Love hurts

How do you love?

That’s a good question and probably one of the hardest ones to answer.  You can’t fully answer it, but you can give enough to let people see how you see it.  For one person love is holding somebody close and comforting them in their time of need, while for another it’s realizing you need to let them go so they can become something better.

Love is something powerful and it makes us do stupid things like sit and wait for someone who may never want you or bend over backwards, even though you can’t actually bend that far.  I believe what I learned though is love hurts, it burns and it makes your insides boil and sadly often more for one person than another.  Love wasn’t made to be equal, that’s something you have to choose to do on your own.  Love is feelings and people tend to feel and express differently as we are all individuals.  So say you have a couple, one is a very emotional person who tends to feel a lot and you have one who isn’t super emotional and a lot more reserved.  Often the emotional one feels more because that’s their chemistry, their personality, their behavior.  So for them it’s easy to love, it’s easy to give and it’s easy to get hurt.  While the other might find it easier to hide all their feelings and just kinda shrug their shoulders and go.

That’s been my problem for years.  I am so sensitive and I often feel way more than I should so it makes for a hellish experience.  It’s even harder to love somebody for myself, I’m depressed and for me I can’t help myself I always look at the absolutely worse things.  I just bog myself down with as much miserable bullshit as I can think of till I feel so terrible I can’t even look at myself.  So how do you love somebody when you hate yourself?

Simple, I don’t always hate myself.  Being depressed for me, it’s like being on a roller coaster.  It’s up and down.  Sometimes I am totally okay but it only takes maybe a second or two of miserable feelings for me to feel like I hit rock bottom.  Yet people seem to think it’s so hard to deal with me.  I’m too much of an attention seeker, I am too needy, I am boring, I am this and I am that.  No, I am a fucking person.

When someone says I am an attention seeker or I am needy, I honestly want to scream bloody murder at them.  I am not attention seeking, I am a kind fucking person.  I go out of my way to see how you’re doing, talk about your day and talk about mine. Yes, I do complain.  Yet so does the rest of the human population so it’s no different when I complain or bitch, so you should get that stick out of your ass.  I am also not needy, I don’t need anybody and I have realized that.  I am better off without most people, but I kept you around because there is some enjoyment in your company.  So don’t call me needy because I want your time and attention, don’t call me needy because I want to talk and don’t call me needy because I put fucking effort into something.  If I care about somebody I try to always give them the attention they deserve, which was what I did for you, I cared.  So I asked and give you attention.

Don’t call me boring.  I am not boring, I am an exquisite person with so much to give in this world and so much fun, sorry you can’t see that.  Sorry that when we hungout I was always bombed and high, sorry that I can’t talk much or do much when I am messed up.  Who’s fault was that?  Certainly not mine, you were the one who always brought the shit into the mix.  You offered it.  So sorry I wasn’t the most lively person, sorry I never did much when we spent time together and sorry that I bored you to death.  It must have been a miserable time for you.

Don’t push me down for your own entertainment, old friend.  You were the reason I almost never loved again, because you made caring and loving you miserable.  You made it like I was so much work.  Like I was there too much when in reality all I wanted was to see how you were doing.  You used me for entertainment and eventually threw me away like trash.  I felt like trash, I felt like a disappointment because in the end you talked me down so much that I thought exactly what you said was true.

I’m frigid.

I’m too shy.

I’m not engaging enough.

I need too much attention.

I’m not encouraging enough.

I’m not attractive.

I’m fat.

I am ugly.

I am boring.

I am not enthusiastic enough.

And the list goes on.  You made me see so many bad qualities about myself and you turned my good qualities into bad qualities.  You made love hurt, you made me feel ashamed for wanting to express affection and you made me feel bad about caring for you.  Even over a year later the damage you carved into me in three years time is still there.  It still haunts me and still makes every day miserable to deal with.  The fact that it’s taken this long to heal from you is horrendous.  I have to thank you though, even through all the pain you caused me I realized something.  You never loved me, not even once.  You gave me a new light in life, what not to look for when you’re seeking love.

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I Fell In Love

I fell in love with him.

 

It wasn’t what possessions he had in life, what time he could offer or even how wonderful of a lover he was.  I just fell in love with him.  I loved his smile, it was so infectious. I loved the way his cheeks would bunch up when he would grin and he always managed to give me the worse case of butterflies, the kind young school girls got on their first crush.  He still does.  It always made my tummy turn in knots when he smiled because I felt so silly when I was smiling and half the time couldn’t help myself when I turn away from him bashfully.  Have you ever had someone make your heart flip just because they smiled at you?

I fell in love with his genuine kindness, even though it has been abashed by those who don’t return the favor, it never made me stop loving the sincerity and compassion he would offer me.  I thought it was so admirable, a brave feature to have in a world so cruel.  A kindness he often offered to me with sweet words and a gentle touch.  It was hard not to find security in him in what he offered me.  He always made it as comfortable as he could.

I fell in love with the way he wrapped his arms around me in the middle of the night, how he would be half asleep and still tenderly kiss the back of my shoulder.  He just always made those moments feel so right and peaceful.  It was full of affection you couldn’t find anywhere else.  It made me want to spend every night in bed with him snuggled under the blankets in his warm arms where I knew I would be totally safe.  I never once questioned my safety with him, never.

