Despondency

I have always been depressed probably since I was about seven years old.  I can remember being a child and not being able to find the self worth I had.  Something even now I still struggle with as a twenty year old women.  The problem though was I grew up with little support through the problem.  I went from an energetic, imaginative and outgoing child to someone who was slowly closing them self off from the world.  I remember reaching out and being rejected and that probably did the most damage to me over time.  Trying to find help from the people I loved and cared about, but being turned down or pushed away or having others get upset toward me because I wasn’t doing well.  It was soul shattering and it made me feel like I wasn’t loved.  It made me feel like when I needed somebody the most that they wouldn’t be there.  That’s a hard feat to go through as a child and it constantly left me stressed out and emotionally damaged.  I felt like I wasn’t good enough to care about or love.

So growing up as a teenager I didn’t make good friends with people.  I made damaging friendships that left me winded every time.  I remember in elementary school making a friend, she was my bestfriend for six years.  We had developed a very close friendship and we got along most of the time, but she was abusive and I was the victim.  If I did something wrong she was have a meltdown, hit me and scream at me like I was this terrible person.  Yes, she probably had some form of mental disorder too but what she did wasn’t acceptable and what it did to me made me feel like a bad friend.  ‘I can’t be a good friend because I can’t make the right choices, I make her upset too much.  I am wrong.’  I took it out on myself and I felt helpless and extremely negative toward myself.  That one friendship set the tone for the rest of my friendships through highschool.  I was the victim.  I was treated poorly and than made to feel like I was the bad guy.  I was used constantly, I was bullied and I was made to feel as small as possible because I was weak.

I did over time go to receive help because I couldn’t manage my issues properly trying everything in the books and more.  Sadly though this has been the most difficult issue I have ever chose to overcome because it is an ongoing battle.  A battle I can’t just take a break from and a battle I can’t hide from.  It always finds me and it always makes me pay when I run from it.  Yet, everyday I have people tell me that I just need to think positive.  It’s not that bad.  They don’t know how it feels though.

Depression feels like a bottomless pit that I’ve fallen into and there’s no escaping.

It feels like waking up and not having the energy to even sit up in the bed, not having the energy to move or even breath.

It’s sleeping all day just because you don’t want to deal with what’s going on or struggling to sleep for days because your mind is busy torturing you.

It’s constantly using distractions because I fear that if I sit still too long my brain will swallow me alive and that’ll be the end.

It’s those deep negative thoughts that keep you up at night ripping little holes in your self esteem leaving you damaged for the next day.

Depression is feeling guilty for every thing you can’t do now and you can’t do properly.  It’s being guilty for not providing enough or feelings like you just can’t give the right amount.

It’s concentrating so hard, but just not having the ability to focus even though you know you need to.  You just can’t.

It’s being upset, irritable and angry.  Everything gets on your nerves, even the small things and you just feel like you can’t tolerate a single thing.

It’s feeling lost and scared and wanting to reach out and seek for assistance, but feeling like you don’t deserve it.

It’s feeling like everyone is ignoring you or doesn’t want you to be a part of their life, when in reality they’re busy.

You feel like a burden to those around you because you’re so bogged down.

To me depression makes you feel like you’re looking at everything upside down.  You are trapped inside this bubble of shame and when you try and find your worth in a situation, you can’t.  So it makes it so easy for yourself to start cutting little holes into your ego and slowly that seeps into your friendships.  Something just recently I had to go through again after all these years.  Somebody I loves so much and cared so much about.  I felt like I was destroying our relationship when we were dating, I was so much to handle and deal with and the longer we dated the more I felt depressed.  It wasn’t him though I was already going downhill before we started dating.  I was trying so hard to prove I was a good girlfriend even though everyday I felt terrible.  I tried so hard to be extra affectionate, as loving as I possibly could be and doing everything in my power to make our relationship as inviting as possible.  I was exhausted by the amount of effort I put into it and when we broke up I felt shattered.

