My Thirty Day Journey: Day 14

Happy Valentine’s day.

Today I spent a lovely valentine’s day with the man I love, even though we aren’t together and everything is so rocky or at least for me it is…it’s moment’s like these I remember why I fell in love with him.  He is so sweet, passionate and gentle which is something I really admire about him.  I was a little worried he was losing interest in me sexually and feeling wise but currently those feelings have been put aside.  It was a good moment between the two of us because I can say sometimes when things feel so lost and forgotten you forget why people are so important to you and why you should cherish the people who love you.  I always feel like I don’t cherish him enough.

I always feel jealous and worried around him, and jut recently a little anxious.  I think mostly because I fear the worse.  I fear he might go love somebody else or find someone else to spend these special moments with.  It’s a painful though to have when you really care about somebody and want to be with them.  I found something very special in him, warmth and intimacy.  I don’t mean this in a sexual term either, I mean closeness.  I don’t bond well with men normally, men have always been such a touchy subject for me but with him it has always been so different.  I find myself wanting more of him, enjoying those little moments we have and being able to fulfill moments with a male partner that I always find I was never going to be able to do.

To be honest I was always scared of men, I always pushed men away in my life but I have found a closeness with this particular guy that I don’t I have ever felt in my life.  I mean I have had male friends, other male interests, ect.  I have never developed a bond like this before where I feel secure in their presence the way I do.  I think my problem is I feel insecure away from him as we aren’t together and I always get muttled about the what if’s and the possibles.  I don’t even really talk about them I just have a good moment with him and decide not to talk about my fears and concerns because I don’t want to ruin us.  When in reality there will never be a good time to bring it up and at some point I need to sit down and talk to him about what I feel insecure about.  So we can work it out together and find common ground and understanding in the situation we are in.

I chose to stay with him after the break up because I love and want him, he chose to keep me around for whatever reasons he had.  All I want is to work out something so we can comfortably be around each other without my constant worrying about something bad.  It’s not a comforting though and it’s hard to love someone when you’re worried but I guess that’s what people mean when they say ‘love is hard’.  Love isn’t something simple, it’s complicated and it drives you nuts.  Yet it’s something soft and secure that keeps you fresh like clean drink of water.

I remember my friend saying once: A relationship isn’t what define’s you, it’s the love you share together.

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