I fell in love with how easy it was to be myself.  I grew up in a life where I constantly had to impress, I had to be better and better, yet often couldn’t manage such things.  It was a soul sucking choice in life and often left me drained and feeling down.  Yet he made me feel like I was just perfect, I was enough, I didn’t need to force an absurd amount of effort out just to impress him.  He was already impressed with exactly who I was, flaws and everything.  He made me feel special, like a princess.  Like I was his diamond in the rough.

I fell in love with the way he would look at me with that sweet fond expression of his and how it always makes me melt on the inside.  He always would look at me just right with that big goofy grin of his and a sweet little compliment and it would turn me into instant goo.  I could barely get an understandable word out.  I was just so excited to be in his presence because he is freaking wonderful.

I fell in love with the way he would gently hold my hand and entangle his fingers with mine and it felt perfect.  He always held me with such tenderness.  It was always a sweet embrace and there was nothing I loved more than to be wrapped up in his arms every time I was with him.  It was like for a moment everything troubling was gone and I could happily just be with him in our happy bubble listening to the steady beat of his heart.

I fell in love with his adventurous side and how I could easily just follow him into anything.  Even the worst of my anxiety hasn’t ever stopped me when I was exploring new things with him or going out to new places with him.  I loved how he just manage to quiet everything inside of me down, I love how it’s just the two of us when we’re together and I loved how safe and secure I felt with him.

I fell in love because he never get mad at me even when I would sit in the car for five-ten minutes just enjoying resting my head on his shoulder because I wasn’t not ready to say goodbye yet.  He never got mad when I wanted one last kiss and another one and another one and another one.  He just happily gave me what made my heart sing and it made me fall in love a little more each time.

I fell in love with the idea that he was just perfect for me, even with every flaw and every mistake we made between each other.  He was perfect to me and I loved every little thing about him because that was what made him so special to me.  He was and still is my big teddy bear, my safe place and the person I always look up to when I’m unsure about everything going on in life.

I fell in love with not what he could offer, but his company and character.  I never needed every waking moment with him to be perfect, we could have just two hours together and I was extremely content with that.  All that mattered to me was that the time was spent with him.  And even with everything that has gone on, I would take him back in a heart beat because he’s the man I want in my life.  I’ve never met somebody I found so perfect when everything was going so wrong.

I fell in love with a man who was golden from start to finish.

I Wish I Told You

There’s so many things I wish I had told you…

Yet there are so many things I always seem to keep secret and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid.  I’ve seen so many things in my life that have left such heavy wounds upon myself that sometimes I still feel like I am bleeding on the inside, theoretically.  Things that time to time I wish I had stopped and talked to you about them so I could get my feet on solid ground.  I’m not like that though.  I always just jump in, even when I know it’s going to hurt me, I jump in.  I always have this fear to get everything over with, that if I don’t just grab the chance it’ll never come again, that if I don’t throw myself into life with extreme vigor I’ll be ridiculed and shamed.

I always felt like I jumped in too fast with us.  It was scary and frightening when I made the choice, I felt like I was walking in the dark and I just wanted out.  So I jumped hoping it would bring me somewhere bright.  Somewhere were I felt like I didn’t have to fear the things that go bump in the night.  I used our relationship as a security blanket because I was afraid if I didn’t snap you up as soon as I could you would leave like everyone else has.  The way some of the closest people have in my life and I really liked you so I just jumped in without thinking it through.

Yet I found so many other things I feared.  So many other things that made it so hard to grow in a relationship. Do you know why I have such a difficult time touching you sexually?  Because I was sexually assaulted.  There’s a story to it too.  I was seventeen, he was a good friend of mine at the time and I had known him for maybe a year.  I was deeply infatuated by him at the time, he was so exciting, but he was pushy and he always wanted sex when I wasn’t totally ready.  So three days into hanging out (he was staying in my town for work, since he lived a town over from me) he decided to force me to do something, fellatio.  I felt like it was my fault because I teased him and because I said I wanted to try he took that as consent and when I opted out because I was scared and not ready he just sat on top of me and did it anyways.  It left a huge scar on me emotionally, a scar later on I deepened even more by acting stupid.

Last year, at the beginning of the year I slept with him.  That was who I lost my virginity to.  I stupidly thought that if I gave him what he wanted that would make him stay longer in my life because down the road I started to care more and more about him despite the terrible thing he did to me.  Than he left.  That was just it, I gave up everything I possibly could to him and he just got up and left me in the dirt wounded.  The terrible thing though was I packed away every last bit of that feeling and eventually it came pouring out in a dark realization that I really wasn’t okay with what had happened between me and him and I feel like it conflicts with my ability to bond with you and to more boldly explore our sexuality together.

To me one of the things I really wanted, particularly when I was fifteen, was to ‘bond with a male’ and I put it that way because at that time I had no male bonds.  I never bonded with my father or my brothers, I had a few male friendships in my younger years but I had never really developed a significant bond with any man in my life.  I was actually scared of men, a fear that started developing at seven years of age.  Yet the older I got the more curious I got and I tried so hard to bond with a guy, but it never worked out.  I always thought it would be fire works and magic and often it was yelling, screaming, threats, insults and just pure pain.  I developed the idea in my head that nobody was going to care about me, nobody was going to look at me and go wow she is so beautiful, nobody would find me fascinating, I was never going to be special to somebody and nobody was going to go out of their way for me like I did for them.

