There’s so many things I wish I had told you…
Yet there are so many things I always seem to keep secret and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid. I’ve seen so many things in my life that have left such heavy wounds upon myself that sometimes I still feel like I am bleeding on the inside, theoretically. Things that time to time I wish I had stopped and talked to you about them so I could get my feet on solid ground. I’m not like that though. I always just jump in, even when I know it’s going to hurt me, I jump in. I always have this fear to get everything over with, that if I don’t just grab the chance it’ll never come again, that if I don’t throw myself into life with extreme vigor I’ll be ridiculed and shamed.
I always felt like I jumped in too fast with us. It was scary and frightening when I made the choice, I felt like I was walking in the dark and I just wanted out. So I jumped hoping it would bring me somewhere bright. Somewhere were I felt like I didn’t have to fear the things that go bump in the night. I used our relationship as a security blanket because I was afraid if I didn’t snap you up as soon as I could you would leave like everyone else has. The way some of the closest people have in my life and I really liked you so I just jumped in without thinking it through.
Yet I found so many other things I feared. So many other things that made it so hard to grow in a relationship. Do you know why I have such a difficult time touching you sexually? Because I was sexually assaulted. There’s a story to it too. I was seventeen, he was a good friend of mine at the time and I had known him for maybe a year. I was deeply infatuated by him at the time, he was so exciting, but he was pushy and he always wanted sex when I wasn’t totally ready. So three days into hanging out (he was staying in my town for work, since he lived a town over from me) he decided to force me to do something, fellatio. I felt like it was my fault because I teased him and because I said I wanted to try he took that as consent and when I opted out because I was scared and not ready he just sat on top of me and did it anyways. It left a huge scar on me emotionally, a scar later on I deepened even more by acting stupid.
Last year, at the beginning of the year I slept with him. That was who I lost my virginity to. I stupidly thought that if I gave him what he wanted that would make him stay longer in my life because down the road I started to care more and more about him despite the terrible thing he did to me. Than he left. That was just it, I gave up everything I possibly could to him and he just got up and left me in the dirt wounded. The terrible thing though was I packed away every last bit of that feeling and eventually it came pouring out in a dark realization that I really wasn’t okay with what had happened between me and him and I feel like it conflicts with my ability to bond with you and to more boldly explore our sexuality together.
To me one of the things I really wanted, particularly when I was fifteen, was to ‘bond with a male’ and I put it that way because at that time I had no male bonds. I never bonded with my father or my brothers, I had a few male friendships in my younger years but I had never really developed a significant bond with any man in my life. I was actually scared of men, a fear that started developing at seven years of age. Yet the older I got the more curious I got and I tried so hard to bond with a guy, but it never worked out. I always thought it would be fire works and magic and often it was yelling, screaming, threats, insults and just pure pain. I developed the idea in my head that nobody was going to care about me, nobody was going to look at me and go wow she is so beautiful, nobody would find me fascinating, I was never going to be special to somebody and nobody was going to go out of their way for me like I did for them.
Than I met you. Even though I was very scared there was so much life in the situation. I found much needed affection between us, something I hadn’t really experienced before. I myself have always been very affectionate, I was the giver but I had never received affection back. Yet you had been so affectionate towards me, so careful and gentle. It kind of melted my heart to feel such passion and such tenderness from a man when all I’ve ever felt was fear and hurt. It broke me though when you broke up with me because in the back of my head the only thing I could think about was, “Well, you did it again. You lost another person, you do everything wrong.” I felt bad because I had tried so hard to give you everything I could give no matter how scary it was for me. I wanted to give you everything, I wanted something beautiful between us. I wanted the stars and the moon, I wanted the beauty in life and I wanted a warm secure person to be near when I felt unsure. When we broke up I felt like my security blanket was ripped away from me and I was back 6 feet under in the darkness. I was mentally choking.
I had all these fears just piling up at the front door trying to kick it down to get in. It felt like I wasn’t going to be allowed to bond with you anymore, like I wasn’t going to be allowed to want to get close to you and I wouldn’t be able to act upon that need. I was scared you would begin to reject me and I would lose everything I worked so hard for. I was scared that I couldn’t go to you for security anymore when I got scared or nervous and since you had become the person I began to seek out for comfort I was very hurt by the idea that I had potentially lost that. I reestablished my fear of being treated like some other bitch, a fear that you would just move onto other women and throw me away when I was very much wanting to keep our bond and closeness. I was scared I was going to have to share you with somebody else and than you’d find them more fascinating than I am and you’d push me away.
I know that’s fear talking, it often talks too much and too loudly. But it’s fear none the less, it pushes me down and it makes me feel like I’m drowning. A fear no one should have but I have to live with. I had so much hope that I could keep you close to me, I could bond with you and build trust. That I could get past what was weighing me down since it was something I wanted to do. I wanted to be close with you and share special moments together that are just between us, I wanted to explore new things in your safety and I wanted to build trust. Most of all though I wanted someone I could share my affection with that I didn’t have to worry about them wandering away, I wanted somebody who wanted me, someone who thought I was just this wonderful young lady and they would do anything to keep me in their life. They wouldn’t wander off, they would stay exclusive with just me and remind me as often as I needed it to be reminded. Someone who would scoop me up on a weekend night and kiss my nose and tell me how much they loved me and missed me.
I always wanted a fairy tale I guess but I realize that wont happen. I realize I am full of insecurities and full of fears that need to be worked on. That you have all these things going on in your life, things that are more important than I am and you can’t always give me exactly what I want. Than I realized I just want you, that I was just scared to let go because if I did you wouldn’t be there, but you still are there even though we aren’t together. I just have all these fears that I bottle up and they get so unmanageable and scary that it causes me to feel so insecure and than I need reassurance. I always feel like I drive you away all on my own by just being so worried about losing you totally and about being worried that I might lose my place in your heart. I just wish all the worry would go away, that I could confidently walk in life without fear.