You didn’t care, you were toxic

You know the fun thing about people, they don’t care.

Just recently as some of you know I lost a very close and personal friend to me who I held deep caring feelings for.  She was my bestfriend.  I realize some things about the situation though.  First of all, some things are better lost and never looked for again.  Not because they aren’t worth anything anymore, but because good people don’t drag you down to their shitty level and expect you to wallow in it.  Good people don’t except you to be there for them every minute of them day, but can’t be there for you even the slightest when you need them.

That was my problem with her, she just didn’t care the same amount that I did.  She cared about what she could receive from me, but not about me.  It hurts because it was a five year friendship that I endured not truly being treated the way I should be.  It was five years of needing somebody, but instead always being the shoulder to cry and being expected to be there.  I always answered the phone when she would call me crying about her ex’s, I always supported her through the hardships in life and for what?  Nothing.

My bestfriend let her ex-boyfriend back in 2012 bully me and she often said, “I dont wanna hear my bestfriend talking shit about my boyfriend. Its just gunna piss me off and ill honestly tell you to leave.”  Fun thing, I wasn’t talking shit I was trying to get it through her thick skull that he treated me poorly but she didn’t care.  I was 17 and she was 16, she only cared about the sex and the relationship adventure, she didn’t care about me.  I will actually share with you something her ex-boyfriend sent me:

“Your one fucked up piece of shit, your mother shouldve done more heavier drugss but your still fucked up. You dont ever need to tell me about your pathetic relationships and how you were treated in the past. i can totally see what happened its really really funny. sucks that you can still talk and that no one cut off your tongue. respect is earned right? well having respect brought to you on a silver platter is still being earned you dumb ass. When you start a eassy about your stupid opinions and problmes; start off with “okay i wanna go over 6 things…” get off your fucken weed and go back to school you lousy goof. I dont see you ever being with a guy by the way your head is at, your a major turn off in gerenal to all men unless its the greasy kids that want one thing. One of these days with your disprespct you going to lose Shai and your going to be alone. GO fuck yourself you ugly skank.”

I will be totally honest right this second, if your friend thinks someone who says something like this is even okay and that person is a friend than they don’t truly care about you.  Well, I mean maybe they do care but true friends don’t allow others to bully you especially people who haven’t been in their life very long.  Hey ex-boyfriend she maybe knew him for a few months before he said that.  She picked him and left for pretty much a year and than in 2014 we became friends again.

It was a lively time than and we smoked often and got into trouble.  I remember going out late on adventures and meeting cute boys.  I remember how much I enjoyed her company because we could get into trouble together and it was okay.  I wasn’t a good kid when I met her and she was a bad kid and often we ended up in trouble together.  Maybe that was where we went wrong in the beginning. Neither one of us were good for each other.

What I noticed the most now after spending five years with her was; she really wasn’t interest in me or my day, she really only talked about herself or her problems and that was it.  She always came to me like “poor me, what do I do?” and we would talk, but when I talked about my problems she was always very short with me and would often change the subject or just tell me she’s sorry.  She put no effort in helping me, but I always put so much effort into helping her whenever she needed it.  She would stay mad at me in fights because she only accepted her point of view, she only cared about her and how she was doing.  That was it.

I remember in our younger years, she would talk shit behind my back and I would find out through my other friends (who were also her friends) and she would always deny it.  She would always make it sound like it wasn’t true and she was my bestfriend, so it could be?  It can though.  Just because people are your friends doesn’t mean they have your best interests in mind and often they don’t, they have their interests.  They have their wants and needs and most people will actually walk all over you to get what they want, well at least in my experience.

She was a toxic person in my life who often created little uncomfortable ripples because I cared about her.  When I took space from her recently she just walked off and continued a friendship with someone who bullied and abused me verbally, but she blocked me on everything.  She made it clear to me how unimportant I am and what I really am realizing was if I was truly important to her there wouldn’t have been a choice she would have just picked me.  I wouldn’t have had to fight so hard she would have said “No sorry that’s wrong, I can’t be friends with someone who is hurting my bestfriend.”  She would have done something to protect me but instead she contributed to damaging my life.

So I lost something that meant everything to me, I broke.

Toxic people are all over the place though and sadly you can’t always avoid them because you don’t know what you’re looking for.  When you look at someone, you’re looking at potential not memories.  I’ll tell you what I know how about toxic people though.  Toxic people don’t make you feel good, or rarely do, they put you down either behind your back or passive-aggressively.  Toxic friends spread their negativity around like STD’s because when they feel terrible they want you to feel terrible too and they often will take you down at any cost.  I have watched toxic people ruin friendships just to hurt other peoples feelings simply because they don’t care if they hurt you in the process, they only care about their entertainment.

Toxic friends often use you for their own pleasures, they act and behave nicely and politely but often put on a facade to con you into thinking they have changed or will be nice.  Once they receive what they want they dont want to text you on a daily basis, they don’t want to call or talk to you and they don’t care about you.  They don’t stop gossiping about you or insulting you because they just don’t care. Toxic friends only go to you when life isn’t ideal for them and they know they can get something out of you.

Toxic friends do things that aren’t ideal, they talk behind your back and insult you to other people.  So you confront them and what do they say?  They never said that!  Since they don’t want to admit to being rude about you or treating you poorly because if they did you’d leave, they’d stop being their friend and they wouldn’t have a toy to play with anymore.  They like to keep score of your mistakes with them, they remind you, they like the drama and they cause a great deal of it.  It doesn’t matter the drama either as long as it’s good and fiery.

Toxic people talk trash about the people who are most important to you, even when they know that person is important.  They don’t respect boundaries and often spill things you say incorrectly so it makes you look like a bad person.  What makes it hard though is you often find yourself in the habit of saying, “but we’ve known each other forever…” trying to find reasons for holding ties when honestly there isn’t many.  You are scared to end the friendship because you don’t know what they’re going to do.  I can tell you right now if you’re scared of your friend, that’s not a friend.  Friends are a safe place to go where you can share important information and they don’t tell everyone, where they go out of their way to help you and support you.  Friends are simply just their for you even if they don’t get anything in return.

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