Than I met you.  Even though I was very scared there was so much life in the situation.  I found much needed affection between us, something I hadn’t really experienced before.  I myself have always been very affectionate, I was the giver but I had never received affection back.  Yet you had been so affectionate towards me, so careful and gentle.  It kind of melted my heart to feel such passion and such tenderness from a man when all I’ve ever felt was fear and hurt.   It broke me though when you broke up with me because in the back of my head the only thing I could think about was, “Well, you did it again.  You lost another person, you do everything wrong.”  I felt bad because I had tried so hard to give you everything I could give no matter how scary it was for me.  I wanted to give you everything, I wanted something beautiful between us.  I wanted the stars and the moon, I wanted the beauty in life and I wanted a warm secure person to be near when I felt unsure.  When we broke up I felt like my security blanket was ripped away from me and I was back 6 feet under in the darkness.  I was mentally choking.

I had all these fears just piling up at the front door trying to kick it down to get in.  It felt like I wasn’t going to be allowed to bond with you anymore, like I wasn’t going to be allowed to want to get close to you and I wouldn’t be able to act upon that need.  I was scared you would begin to reject me and I would lose everything I worked so hard for.  I was scared that I couldn’t go to you for security anymore when I got scared or nervous and since you had become the person I began to seek out for comfort I was very hurt by the idea that I had potentially lost that.  I reestablished my fear of being treated like some other bitch, a fear that you would just move onto other women and throw me away when I was very much wanting to keep our bond and closeness.  I was scared I was going to have to share you with somebody else and than you’d find them more fascinating than I am and you’d push me away.

I know that’s fear talking, it often talks too much and too loudly.  But it’s fear none the less, it pushes me down and it makes me feel like I’m drowning.  A fear no one should have but I have to live with.  I had so much hope that I could keep you close to me, I could bond with you and build trust.  That I could get past what was weighing me down since it was something I wanted to do.  I wanted to be close with you and share special moments together that are just between us, I wanted to explore new things in your safety and I wanted to build trust.  Most of all though I wanted someone I could share my affection with that I didn’t have to worry about them wandering away, I wanted somebody who wanted me, someone who thought I was just this wonderful young lady and they would do anything to keep me in their life.  They wouldn’t wander off, they would stay exclusive with just me and remind me as often as I needed it to be reminded.  Someone who would scoop me up on a weekend night and kiss my nose and tell me how much they loved me and missed me.

I always wanted a fairy tale I guess but I realize that wont happen.  I realize I am full of insecurities and full of fears that need to be worked on.  That you have all these things going on in your life, things that are more important than I am and you can’t always give me exactly what I want.  Than I realized I just want you, that I was just scared to let go because if I did you wouldn’t be there, but you still are there even though we aren’t together.  I just have all these fears that I bottle up and they get so unmanageable and scary that it causes me to feel so insecure and than I need reassurance.   I always feel like I drive you away all on my own by just being so worried about losing you totally and about being worried that I might lose my place in your heart.  I just wish all the worry would go away, that I could confidently walk in life without fear.

 

You didn’t care, you were toxic

You know the fun thing about people, they don’t care.

Just recently as some of you know I lost a very close and personal friend to me who I held deep caring feelings for.  She was my bestfriend.  I realize some things about the situation though.  First of all, some things are better lost and never looked for again.  Not because they aren’t worth anything anymore, but because good people don’t drag you down to their shitty level and expect you to wallow in it.  Good people don’t except you to be there for them every minute of them day, but can’t be there for you even the slightest when you need them.

That was my problem with her, she just didn’t care the same amount that I did.  She cared about what she could receive from me, but not about me.  It hurts because it was a five year friendship that I endured not truly being treated the way I should be.  It was five years of needing somebody, but instead always being the shoulder to cry and being expected to be there.  I always answered the phone when she would call me crying about her ex’s, I always supported her through the hardships in life and for what?  Nothing.

My bestfriend let her ex-boyfriend back in 2012 bully me and she often said, “I dont wanna hear my bestfriend talking shit about my boyfriend. Its just gunna piss me off and ill honestly tell you to leave.”  Fun thing, I wasn’t talking shit I was trying to get it through her thick skull that he treated me poorly but she didn’t care.  I was 17 and she was 16, she only cared about the sex and the relationship adventure, she didn’t care about me.  I will actually share with you something her ex-boyfriend sent me:

“Your one fucked up piece of shit, your mother shouldve done more heavier drugss but your still fucked up. You dont ever need to tell me about your pathetic relationships and how you were treated in the past. i can totally see what happened its really really funny. sucks that you can still talk and that no one cut off your tongue. respect is earned right? well having respect brought to you on a silver platter is still being earned you dumb ass. When you start a eassy about your stupid opinions and problmes; start off with “okay i wanna go over 6 things…” get off your fucken weed and go back to school you lousy goof. I dont see you ever being with a guy by the way your head is at, your a major turn off in gerenal to all men unless its the greasy kids that want one thing. One of these days with your disprespct you going to lose Shai and your going to be alone. GO fuck yourself you ugly skank.”

I will be totally honest right this second, if your friend thinks someone who says something like this is even okay and that person is a friend than they don’t truly care about you.  Well, I mean maybe they do care but true friends don’t allow others to bully you especially people who haven’t been in their life very long.  Hey ex-boyfriend she maybe knew him for a few months before he said that.  She picked him and left for pretty much a year and than in 2014 we became friends again.

It was a lively time than and we smoked often and got into trouble.  I remember going out late on adventures and meeting cute boys.  I remember how much I enjoyed her company because we could get into trouble together and it was okay.  I wasn’t a good kid when I met her and she was a bad kid and often we ended up in trouble together.  Maybe that was where we went wrong in the beginning. Neither one of us were good for each other.

