My Thirty Day Journey: Day 5

Okay, so not my usual time.  Weird.

I am writing this at 8AM on a Friday morning, normally I sleep in on Fridays because I don’t work.  For some reason though I woke up with buzzing thoughts about my feelings and how I feel about my ex-boyfriend.  As most of anyone who is reading all of these knows we broke up, but before I took some space from him we had continued like we normally did after the breakup, nothing changed except for the labels of our relationship.  So since I have been taking time to think on how I feel and to heal I have definitely began to form solid opinions on the situation we are in.  I have doubt’s and insecurities and wise words from people I have met who have kindly been trying to help me along in whatever way possible.

I’ll start with something a guy told me, nice man in his thirties, he had relationships like this and had been in relationships like this.  He told me, “Don’t wait more than six months, if in six months time he still hasn’t decided whether or not he truly wants you than he just wont pick you.  In six months time if he truly can’t manage his schedule to fit you in better, even if it’s just a little bit, than he’ll never fit you in.  In six months time if he truly isn’t committed to working on himself so in the future he can be with you than he is not ever going to be with you.  It doesn’t have to be six months though, it can be as long as you can tolerate the heartbreak.  You don’t have to stand behind one person though forever waiting for them to love you the same way you love them, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  Don’t waste you undying loyalty on people who wont waste theirs on you.  It’s your choice though, but don’t keep holding on because at some point if he can’t pick you even if you’re not together formally than there wont be anything left to hold onto and you’ll fall.  That’s why people fall, they make the mistake of holding on too long.”

It was an eye opener for myself because I began to notice and understand things more clearly so I can work on it better.  Some of the first things I noticed was he used to give me a lot of his attention particularly when we first met and first started dating and I quote, ‘I’ll always have time for stargazing and hanging especially when it’s with you.’  But it seems over time he stopped having time for me, he got busier and busier.  I don’t believe it was because he was as busy as he said he was.  I don’t believe it’s because he just couldn’t find time for me.  I believe it’s because he just stopped putting me first, he stopped being so interested in me and started putting me on the back burner.  He told me I wasn’t one of his bigger priorities and to be honest it did break my heart hearing I wasn’t that important to him.  Which was likely the first problem, I put him as one of my main priorities mainly because I only had him and one other person in my life that I spent any time with and I worked.  I didn’t do anything else in between so I had nothing to fill my spare time with other than my people.  And I say my people because I get very attached to people I spend a majority of my time with, for me bonding with people is extremely important because I am normally very nervous about everything.  If I don’t trust someone it makes doing stuff with them very hard.

I think what else started to eat at me was how I felt about him being single but us still carrying on like a normal ‘couple’.   I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like it because in my past so many men I have tried to have anything to do with would demand things from me but wouldn’t maintain my bond with them (and often I struggled to make and maintain a bond because they didn’t give me enough time) in order for me to feel more comfortable giving certain things.  Over time I began to bond less and less with people I met and I just jump into the cold water of life all willy nilly knowing something bad would happen, accepting it, hurting and than moving on. Being with him though has shown me that it is important for me to bond with any male person in my life who is going to be more than a friend.  A bond I keep worrying will slowly slip away from us and I wont feel as comfortable with him as I used to.  Which is hard to think about and hard to make other people understand.  I just need to feel secure and safe mainly because I lived through a lot of abuse, torment and bullying that was mainly done by men.  Up until I was maybe 15 I was terrified of most men, so bonding had been very very important to me.

What I also didn’t like was feeling like he might start flirting with other women, seeing other women, sleeping with other women, ect.  Which I believe I tried to talk to him about but his response was, “I am not ready to date and if I am not able to date you I wont be able to date anyone, so don’t worry.” I am going to worry though because it’s not the dating others I am worried about it is him going and pursuing another women and sleeping with her or sharing affection/attention/loving gestures/ect.  To me if he began to do that it would mean he is moving on and no longer truly interested in me at all.  That he doesn’t value my love anymore and would rather find it in someone else.  Even if we aren’t in a relationship we both said ‘I love you’ and to me love is a strong bond that you share with very few people in your life.  To me love is holding somebody close and nobody else, it is treasuring every little detail about somebody every small flaw and still thinking they are amazing, it is waking up every morning and wanting to know how they slept and if they are doing okay, it is feeling secure with them when you’re lost and most of all it’s having someone you feel cares greatly about you and wants nothing but the best.  Love is strong and powerful, not weak and flimsy, and if it can be broken than it was never love but mere infatuation.

I think sadly I am looking at a man who no longer truly holds a strong interest in me, he may love me, but maybe he’s just not that interest in continuing with me being a bigger part of his life.  Maybe he’s just content with me being a small piece that will likely fade away with time.  It could be simply that I am not exactly what he wants or that I just don’t fit into his life well enough.  It could be anything.

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