My Thirty Day Journey: Day 13

You know the worst feeling?  Wondering if you’re making the right choice.

I find myself lately questioning if it’s right for me to feel half the things I feel.  If it’s right for me to question how I feel towards some people and if it’s right to resent some of those people.  I am aware resentment doesn’t get you very far but when someone does something wrong to you it’s hard to look at them and think it’s okay it’s not a big deal.  To me actions are a huge deal and treating people with kindness is mandatory.  You can’t go around treating someone you claim you love as second best.  You also can’t treat the people who put the most effort into your life like they don’t matter in your choices.  That’s simply saying you don’t really care about the person.

I have watched so many people come and go in my life, in fact I’ve really never had a friend stay and it’s a sad truth to realize.  Everyone has left me or I have left them.  I always ask myself if I was right to just walk away from some of the people in my life.  If that was a good choice or if there was something important I threw away.  Granted I always realize if someone really wanted you in their life they would do anything possible to make a place for you in their life and their future.  People who care just don’t up and leave you.  Maybe that’s why I left some of my used to be friends,  because I didn’t care about them.  I try to be a caring person and often I find myself holding onto every reason in the world to stay with people who wouldn’t even bother looking twice at me if I walked out.

I guess that’s the scary thing, when people care they will do anything to stop you from walking away.  They want you in their life, when they don’t care they just carry on without you since it’s not a tragedy for them.  I guess that’s why I hurt so much because I have been watching the people I care most about carry on like I don’t matter and it kills me to realize I wasn’t important.  I was never going to be important.  I was just something to pass time and now that time has passed I was disposable and thrown away.

Maybe that’s why I fear closeness, because it creates vulnerability.

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