What I noticed the most now after spending five years with her was; she really wasn’t interest in me or my day, she really only talked about herself or her problems and that was it.  She always came to me like “poor me, what do I do?” and we would talk, but when I talked about my problems she was always very short with me and would often change the subject or just tell me she’s sorry.  She put no effort in helping me, but I always put so much effort into helping her whenever she needed it.  She would stay mad at me in fights because she only accepted her point of view, she only cared about her and how she was doing.  That was it.

I remember in our younger years, she would talk shit behind my back and I would find out through my other friends (who were also her friends) and she would always deny it.  She would always make it sound like it wasn’t true and she was my bestfriend, so it could be?  It can though.  Just because people are your friends doesn’t mean they have your best interests in mind and often they don’t, they have their interests.  They have their wants and needs and most people will actually walk all over you to get what they want, well at least in my experience.

She was a toxic person in my life who often created little uncomfortable ripples because I cared about her.  When I took space from her recently she just walked off and continued a friendship with someone who bullied and abused me verbally, but she blocked me on everything.  She made it clear to me how unimportant I am and what I really am realizing was if I was truly important to her there wouldn’t have been a choice she would have just picked me.  I wouldn’t have had to fight so hard she would have said “No sorry that’s wrong, I can’t be friends with someone who is hurting my bestfriend.”  She would have done something to protect me but instead she contributed to damaging my life.

So I lost something that meant everything to me, I broke.

Toxic people are all over the place though and sadly you can’t always avoid them because you don’t know what you’re looking for.  When you look at someone, you’re looking at potential not memories.  I’ll tell you what I know how about toxic people though.  Toxic people don’t make you feel good, or rarely do, they put you down either behind your back or passive-aggressively.  Toxic friends spread their negativity around like STD’s because when they feel terrible they want you to feel terrible too and they often will take you down at any cost.  I have watched toxic people ruin friendships just to hurt other peoples feelings simply because they don’t care if they hurt you in the process, they only care about their entertainment.

Toxic friends often use you for their own pleasures, they act and behave nicely and politely but often put on a facade to con you into thinking they have changed or will be nice.  Once they receive what they want they dont want to text you on a daily basis, they don’t want to call or talk to you and they don’t care about you.  They don’t stop gossiping about you or insulting you because they just don’t care. Toxic friends only go to you when life isn’t ideal for them and they know they can get something out of you.

Toxic friends do things that aren’t ideal, they talk behind your back and insult you to other people.  So you confront them and what do they say?  They never said that!  Since they don’t want to admit to being rude about you or treating you poorly because if they did you’d leave, they’d stop being their friend and they wouldn’t have a toy to play with anymore.  They like to keep score of your mistakes with them, they remind you, they like the drama and they cause a great deal of it.  It doesn’t matter the drama either as long as it’s good and fiery.

Toxic people talk trash about the people who are most important to you, even when they know that person is important.  They don’t respect boundaries and often spill things you say incorrectly so it makes you look like a bad person.  What makes it hard though is you often find yourself in the habit of saying, “but we’ve known each other forever…” trying to find reasons for holding ties when honestly there isn’t many.  You are scared to end the friendship because you don’t know what they’re going to do.  I can tell you right now if you’re scared of your friend, that’s not a friend.  Friends are a safe place to go where you can share important information and they don’t tell everyone, where they go out of their way to help you and support you.  Friends are simply just their for you even if they don’t get anything in return.

The Pain’s Of Depression and Anxiety

Here’s something fun.

So today I was with my therapist and we had sat down and talked, than I went to group.  Not your every day group though, it’s my therapist’s group so her clients can meet other people with problems and have a chance to share and grow.  She thought I would benefit from it.  What’s funny is I am the only person who suffers from on and off severe Depression and Severe Generalized Anxiety in the group.  The rest of the people have different disorders.  What caught my attention though was a young women, I think she was three years younger than I am.  When we had a chance to be alone, I had actually had enough of group so sunk into the back with some coffee, she sat down with me and asked me ‘what is it like?’.  It was a good question and I could see the worry in her eyes when she asked, she was afraid she would upset or offend me.  I didn’t mind though.  I simply answered her question.

I started to explain it to her.  I explained to her my point of view as a ‘sober’ person was different when I was ‘drunk’ on anxiety or depression.  Particularly depression, and that was what I first explained to her.  I have episodes of depression, some lasting just a short few hours and others lasting months.  My view becomes completely different from that of when I was ‘sane’ and everything becomes very dark and frightening.  For me the first thing I notice is my mood drop and it drops very dramatically to the point where what I used to find pleasurable I can no longer enjoy.  I become void of enjoyment in life.  Which can be devastating especially when you hold people close to you.  I told her that was one of my biggest struggles; looking at someone I loved and not being able to find that love.  Not being able to find that enjoyment in the adorable little things they do.  Not being able to melt into their touch or embrace.  Something that had been so normal for me a week ago just stripped from me very quickly and that is when the fear comes in.  When will I feel again?  

That’s when the thoughts typically hit me.  When I start feeling worthless, guilty, helpless and I begin to hate myself because I just can’t feel what I want so I can express what I need to express.  It becomes aggravating and unwanted feelings of deep sadness settle in because you’re trying so hard to hold yourself together and you just can’t.  I told her that was where I struggled a lot in life when I was depressed because I couldn’t be there for the person I loved and cared about, instead I was so deeply sad that even just looking at them I could just burst into tears for the silliest things.  It makes me feel like leaving is always the best option because it’s so hard watching everyone breath so freely when I am standing here suffocating under my depression.  It’s frightening.

