The fun thing about depression, it can hit so quickly.
One second I feel like I have the heart of a soldier and the next I feel like I have sold my soul. What makes it hard is when you feel bad you want someone to tell you how important you are. You want to be scooped up and loved and cared for. You want somebody to care or to at least notice you feel bad and try and do something. Even the smallest of things are better than nothing. Sometimes just hearing that somebody loves you in enough to keep you going, that they’ll happily sit on the phone with you because they miss hearing your voice, or hearing that they miss having you around.
I think that’s where I seem to fall apart the most because I don’t tell people I want to hear it, than again I feel like I shouldn’t have to. I am a fairly open book and I let people know when I’m depressed and it’s not that difficult to tell somebody you love them and it’s going to be okay. It’s not hard to try and give them a little something when they’re down and out and you’re just out and having fun. Lots of time I hate having people around it’s normally why I cut so many people out. It’s hard watching people carry on without you, it’s hard watching other people have fun and enjoy their lives when you’re struggling to, it’s hard to appreciate somebodies brightness when you’re gloomy and cloudy.
I think that’s my main problem when I am depressed is I can’t look at somebody and appreciate them at their fullest. I don’t see a happy person, I see a greedy me. I get upset because I want to feel happy and fulfilled. Yet everytime I manage anything like that it’s stripped away from me so quickly it could make your head spin. I always seem to find happy, but I can never keep it. It’s like a cruel punishment finding something that makes you happy and having it taken away, which has happened many times for myself with people, animals, activities, ect. It’s like suffering is the only choice I am allowed or maybe I just can’t find a bright side to it? Well, thats a lie. I know the bright side but I am often too stubborn to just accept it and move on. ‘You’re just too passionate, you see something you want and you refuse to let go.’ Maybe that’s why I am always disappointed?
I fight too hard for things that don’t want me.