because I didn’t give him what he wanted?  Well a year into knowing him, actually possibly a little bit more than a year, something happened between me and him.  He sexually assaulted me and forced me to give him head.  It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like minutes had went by.  I felt terrible after because I felt like it had been my fault, I deserved that because I obviously lead him on sexually.  I shouldn’t have been so flirty towards him, I shouldn’t have shown so much interest sexually.  I should have pulled myself together and went through with his demands.  I couldn’t though.

Because of that event it made me feel very differently about male genitalia.  Have you ever been sexually active but never touched male genitals? (FWI I became sexually active when I was nineteen, this happened when I was about seventeen)  Sadly this isn’t the end of our story.  I actually sent an whole year without seeing him and only really randomly talking to him.  It was in the beginning 2015 that he msged me asking if I wanted to spend the night.  I think the first time I turned him down, but later on I asked him.  I still haven’t truly figured out why I asked but I do have some theories.  He was the first person I ever slept with, it was short lived though.  Shortly after sleeping with him he msged me for a little bit talking and probably a few weeks after everything he insulted who I was.  He told me I was clingy, I was bad at making conversation but I talked too much, that I wasn’t fun or adventurous but he only ever took me to his room.  I was everything wrong even when I gave him everything I possibly could.

I’ll tell you right now though, he gave me nothing.  He took and took and I gave and gave till I gave something precious I couldn’t take back.  People tell me all the time, everyone regrets their first time.  I certainly do but what I regret most is I gave it to a sex addict, I gave it to someone who insulted me, I gave it to someone who didn’t love or care about me, I gave it away for free.

There are so many men out there like that though, they get what they want and throw you away.  What hurt me the most was he strung me along for three years and everytime I spent a moment with him I just fell in love.  A false love for sure, because I’ve loved someone else now and I know what love is supposed to feel like.  He was just a bad person who did terrible things to nice girls.  He chose to be that person too, he made a clear choice to hurt people who tried to care about him and he was okay with that.  This was definitely a lesson learned though.

 

Some people just aren’t good, some are toxic.

This lady, she was toxic.  Let’s call her ‘Samantha’.  It was a short friendship and almost instantly we became bestfriends and our friendship took flight rather quickly.  Initially I had so much fun everything was so bright and lively.  We had many late night outings together where we would be about till 3 in the morning driving around and causing mischief.  It had been such a long time since I had so much fun with another person and I was ecstatic about the opportunity.  What I wasn’t aware of was that ‘Samantha’ wasn’t really a good friend or person.  In fact she ended up making me feel extremely terrible.

I actually developed a fear of doing things without asking or talking to her first.  I constantly got blamed when something went wrong especially when she lost a friend ‘because of me’, when in reality she was harassing and attacking him to the point he just didn’t want to be friends with her.  Which she constantly brought up, she didn’t want me to screw up another of her friendships.  She just wasn’t fair to me.

When I wanted to go home, half the time she wouldn’t let me I would say I am tired and such and she just wouldn’t drive me home.  Things just didn’t happen unless it was her choice, she would hangout with people when I didn’t really want to but of course she would throw the line “but I’m just trying to find us something to do” so she wasn’t doing anything wrong right?  Well she was.  I felt guilty when she did it and often felt like when I didn’t really want to hangout with other people that made me boring and her unhappy.  It was my fault.  I just felt terrible around her all the time.

It wasn’t till I met the man of my dreams that it really got worse.  I began dating him and no longer could hold up my friendship with ‘Samantha’ as she just seemed very much uninterested in the idea of me dating my lover.  Shortly after I discontinued talking to her she began gossiping to my bestfriend and in turn my bestfriend would tell me and that was when things slowly started to spiral out of control.  She constantly would use my boyfriend as a way to hurt me, she lied about what he was doing with her and saying to her, she made it sound like he talked shit about me and didn’t love or care about me.  Straight to the point where I had to cut two of my closest friends out to get away from the way she made me feel.  I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of all the guilt and hatred I was carrying.

She had won though, that was what killed me the most.  She got exactly what she wanted and that was for myself to be miserable and alone.  I was beaten down till I couldn’t function, I couldn’t enjoy the man I loved and I started questioning my bestfriend.  I let a stupid game carry out for so long that it partially ruined my life.

I learned something though through every little terrible thing I endured.  For one, I can endure a lot of pain and still be okay in the end.  I also learned that just because somebody appears to be a ‘good person’ really doesn’t mean they are.  People who are genuinely good always look out for the other persons best interests along with their own.  They don’t hurt peoples feelings to get what they want and they don’t sit and insult others until that person can no longer take it anymore.  Good people are kind and considerate.

That’s what I aim to be, a good person.

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