I pretty much withdraw from social situations, I hide.  

Than I spend all my spare time alone thinking about every little possibility that could go wrong.  I just worry, but it’s easier to worry behind closed doors than it is to someone’s face.  I told her I am tired, I often feel fatigued or I get heavy headaches for a day or two.  That I get digestive problems and I stop wanting to eat and often just stop eating in general.  My body aches and pains become more intense than usual.  So I stop having motivation to do things and not because I feel too sad to do it, but because I hurt.  I’m too exhausted to get out of bed my body feels too heavy and even the thought of going out or doing anything brings deep dread for myself.

There was no way out of the feeling or that was how it felt.  I was told by many therapists to just stay busy and focus on what makes you happy or what used to make you happy.  Which was hard because what made me happy was company from others.  I told her it was particularly hard right now because my most trusted company, my bestfriend, just up and left me.  It threw me down hard mentally and left me feeling beaten half to death.  That I was left with my mental turmoil between myself and my ex, though not true turmoil.  I say turmoil because I feel greatly confused and conflicted because deep down inside me a small piece of me is screaming, ‘go to him, please’ because he had always been such a secure place for me.  On the surface though I am too scared.  Too worried about everything he could be doing that might hurt me, too conflicted by my loving feelings for him and my need to keep my heart safe and too depressed and anxious to do anything about it.  So simply I told her, ‘my depression keeps me from loving those I wish to love and it keeps me from allowing those who want to love me from loving me.  I always wander away when things get too much hoping somebody will just turn around tell me how much they love and need me, always hoping i’ll hear something.  Instead I seem to receive the absence of somebody who was once a close person in my life and a broken-heart that still yearns for the comfort of somebody warm and safe.  I choose to torture myself I guess knowing that nobody is going to tell me I can’t go because they need me.  I guess my depression always shows me how terrible everything is so that’s all I see.  How terrible things are, how hard they are. So I hurt.’

I told her I spent a lot of the time I was depressed in my life by myself with very little support from the people around me because nobody would just step up and say ‘you need me, so I can’t go anywhere’.  So often by the time I was no longer depressed I wouldn’t have anybody left because everyone would be gone by the time I was ready to start functioning like a normal person.  I would return to nothing and would have to start all over again and I believe a a child that was the reason I began to make less and less friends because I knew as soon as I was depressed they would just disappear.  Straight to the point where I honestly normally only have one or two active friendships with people I spend time with.  For me it just ended up being easier keeping most people away, than I didn’t disappoint myself so much when I just couldn’t be that happy cheerful person people wanted.

 

What made living the most difficult was having anxiety, generalized anxiety to be exact.  For me it wasn’t social, it was everything.  Just going outside my house when it’s a little bit dark makes me feel like i am going to get murdered by some serial killer.  A totally irrational thought for myself but something my brain thinks is totally a rational thought.  I am a person who is constantly tense and relaxing is extremely difficult and due to being so up I am normally very easy to startle.  Even just a light touch on the back or side when I am not expecting it can make me jump or get tense and uncomfortable.  What I hate about the anxiety the most is how it makes me feel.  I get fatigued with headaches, my muscles get tense and achy, I struggle to swallow properly, i start twitching or trembling, I feel irritable, I sweat and begin to feel nauseous and I get lightheaded with hot flashes.

What makes it worse is the panic attacks, anxiety I can typically handle, but the panic attacks can be brutal.  It feels like everything is sinking in and I begin to get claustrophobic and very hot to the point I just want to take my clothes off because I feel like I am burning.  My body would get numb and I would breath very heavy and dramatically sometimes.  I would often get chest pains and felt like somebody was choking me, I felt like I was dying and it was frightening.  I normally only have my attacks in the evening/during the night sadly when everyone is asleep and I have to deal with them on my own.  I told her it was hard to sit by yourself crying and scared feeling like the world is going to collapse onto you if you move.  Feeling like something is eating you alive and you just can’t get away from it.  

I told her having anxiety was not a walk in the park.  It made it hard for me to make friends because I was typically nervous and shy around other people and when I felt like I was getting close to someone I often went quiet.  With women it wasn’t as bad, but due to having gone through so much trauma with men in particular I told her I found bonding with men to be far more difficult.  I told her when my recent bond, the one with my ex was a difficult struggle.  I was conflicted and worried because I had only every loved one person so of course I worried.  So I told her my worries:

“I was worried he wouldn’t love me back.  I was worried I wouldn’t say it right.  I was worried I would look at him wrong in the moment and it would be ruined.  I was worried I would say it wrong or say something stupid and ruin it.  I was worried that the closer I got the more likely I would lose him because closeness has always meant losing someone to me.  When he told me he loved me though the worries changed.  I was worried he would fall out of love with me.  I was worried he would meet someone else who strikes his fancy and leave me.  I was worried the more time he spent with me the less he would enjoy me.  I was worried I was a mistake.”

That was simply how I worked, I worried and I worried excessively and often I never really tell people how I feel.  I just worry.  When in reality I should because deep down I known I want and need to hear how important I am, how much I am needed and how hard it is on me because I try so hard to give and give and give till I am just broken.  I told her it hurt to be this way, it hurt because it always feels like nobody cares about you because your brain makes you feel like nobody cares. Than she put her hand on my knee and she told me, “you have people here who care.”  And I honestly think that warmed my heart just the slightest.  I have dwelled so much on being uncared for over the past week that I forgot that there probably was at least one person who cared.

