My Thirty Day Journey: Day 28/29/30

This is my last post in this section.

To think thirty days ago I started really think about what I wanted, what I needed and where I wanted to go with people and without people.  You know what really sucks, thirty days isn’t enough to figure out shit but it’s enough time to get an idea.  It’s enough time to realize I kept around a lot of shitty people in my life who offered me very little but expected me to throw away everything for them.  I was at their beck and call and without them I do feel lost.  Not because I miss them though but because my life revolved around them an unhealthy amount and it seems thats one of my worse behaviors.  I rely on company more than I thought I did and I am having a hard time just being alone.  When I think about it, I feel sad.  I only have one friend who lives near me when I see if I am lucky once a week if he even has the time to spare for me.

I realize that I always put people before myself who really barely put me first at all.  Which means I work like a dog for barely any reward at all, I suffer and get hurt for somebody who could really care less.  Which isn’t fair to myself.  I should be looking for the better things in life and stop wasting my time on people who can’t find the time to spend with me or can’t handle the fact that I am not at their heels barking like a dog.  I am not here for other peoples enjoyments and it’s already hard to enjoy life when you’re depressed so why would I even bother wasting the little bit of joy I do have on people who don’t deserve it.

I am going to move forward into life, into my career and I am going to build a future for myself.

I am going to work on my horsewomen skills, my riding skills and I am going to compete this year and start jumping.  I am going to conquer my fears.

I am going to work towards bettering myself and handling my depression and anxiety more fluidly.

I am going to work on detaching myself from unhealthy relations with people so I can move forward without being pulled back.

I am going to figure out what kind of person I want in my life more significantly, I want someone to grow with and to share important parts of my life with.

I simply want to move forward.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 27

A touchy subject, something I almost want to scream at everyone.

False friendships.  I actually have a male friends who had an issue with friendships, particularly female friendships and it honestly bugs me seeing how shitty he is treated and he doesn’t realize that most of them don’t care about them.  Friends don’t treat each other that way.  Female are often a complex being and I see so often that people excuse their bad behavior for them being them, it’s their time of month, women are just gossipy, ect.  It’s bullshit, don’t let a women treat you like trash!

If she isn’t getting to know you and only complains to you, she doesn’t care about you.  Friendships, especially with emotional and mentally strong women, are a wonderful thing because to me I always feel like women dig a little deeper than men.  I myself have always found women get to know me quick than men every time and I have had a multitude of friends from gay to straight.  Like any normal functioning friendship though people get to know each other, they talk bout their life and what new things they are planning to do but it’s equal.  Often you’ll meet the toxic she-devils though who don’t make it equal they only come and complain and talk about them and they don’t give a flying fuck about your life.  They just want to use you as a dumping site and when they’re done they’re gone.  Trust me when I say you’re not  garbage can, you’re a human being.

If she can go from sweet to completely insulting, she doesn’t care about you.  I have seen this time and time again especially with women.  You have a female friend who is very kind towards you when she’s getting everything her way, but dare you change something or say something she doesn’t like she’ll lite a fire under your ass.  That’s not a friend, that’s a monster.  If she constantly has to pick a fight with your choices she doesn’t care about what you want or your happiness, if she sees you with a girl and she doesn’t like it and makes you feel terrible for wanting to be with somebody than she doesn’t care about you, if she shoots in form of insults that are more than just a “fuck you” than she is 100% not a friend.

She never returns a favor, advice or anything, she doesn’t care about you.  If you do something really nice for her she should do the same, that’s the nice thing to do.  I don’t mean go out and buy you a care, but maybe you write her a nice letter or something thanking her so she goes and takes you out for a coffee.  Maybe she rants the crap out of you and you sit and listen so she makes you lunch next time you hangout.  A good friend returns the kindness, a bad friend takes and takes till you have nothing left to give.