The break up was complicated.  For me I felt like I was fighting as hard as I possibly could to keep somebody who meant a whole lot to me that didn’t want to be there.  Which he didn’t, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t want one right now.  I still fought though because I didn’t want to give up and I wanted my safe place.  He was the first person in a while to really express love and affection toward me, he made everything in my head to quiet when I was with him and I felt safe.  I didn’t feel constantly in edge and like I was going to explode when I was close to him.  I wanted to keep that.  I wanted somebody to love me like I was the most precious thing they’ve ever held.  He was giving me everything he felt he could though and I just couldn’t accept that. I guess feeling so down under at that moment I wanted to be scooped up and coddled.  I wanted somebody to look at me and tell me how much they love and and how important I am to them.  I wanted to hear that I was actually needed.

Sadly over the last while I have ruined not only my bonded with him, but our friendship because of my depression.  After a talk, he took away everything I held so dear to my heart.  All our cuddle time, receiving sweet kisses from him and being held, laying in bed and just listening to him talk or listening to his heartbeat.  At that moment I felt punished even though I believe he was trying to do the right thing for us.  I felt like I was punished and I turned away scared and upset.  I shut down.  I stopped talking to him because I felt like I wasn’t wanted anymore.  I felt like I was being pushed away for really needing him and I also realize I regret the conversation we had because it wasn’t exactly how I felt.  It was how my depression felt and I made the choice to talk well upset instead of waiting till I calmed down about things.

What made it worse was that week after was just like hell on heels.  A little over a day later I had actually gotten beat up, something that hasn’t happened in a few years.  It was by some stupid kids who were trespassing and I came out and shoo them away and ended up with some bruises.  What I really remember though was being scared after and wanting to seek out comfort from the person I loved, but than instantly sinking into my shell because I realized I lost my place with him.  I couldn’t go to him the way I normally did.  That was when I realized I made a mistake in my actions with him.  I couldn’t go to him when I was scared because I didn’t feel like he would hold me or tell me everything was okay and that he was here, he wouldn’t stay with me and sleep in my bed with me because I was scared to go to sleep.  So I sat and I hollowed myself out and I ran away from my feelings.

Depression left me in a dreadful position because I try so hard to make myself comfortable and to make everything work and when I can’t I feel like a terrible person for not being able to.  And being in the position I am now has made it much harder, but I do realize I don’t need that man to be a part of my life I don’t need anybody.  I got on just fine without people, but I want him there to love me and be the person I feel safe with if something goes wrong.  I want him just to be there, he didn’t need to do anything other than be somebody I could look to for safety.  That’s the hard thing about depression though is I am always going to look for safety because I need to or else I just hide in fear.  I realize though that not everyone wants to be a part of that nor do they want the burden.  If he wants to keep me away than I wont argue, I’ll just let him go.  I realize now that I can’t hold anybody down, if they want to go I need to let them leave because it’s their choice and maybe they can be happier without me.

 

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Love hurts

How do you love?

That’s a good question and probably one of the hardest ones to answer.  You can’t fully answer it, but you can give enough to let people see how you see it.  For one person love is holding somebody close and comforting them in their time of need, while for another it’s realizing you need to let them go so they can become something better.

Love is something powerful and it makes us do stupid things like sit and wait for someone who may never want you or bend over backwards, even though you can’t actually bend that far.  I believe what I learned though is love hurts, it burns and it makes your insides boil and sadly often more for one person than another.  Love wasn’t made to be equal, that’s something you have to choose to do on your own.  Love is feelings and people tend to feel and express differently as we are all individuals.  So say you have a couple, one is a very emotional person who tends to feel a lot and you have one who isn’t super emotional and a lot more reserved.  Often the emotional one feels more because that’s their chemistry, their personality, their behavior.  So for them it’s easy to love, it’s easy to give and it’s easy to get hurt.  While the other might find it easier to hide all their feelings and just kinda shrug their shoulders and go.

That’s been my problem for years.  I am so sensitive and I often feel way more than I should so it makes for a hellish experience.  It’s even harder to love somebody for myself, I’m depressed and for me I can’t help myself I always look at the absolutely worse things.  I just bog myself down with as much miserable bullshit as I can think of till I feel so terrible I can’t even look at myself.  So how do you love somebody when you hate yourself?