A Letter To A Lost Lover

Dear Beloved,

 

I’m sorry things didn’t go exactly the way we planned in our heads and I’m sorry for every tear that has strolled down your cheek.  Sad tear’s don’t belong on such a handsome face because it always mean’s your beautiful mind is clouded.  I wish there was an easier way to deal with our problems instead of what I normally choose, running away.  I wish I personally could be there better for you to help you move forward in life because trust me watching you struggle kills me.  The problem for myself though is I can’t even be there for myself.  Which is likely the reason I can’t properly be there for you the way I would like to be.  I mean I tried my hardest before I scurried away from the tragedy that just seems to be my life.  I tried everything I possibly could manage even pushing my depression down behind me when we broke up so I could try and make sure you were okay.

I saw how hard it was on you to be with me, I really did.  I just selfishly kept waiting to see if we could just figure things out till you just ended up breaking up with me.  Than all these things came raining down on me.  All these things about you and how you felt and man did I feel overwhelmed.  What I first hear was you were lost, something I had felt for a long time myself when I was younger.  I had all these things I just wanted to say to you about it, all these words just kept bubbling up in my head but it was never the right time to speak.  There was always a new problem that when I decided I wanted to sit and talk to you about it I just couldn’t because I had to deal with something else either between us or between me and somebody else.  I was emotionally exhausted so I was too exhausted to try and help you.

What I have to say though is everybody feel’s lost at some point in their life, sometimes multiple points.  It’s a part of life and growing up because in order to learn and process you must go through life’s challenges.  Lots of people drift when they’re lost, they can’t figure out what or why they are doing something.  They just slowly let the social current of life carry them along and sometimes without even noticing.  They just ebb into life randomly bumping into little ‘life logs’ and without at least a small plan on where you’re going it can be difficult to handle.  If you don’t know how to navigate the seas it’s easy to get lost.

What I found truly made me feel lost was my lack of passion in my life.  Often people get into the fixation of work, friends, sleep.  That’s it.  Friends are great, yes.  You can have millions of wonderful lively memories that make you smile and laugh, but nothing beats a hot fiery passion.  For myself I always make time for thing’s I am passionate about even if it’s just a small piece of my day because it becomes a little purpose in life.  You do it because you enjoy it, it’s relaxing, it’s something you’re good at, ect.  It’s also something you can tie yourself down with when you feel lost or like you’re floating away in life.  It can act like a little temporary anchor to help support you.

And from watching you I feel like you lack purpose in your life which is an huge contributor to feeling lost.  You’re not alone though because most people don’t know exactly what they’re going to do in their life and you aren’t expected to map out every inch of your life.  I feel like you always take too much onto you constantly and you carry such a heavy load, but it’s hard carrying so much when you don’t know what direction to go.  It makes you feel like your legs are gunna break under the weight.  It’s not your responsibility to carry everything at once though.  Sometimes it’s just best to put the load down for a little while and have some you time even if that means just telling everyone you’re busy that day.  People aren’t going to be upset if you take a little time to yourself, not everyone is an absolute savage.

For me when I was lost I have to take time to reconnect with what I loved doing, I took moments for things I was passionate about.  I went on adventures with myself or with people I was particularly close to.  I constantly and still to this day expand my comfort zone because in order to keep from feeling lost you have to keep building.  Figure out your dream or at least an idea of where you’d like to be say in 5 years and started working towards it.  Decide which people are a must in your life and work towards building your future with them, decide what qualities in life you need and work towards achieving them, decide what makes you most happy and get out there and take it!

Being lost is something normal that everybody goes though and from what I have learned over my short life is it is something you will go through more than once.  When life changes when you aren’t ready it often creates instability and when you aren’t sure what you truly want it makes changes more difficult.  Often people feel overwhelmed and instead of sitting and figuring out what is causing them to feel overwhelmed in the situation they often sit or drift more.  Simply because that’s what they did before and people are creatures of habit.

 

What I also noticed was how difficult of a time you had keeping up with all your friends.  How you struggled to balance priorities and how you often didn’t feel too happy about it.  It made me sad because sometimes I felt like a douchebag because I really wanted your attention and still wanted it even after we broke up.  So when you got too busy for me at times I felt sad because I selfishly felt like I deserved more when I didn’t, I deserved what you could offer me.  I hadn’t even truly realized until recently you were honestly giving me as much as you possibly could well trying to give everyone else as much as you possibly could.  Than I felt worse because I saw somebody drained and tired constantly trying to give and give, but how much did you really receive back?  I felt like you didn’t receive half of what you deserved back. Not from me, not from anybody.

Actually it was something I admired and pitied about you.  I admired it because it takes a lot out on somebody to give especially when you give and you don’t receive a damn thing back.  Maybe this is why so many people take but do not give back, because it’s so much easier to selfishly take than to selflessly give.  Which was something I admired so much about you because it was such a fresh breath of air to be pampered and well cared for by somebody who wanted to do it.  Somebody who didn’t expect anything out of me after and I could just enjoy the moment, but I also pitied it.  I pitied it because I saw so much of myself in those moments.  A person who gives and gives but never receives.  Somebody who takes on extra weight to help others, but already has the entire weight of their own life crushing their shoulders.