She’s only interested in what you can offer; sex, money, advice, trips, ect.  She doesn’t care about you, she’s just using you.  This is a golden one right here, much like men women use and often I find women to use others far more than men.  Lots of women like men (and women) for what they can offer and you should never allow yourself to fall victim to this kind of treatment.  You aren’t there to hand out prizes for her.  You want someone who is there for just your company, not all the trips and luxuries she can get out of you.

She breaks promises, plans and commitments to you.  She doesn’t care about you.  Lots of times people can make booboo’s in their plans, but thats one thing and this is another.  You make plans and she cancels on you constantly she doesn’t care.  If she promises she wont do something than continues to do it anyways than she doesn’t care.  If she just simply can’t respect you, your choices and what you ask of her than she doesn’t care.  Good friends understand when you ask them not to do something because it bothers you or upsets you, they make sure that they have time for you and make sure you’re happy.

If she chews you out for making a mistake, doing something she doesn’t like or saying something she doesn’t like.  She doesn’t care about you.  This is another one that really gets at me a lot when I see it happen.  She gets upset or mad because you did something she didn’t like so she freaks out at you.  I can tell you right now a good friend would be happy for you no matter what, like say you just started dating someone if she was really a good friend to you she’d congratulate you and wish you happiness. She wouldn’t attack you over stupid stuff, that’s not friendly.

If she ignores you constantly, she doesn’t care about you.  This should actually be a tip for people in general, if someone was really important to you than you’d make time to talk and hangout.  No questions asked.  If they don’t care about you than why would they bother answering you?  They probably have better things to do and I guarantee you probably do too.  This honestly normally is one sided, most of the time you end up making most of the effort to have conversations and hangouts, this person spends little time trying to spend time with you because they just don’t want to.  You have lost your spot quickly and they’ll move on.  So should you.

Don’t let a women walk all over you just because you kinda hope she might be a good friend.  If she can’t put you 100% first in a friendship than you shouldn’t either.  Don’t waste your time especially when there are so many other people who could fill that position so much better than they could.  You deserve happy so make a happy choice, choose to pick better people who want to see you succeed and grow.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 26

Down to crunch time, it’s the last few days of that journey and to be honest I feel so much better and worse at the same time.  I still don’t have a solid answer to everything I want and I am learning I don’t want answers to half the things I questioned 26 days ago.  I feel like my perspective has changed a lot and my idea of what I was looking for has changed more than I wanted it to.  I feel very content with a lot of the things going on yet very lost in the things I don’t completely understand.

I guess that’ what happens when you suffer through life.  You realize that there is not a lot you an do with change.  You either go with it or you get lost in the current.  I think for a little bit I was just allowing myself to drown and I was deliberately holding my head under water because that was all I really knew how to do.  I feel a lot more at ease though now.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 23/24/25

Sorry for the slow posts guys, I’ve just been very busy lately.  I’ve had a lot going on over the past few days which has made it hard to get on and make well thought out posts.  I guess that’s what you get for choosing to start your own career, there’s no time for you.  I did have a day though that really caught my interest, one of my friends asked me why I started dating my ex, what drove me to ask him to be my boyfriend, what drove me to continue the relationship and why did I stay after we broke up.  All good questions.

I had to think a moment before answering her, there were so many reasons why he became such an important person in my life but how did you explain why.  Well, I told her this.  There was a time when I didn’t find myself attractive, I felt ugly and undesirable, yet he changed that so effortlessly.  When I thought nobody would every truly love me or care about me and he change that too.  He changed the way touching felt to me, he changed the way I felt when something was intimidating.  I didn’t hide from him.  Worried or not I could approach at my own free will.  It wasn’t a terrible struggle.

Over time I had developed a security in him that I didn’t believe anybody else could offer me, it was unique, it was his way even if he didn’t notice he was doing it.  He had been such a sweetheart to me and it was soothing.  It was a change for me too though, I hadn’t ever really received the kindness he offered me in my life.  I grew up with a lot of empty gestures and fake kindness that often got me physically hurt and emotionally damaged.  It was different with him though he was such a gentle person with this warm soul that just made me melt on the inside.  I wanted to have happy moments with him.  I wanted to continue on in life with this wonderful man.