Simple, I don’t always hate myself.  Being depressed for me, it’s like being on a roller coaster.  It’s up and down.  Sometimes I am totally okay but it only takes maybe a second or two of miserable feelings for me to feel like I hit rock bottom.  Yet people seem to think it’s so hard to deal with me.  I’m too much of an attention seeker, I am too needy, I am boring, I am this and I am that.  No, I am a fucking person.

When someone says I am an attention seeker or I am needy, I honestly want to scream bloody murder at them.  I am not attention seeking, I am a kind fucking person.  I go out of my way to see how you’re doing, talk about your day and talk about mine. Yes, I do complain.  Yet so does the rest of the human population so it’s no different when I complain or bitch, so you should get that stick out of your ass.  I am also not needy, I don’t need anybody and I have realized that.  I am better off without most people, but I kept you around because there is some enjoyment in your company.  So don’t call me needy because I want your time and attention, don’t call me needy because I want to talk and don’t call me needy because I put fucking effort into something.  If I care about somebody I try to always give them the attention they deserve, which was what I did for you, I cared.  So I asked and give you attention.

Don’t call me boring.  I am not boring, I am an exquisite person with so much to give in this world and so much fun, sorry you can’t see that.  Sorry that when we hungout I was always bombed and high, sorry that I can’t talk much or do much when I am messed up.  Who’s fault was that?  Certainly not mine, you were the one who always brought the shit into the mix.  You offered it.  So sorry I wasn’t the most lively person, sorry I never did much when we spent time together and sorry that I bored you to death.  It must have been a miserable time for you.

Don’t push me down for your own entertainment, old friend.  You were the reason I almost never loved again, because you made caring and loving you miserable.  You made it like I was so much work.  Like I was there too much when in reality all I wanted was to see how you were doing.  You used me for entertainment and eventually threw me away like trash.  I felt like trash, I felt like a disappointment because in the end you talked me down so much that I thought exactly what you said was true.

I’m frigid.

I’m too shy.

I’m not engaging enough.

I need too much attention.

I’m not encouraging enough.

I’m not attractive.

I’m fat.

I am ugly.

I am boring.

I am not enthusiastic enough.

And the list goes on.  You made me see so many bad qualities about myself and you turned my good qualities into bad qualities.  You made love hurt, you made me feel ashamed for wanting to express affection and you made me feel bad about caring for you.  Even over a year later the damage you carved into me in three years time is still there.  It still haunts me and still makes every day miserable to deal with.  The fact that it’s taken this long to heal from you is horrendous.  I have to thank you though, even through all the pain you caused me I realized something.  You never loved me, not even once.  You gave me a new light in life, what not to look for when you’re seeking love.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 28/29/30

This is my last post in this section.

To think thirty days ago I started really think about what I wanted, what I needed and where I wanted to go with people and without people.  You know what really sucks, thirty days isn’t enough to figure out shit but it’s enough time to get an idea.  It’s enough time to realize I kept around a lot of shitty people in my life who offered me very little but expected me to throw away everything for them.  I was at their beck and call and without them I do feel lost.  Not because I miss them though but because my life revolved around them an unhealthy amount and it seems thats one of my worse behaviors.  I rely on company more than I thought I did and I am having a hard time just being alone.  When I think about it, I feel sad.  I only have one friend who lives near me when I see if I am lucky once a week if he even has the time to spare for me.

I realize that I always put people before myself who really barely put me first at all.  Which means I work like a dog for barely any reward at all, I suffer and get hurt for somebody who could really care less.  Which isn’t fair to myself.  I should be looking for the better things in life and stop wasting my time on people who can’t find the time to spend with me or can’t handle the fact that I am not at their heels barking like a dog.  I am not here for other peoples enjoyments and it’s already hard to enjoy life when you’re depressed so why would I even bother wasting the little bit of joy I do have on people who don’t deserve it.

I am going to move forward into life, into my career and I am going to build a future for myself.

I am going to work on my horsewomen skills, my riding skills and I am going to compete this year and start jumping.  I am going to conquer my fears.

I am going to work towards bettering myself and handling my depression and anxiety more fluidly.

I am going to work on detaching myself from unhealthy relations with people so I can move forward without being pulled back.

I am going to figure out what kind of person I want in my life more significantly, I want someone to grow with and to share important parts of my life with.

I simply want to move forward.