Having that been my own problem too I learned that I often didn’t have adequate time to decompress after something stressful because somebody different would have a problem.  So of course I would ‘go fix’ that problem too.  Than I would just think, “oh look a moment to myself,” and somebody would want to see me and talk because they are having a hard time.  It would become  a little circus because I was dealing with everyone elses problems, plus my own and than random uncontrollable mishaps in life.  Which caused me to end up taking that negativity along with me too and into different friendships which in turn ruined them much like I felt like I was ruining ours.  I felt so unhappy and bogged down because I was struggling to maintain my friendships due to depression, I was trying to deal with other peoples shitty problems, I was struggling to deal with my problems and I often felt like I was bringing all of my negativity back to you.

Which I noticed you seemed to do, you tried so hard to keep everything balanced and maintain priorities and friendships and responsibilities.  Often I felt like you tried to maintain them at the same level of everything and that’s exhausting.  I did that.  I learned though to know what was important and what wasn’t.  As I grew as an adult I learned work, school and family, those where mandatory.  Those were things I truly couldn’t compromise, cut back or neglect.  What I first started to do was I started with people, I picked two people who meant the absolute most to me and decided what time I could dedicate to them, what I wanted from them and what I needed from them.  That I repeated the process, I picked two people who obviously were of slightly less importance.  In doing so I realized there weren’t very many people of dire urgency that I absolutely needed to see them asap whenever they were free.  I realized most of the ‘extra people’ came and went as they pleased and if they didn’t fit into my schedule it wasn’t a big deal.  The reason why it wasn’t was because they weren’t a huge priority and obviously I wasn’t a huge priority to them either because they’d be making lots of effort to have me in their life if I was.

Than I would work on my other priorities, my weekly ones.  Every Sunday or Monday I would sit down with myself and write out what I needed to get done that week and what I would like to do that week.  I chose weekly because priorities change often because peoples wants and needs change.  I chose weekly because sometimes I would run out of money or something and decided that what I would like to do just wasn’t feasible.  Than most of all I made sure I scheduled days I could stay at home and sleep properly.  I knew the better I slept the easier it was to deal with everything I had on my plate.

What I didn’t learn right away and often what I hear from you also, is it’s hard to say ‘no’.  Which I get nobody likes to say ‘no’ because you don’t want to disappoint the people around you.  You’re supposed to be a good friend so you just try and do it anyways even though you don’t have time for it and it’s definitely not a huge priority for you.  Often people believe that when they say ‘no’ the consequences are going to be harsher than they are in reality.  We don’t want to disappoint, we don’t want to hurt others and make them feel rejected and we don’t want people to be upset with us if we do decide to say ‘no’.  Saying no can be a challenge for anybody especially if you’re worried about damaging or ruining a friendship.

What I learned is saying ‘no’ is like ripping off a band-aid, you do it quickly.  Provide a brief reason why, though not always needed, it’s nice to let people know why you may not be able to handle another piece on your plate.  Most of the time people understand and appreciate the honestly, particularly good friends who truly care about you.  Than I try to provide something different, like some kind words.  For example, maybe I am at work and somebody wants to see me and they want to see me now (and I have had somebody do this and actually stupidly let them come to my work) I might apologize and tell them I am currently at work and it’s busy but I would ask if they wanted any advice that I could offer once I have a few minutes to spare.  To me that doesn’t sound unreasonable.  True friends will try and understand and will accept your choices, leeches often don’t and get upset when you say that you just have too much going on currently.  If somebody can’t accept and understand that you have responsibilities and demands in your life than they aren’t being very kind to you.

 

A part of growing up is realizing that life isn’t fair and often you have to do things that are uncomfortable and difficult no matter what.  Something you have shown me you can do even if it was hard on you.  You broke up with me because you weren’t ready for a relationship and that took so much courage and boldness you wouldn’t believe.  Although I felt hurt because of the breakup I also appreciate it because it shows me that you’re trying to make the right choices for yourself and me.  That I am very proud of.  It shows me you do have the bravery and potential to say ‘no’ and you do try and prioritize your life.  Even though I am not a priority the way I would like to be I am still proud of you.  I am proud because even in these small ways you are making progress and I am happy to be a part of that progress even if it hurts my feelings.

Now I could definitely carry on forever trying to give you every little bit of advice I possibly could, but I wouldn’t have time.  All I want to tell you is even after everything that has gone on I still love you.  I still love you with every insecurity you have, every mistake you make and every hiccup in our lives.  I still love you even if you’re no longer mine to love and I still love you even when you’re not here with me.  It’s because I choose to love somebody so beautiful and so vibrant since you deserve it.  There is nothing more in life than I want other than for you to find your way forward into life into some form of security whether I am there or not.  I just want you to be okay in your life.

 

Love your princess.

Friend or Foe?

Some names have been changed in this article  to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

For some people friends come easy, plenty and lively.  For myself it seems to be a challenge that often leaves me in tears.  You see quite often than not I seem to attract some of the worst people with the worst qualities and it ends in some of the most ill ways.  I’m not positive why, but likely because I am such an easy target.  The older I get the softer I seem to become, the more damaged I am the worst I attract.  Something I just seemed to accepted as I got older because I felt like I wasn’t of much worth myself.  I myself have went through so many crummy friendships it’s not worth the count, but I can tell you a majority of my friendships have been horrendous.

So I’ll tell you two stories.

The first one wasn’t as terrible as some of the others but it’s definitely one of my top ten worst experiences in my life.  It was a man, let’s call him ‘Todd’.  ‘Todd’ was like a first love situation of three years where he honestly had no love or care for me what-so-ever.  Sadly I was sixteen at the time which was a young and stupid year for myself.  He took me on my first date which honestly wasn’t much of a date, we ordered pizza with a movie and cuddled.  He seemed like a decent guy actually and I enjoyed his company.  In fact I thought everything went swimmingly.

