My Thirty Day Journey: Day 28/29/30

This is my last post in this section.

To think thirty days ago I started really think about what I wanted, what I needed and where I wanted to go with people and without people.  You know what really sucks, thirty days isn’t enough to figure out shit but it’s enough time to get an idea.  It’s enough time to realize I kept around a lot of shitty people in my life who offered me very little but expected me to throw away everything for them.  I was at their beck and call and without them I do feel lost.  Not because I miss them though but because my life revolved around them an unhealthy amount and it seems thats one of my worse behaviors.  I rely on company more than I thought I did and I am having a hard time just being alone.  When I think about it, I feel sad.  I only have one friend who lives near me when I see if I am lucky once a week if he even has the time to spare for me.

I realize that I always put people before myself who really barely put me first at all.  Which means I work like a dog for barely any reward at all, I suffer and get hurt for somebody who could really care less.  Which isn’t fair to myself.  I should be looking for the better things in life and stop wasting my time on people who can’t find the time to spend with me or can’t handle the fact that I am not at their heels barking like a dog.  I am not here for other peoples enjoyments and it’s already hard to enjoy life when you’re depressed so why would I even bother wasting the little bit of joy I do have on people who don’t deserve it.

I am going to move forward into life, into my career and I am going to build a future for myself.

I am going to work on my horsewomen skills, my riding skills and I am going to compete this year and start jumping.  I am going to conquer my fears.

I am going to work towards bettering myself and handling my depression and anxiety more fluidly.

I am going to work on detaching myself from unhealthy relations with people so I can move forward without being pulled back.

I am going to figure out what kind of person I want in my life more significantly, I want someone to grow with and to share important parts of my life with.

I simply want to move forward.


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