My Thirty Day Journey: Day 4

I think I have figured out one of my biggest problems.

I think way too much, too often and at bad times.  I make the smallest of things into big complex problems with reasoning on both sides.  I try to construct every little detail to make sure things go smoothly when even I know nothing goes smoothly the way you want.  More often than not things go wrong, they crumble in your hands and they break when you fumble and drop your life.  This is probably why I am always so disappointed.  I always expect things to go a specific way and when they don’t I feel upset or like I had done something wrong.  I hadn’t, but I always felt that way.

Sometimes I wished I didn’t overthink, I wonder how much easier it would be if I didn’t constantly poke at my brain.  I also wonder how much would that change my personality?  Would that make me boring?  How much would I change if I no longer overthought everything to the point of insanity?  Would I be a better person?  Would it be easier to make decision?

So many questions, but there will never be an answer.  I will always overthink because it’s a part of who I am.  I am a worrier, I worry about everything and particularly people I care a lot about.  It was likely why I made so much fuss about my ex-boyfriends choices.  Not because I wanted to control him or restrict his life, it was also why I stopped seeing him (even though he wanted to see me as a friend) because things between us and another person were so rocky it made me constantly worry till I was sick.  Something I don’t think he really understands, since I know he cares by the way he responded to me saying I couldn’t spend anymore time with him, he was hurting so bad.  I think though I made him aware of how much damage this single person was doing to me.  How my unchangeable personality caused such grief and maybe that’s the problem between us the most.

We both have very similar yet very different personalities, I myself who worries excessively and he himself who is extremely kind and struggles just to say ‘no’.  He can’t just end something due to feeling guilty and feeling like he should try and be a good person, but my excessive worry causing me to hurt way too much.  It conflicts.  I know every couple likely have something conflicting in their personalities but every couple works out their relationship kinks.  Maybe thats where we also went wrong, we never worked out shit when things went wrong.  He just broke up with me because he didn’t feel ready for the commitment.

Sorry for the jumbled mess by the way guys, I’m a bit scatter brained!

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