How do you love?
That’s a good question and probably one of the hardest ones to answer. You can’t fully answer it, but you can give enough to let people see how you see it. For one person love is holding somebody close and comforting them in their time of need, while for another it’s realizing you need to let them go so they can become something better.
Love is something powerful and it makes us do stupid things like sit and wait for someone who may never want you or bend over backwards, even though you can’t actually bend that far. I believe what I learned though is love hurts, it burns and it makes your insides boil and sadly often more for one person than another. Love wasn’t made to be equal, that’s something you have to choose to do on your own. Love is feelings and people tend to feel and express differently as we are all individuals. So say you have a couple, one is a very emotional person who tends to feel a lot and you have one who isn’t super emotional and a lot more reserved. Often the emotional one feels more because that’s their chemistry, their personality, their behavior. So for them it’s easy to love, it’s easy to give and it’s easy to get hurt. While the other might find it easier to hide all their feelings and just kinda shrug their shoulders and go.
That’s been my problem for years. I am so sensitive and I often feel way more than I should so it makes for a hellish experience. It’s even harder to love somebody for myself, I’m depressed and for me I can’t help myself I always look at the absolutely worse things. I just bog myself down with as much miserable bullshit as I can think of till I feel so terrible I can’t even look at myself. So how do you love somebody when you hate yourself?
Simple, I don’t always hate myself. Being depressed for me, it’s like being on a roller coaster. It’s up and down. Sometimes I am totally okay but it only takes maybe a second or two of miserable feelings for me to feel like I hit rock bottom. Yet people seem to think it’s so hard to deal with me. I’m too much of an attention seeker, I am too needy, I am boring, I am this and I am that. No, I am a fucking person.
When someone says I am an attention seeker or I am needy, I honestly want to scream bloody murder at them. I am not attention seeking, I am a kind fucking person. I go out of my way to see how you’re doing, talk about your day and talk about mine. Yes, I do complain. Yet so does the rest of the human population so it’s no different when I complain or bitch, so you should get that stick out of your ass. I am also not needy, I don’t need anybody and I have realized that. I am better off without most people, but I kept you around because there is some enjoyment in your company. So don’t call me needy because I want your time and attention, don’t call me needy because I want to talk and don’t call me needy because I put fucking effort into something. If I care about somebody I try to always give them the attention they deserve, which was what I did for you, I cared. So I asked and give you attention.
Don’t call me boring. I am not boring, I am an exquisite person with so much to give in this world and so much fun, sorry you can’t see that. Sorry that when we hungout I was always bombed and high, sorry that I can’t talk much or do much when I am messed up. Who’s fault was that? Certainly not mine, you were the one who always brought the shit into the mix. You offered it. So sorry I wasn’t the most lively person, sorry I never did much when we spent time together and sorry that I bored you to death. It must have been a miserable time for you.
Don’t push me down for your own entertainment, old friend. You were the reason I almost never loved again, because you made caring and loving you miserable. You made it like I was so much work. Like I was there too much when in reality all I wanted was to see how you were doing. You used me for entertainment and eventually threw me away like trash. I felt like trash, I felt like a disappointment because in the end you talked me down so much that I thought exactly what you said was true.
I’m too shy.
I’m not engaging enough.
I need too much attention.
I’m not encouraging enough.
I’m not attractive.
I am ugly.
I am boring.
I am not enthusiastic enough.
And the list goes on. You made me see so many bad qualities about myself and you turned my good qualities into bad qualities. You made love hurt, you made me feel ashamed for wanting to express affection and you made me feel bad about caring for you. Even over a year later the damage you carved into me in three years time is still there. It still haunts me and still makes every day miserable to deal with. The fact that it’s taken this long to heal from you is horrendous. I have to thank you though, even through all the pain you caused me I realized something. You never loved me, not even once. You gave me a new light in life, what not to look for when you’re seeking love.