My Thirty Day Journey: Day 3

Today wasn’t the most eventful day, I mainly spent it sitting in bed and looking after my animals.  That’s okay though because I took the time for myself so I could work on myself and what I want and need in my life.  It made me realize things that I truly wasn’t looking at in the moment because I couldn’t look at it, I was living in the moment.  So today I took my time to finish writing out a letter to my ex-boyfriend that I had started writing Saturday.  It’s Wednesday now.  The extent of it is talking about our current ‘relationship’ which is pretty much him treating me like his girlfriend but not dating me.  I definitely don’t hate it.  I get to cuddle with him, I get kisses and loved on, I get his attention when he can spare the time and we still have sex.  Pretty much the same thing we had in a relationship just without the commitment.  He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he wasn’t ready for the commitment but he did love me.  That I totally get, it’s a lot to take on.

For me though I guess I initially hated our breakup because I took it negatively since I felt like everything was wrong.  I didn’t like it because it made me feel the way I felt in the past.  Like I was being dragged along expecting a relationship that was never going to come.  We barely talked about the breakup either, what we wanted from each other and what we were willing to give.  We shared feelings and tears, but we never truly worked on anything.  We didn’t really make sure the other people was totally okay we just broke up and than carried on like we didn’t.  Something I feel was a mistake on my part as it didn’t help me with any of my feelings.  So obviously I put a lot of thought into what I have been feelings and I wrote down how I viewed relationships, what I thought a relationship was.  Why I liked relationships over just friendship/sex and what always happened to me when it came to friendship/sex.  I wrote down what I thought might happen or I felt like I wasn’t going to be okay if it did happen and than I said we had to make choices about what we do.

I offered being ‘together’ without the relationship labels but maintaining ‘relationship boundaries and activities’, I offered remaining the way we are but I also said that it wasn’t something I was totally comfortable with, I offered just completely taking the labels off and working on our own boundaries and lastly I offered just cutting that part of our life out and just simply being friends, nothing more.  For me what I really need out of it is security and comfort something that is mandatory and not up for discussion.  If he chooses not to provide it than than I will have to just move on.

Sadly that is something I hope not to do.  I haven’t had such a complex thing in my life, wanting to be with someone who isn’t truly ready for a committed relationship but wanting to make something work.  The likelihood of it working out?  Hard to say.  My heart says it hopes it works out for the best because nobody has never loved me the way he has, but the brain says if he really wanted me he would just scoop me up and run off with me and that’d be final.  Maybe he has just simply lost interest when I haven’t, maybe I am just over thinking everything because I’m lonely.  Three days isn’t that long and I am only going to get lonelier and lonelier as the days roll on bye.

Here’s to the hopes that he really does love me.

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