Sadly I was very inexperienced with men and sexual advanced and often when he would try something I didn’t get it or I just pushed him away because I was nervous.  This proceeded with him saying he doesn’t like frigid girls which made me feel bad.  I wasn’t trying to behave like one I was simply under educated and a little bit worried about the unknown.  Which honestly is something expected from a young teen who hasn’t experienced much in the realm of sexual advances, relationships, ‘playmates’, ect.  I displayed a normal response of hesitance and was made to feel bad about it.

At this point we entered an on and off stage together, he would be so nice and sweet to me at one moment and would see me and hangout and spend time but than was cold.  I often found myself wondering why.  Was it because I didn’t give him what he wanted?  Well a year into knowing him, actually possibly a little bit more than a year, something happened between me and him.  He sexually assaulted me and forced me to give him head.  It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like minutes had went by.  I felt terrible after because I felt like it had been my fault, I deserved that because I obviously lead him on sexually.  I shouldn’t have been so flirty towards him, I shouldn’t have shown so much interest sexually.  I should have pulled myself together and went through with his demands.  I couldn’t though.

Because of that event it made me feel very differently about male genitalia.  Have you ever been sexually active but never touched male genitals? (FWI I became sexually active when I was nineteen, this happened when I was about seventeen)  Sadly this isn’t the end of our story.  I actually sent an whole year without seeing him and only really randomly talking to him.  It was in the beginning 2015 that he msged me asking if I wanted to spend the night.  I think the first time I turned him down, but later on I asked him.  I still haven’t truly figured out why I asked but I do have some theories.  He was the first person I ever slept with, it was short lived though.  Shortly after sleeping with him he msged me for a little bit talking and probably a few weeks after everything he insulted who I was.  He told me I was clingy, I was bad at making conversation but I talked too much, that I wasn’t fun or adventurous but he only ever took me to his room.  I was everything wrong even when I gave him everything I possibly could.

I’ll tell you right now though, he gave me nothing.  He took and took and I gave and gave till I gave something precious I couldn’t take back.  People tell me all the time, everyone regrets their first time.  I certainly do but what I regret most is I gave it to a sex addict, I gave it to someone who insulted me, I gave it to someone who didn’t love or care about me, I gave it away for free.

There are so many men out there like that though, they get what they want and throw you away.  What hurt me the most was he strung me along for three years and everytime I spent a moment with him I just fell in love.  A false love for sure, because I’ve loved someone else now and I know what love is supposed to feel like.  He was just a bad person who did terrible things to nice girls.  He chose to be that person too, he made a clear choice to hurt people who tried to care about him and he was okay with that.  This was definitely a lesson learned though.

 

Some people just aren’t good, some are toxic.

This lady, she was toxic.  Let’s call her ‘Samantha’.  It was a short friendship and almost instantly we became bestfriends and our friendship took flight rather quickly.  Initially I had so much fun everything was so bright and lively.  We had many late night outings together where we would be about till 3 in the morning driving around and causing mischief.  It had been such a long time since I had so much fun with another person and I was ecstatic about the opportunity.  What I wasn’t aware of was that ‘Samantha’ wasn’t really a good friend or person.  In fact she ended up making me feel extremely terrible.

I actually developed a fear of doing things without asking or talking to her first.  I constantly got blamed when something went wrong especially when she lost a friend ‘because of me’, when in reality she was harassing and attacking him to the point he just didn’t want to be friends with her.  Which she constantly brought up, she didn’t want me to screw up another of her friendships.  She just wasn’t fair to me.

When I wanted to go home, half the time she wouldn’t let me I would say I am tired and such and she just wouldn’t drive me home.  Things just didn’t happen unless it was her choice, she would hangout with people when I didn’t really want to but of course she would throw the line “but I’m just trying to find us something to do” so she wasn’t doing anything wrong right?  Well she was.  I felt guilty when she did it and often felt like when I didn’t really want to hangout with other people that made me boring and her unhappy.  It was my fault.  I just felt terrible around her all the time.

It wasn’t till I met the man of my dreams that it really got worse.  I began dating him and no longer could hold up my friendship with ‘Samantha’ as she just seemed very much uninterested in the idea of me dating my lover.  Shortly after I discontinued talking to her she began gossiping to my bestfriend and in turn my bestfriend would tell me and that was when things slowly started to spiral out of control.  She constantly would use my boyfriend as a way to hurt me, she lied about what he was doing with her and saying to her, she made it sound like he talked shit about me and didn’t love or care about me.  Straight to the point where I had to cut two of my closest friends out to get away from the way she made me feel.  I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of all the guilt and hatred I was carrying.

She had won though, that was what killed me the most.  She got exactly what she wanted and that was for myself to be miserable and alone.  I was beaten down till I couldn’t function, I couldn’t enjoy the man I loved and I started questioning my bestfriend.  I let a stupid game carry out for so long that it partially ruined my life.

I learned something though through every little terrible thing I endured.  For one, I can endure a lot of pain and still be okay in the end.  I also learned that just because somebody appears to be a ‘good person’ really doesn’t mean they are.  People who are genuinely good always look out for the other persons best interests along with their own.  They don’t hurt peoples feelings to get what they want and they don’t sit and insult others until that person can no longer take it anymore.  Good people are kind and considerate.

That’s what I aim to be, a good person.