My Thirty Day Journey: Day 12

You know the worst thing about not seeing people you care about?  You have no idea how well they’re doing without you or how bad they’re doing.  You don’t really know if they are carrying on like nothing amiss or if they’re lost.  Sadly I know how I feel, I feel lost.  It’s so hard just carrying on when there are people I really want to see.  It’s like a small blackhole sucking me down into the depth leaving me lost and confused.  It makes you realize how important someone is to you.  Maybe that’s my problem though?  I put so much importance in people close to me and when I choose to take a break I feel broken.  

I find it so hard lately just to get up in the morning because I always feel like I am going to wake up and everyone is just not going to be there.  It’s so hard realizing you’re very replaceable and anybody can walk out of your life whenever they please.  I just wish there was a way to prepare better for these events because it’s so heartbreaking.  The fear of losing someone close to you just eats away at you and the idea of being replaced by somebody else kills you.  I remember as a young girl I never feared this as much and I think the older I have gotten the more I valued my friends because I had much less.

I guess people don’t appreciate the value of friendship though.

I have lost so many friends mainly because I haven’t liked something they have done.  One of my friends, I didn’t like how when she left her family with her child I went out of my way to do so much for her and buy her stuff for her house.  She than started ditching me for men she was dating.  Another friend I hated that she always had to talk about herself constantly and all her problems but never mine.  I had so many selfish friends and I always gave everything.  I don’t have anything left to give anymore, I lost it all to useless people I should have ever kept around.

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