When I first met him it was his personality that won me over, his kindness and his gentle nature that made me want to make him mine.  The way he held my hand and kissed my forehead just brought so much to me that nobody was offering.  I had to have him.  It’s the same reason I stay after we broke up too, because he still offered m the same kindness and the same gentle hand that I feel in love with.

We had so many bumps in the road though, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and we both seemed to be going in different directions at this point.  I can tell you one thing though I would do this over and over again with him even if it still hurt.  I was endure it because he is a great man and this was one of the most memorable moments in my life.  I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 22

“What do you want in a relationship, five things. Go.”

Was what my friend ask me today, totally on the spot.  She was curious.  She wanted to know what I was looking for and she wanted to see if it was similar or different from what she got from other women.  Granted she asked other questions like how I am coping with the break up, do I feel like I really love him, ect.  Curiosity killed the cat guys.  Here are my five wants in a relationship though.

 

Communication.  Not because I am a super feely talky person, I am actually terrified of talking and it’s something I struggle deeply with especially person to person communication.  The reason it lands in the top five is because I struggle communicating.  I need a guy who is willing to put a little extra effort into the communication, someone who will and understand my side and try and make talking comfortable.  For me it has always been a tricky situation because I get super nervous when it comes to talking about my feelings and we I have to talk about a serious situation it intensifies.  I need a man who wont open fire on me when I’m struggling to open up and communicate.  It’s one of the darkest moments for me, the most difficult.  Already being a fairly nervous person I normally don’t like uncomfortable situation.  I want someone who can make even the worst conversation not feel so scary for me.

A life of their own.  I don’t want someone who is hung up on me and I don’t want someone who I end up hung up on.  I want someone who happily lives their life with their own goals, but wants to celebrate those goals with me when they achieve them.  I want someone who might be out with his friends all day but is happy to come back to my place after to just come cuddle and sleep in bed with me.  I want someone who works a long week, goes home and tells me he can’t wait for his days off so he can see my beautiful face.  I want someone who has a life, something thats going on, but wants to include me in his life.  I’m not just a side show attraction, a kinda maybe.  I am a small island in the middle of his heart floating and watching him move forward.

A bond.  One of the most important things for me is bonding time and special quality time.  I like going out and having an adventurous time, going for walks, laying and watching the stars, cuddling in bed and so much more.  Mainly because i can watch my partner and notice their quirks, their habits and their personality.  I like watching how a pair of people ‘mold’ together, how you for habits together and preferences together.  Most importantly though is I like watching myself grow with someone, particularly watching my feelings and love grow for someone and for their’s to do the same.  A bond is this beautiful thing between two human beings that creates such beautiful moments and I want a million moments.

Love.  I don’t just want a relationship, I want love.  I want someone who grabs me and kisses me passionately before telling me how much he loves me.  I want a man who knows I am enough for him, he doesn’t need a single other girl to fill his mind.  I am enough and he loves me.  I want to be the apple of his eye.  I want the purity of love in my relationship because I want whoever I am with to look at me and think about how lucky he is to have me and have him want to spend every moment he has loving me like every one was his last.  I want a love thats more than just unforgettable, I want it legendary.  Pardon me for shooting big, go big or go home.

Security.  That’s the last thing I really look for.  Something I never really tried looking for but I realize it is something I have really been needing in my life.  I want and need to feel secure with the man I am with in order to prosper in a relationship.  Even if he has to give me extra attention sometimes, talk about the same thing three of seven times in a row till I am content with the answer, or just simply tell me he loves me when I feel very sad.  I understand I can be such a handful but it’s so much easier when you feel secure.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 20/21

So today I had a mental break down.

To be honest it was brutal because I felt like everything was swallowing me up and I was in that moment I realized when I really need people they likely aren’t going to be there.  I guess that’s the shitty thing about needing people.  You can’t expect anyone to drop all their shit, that’s not fair.  You can’t expect people to take a deep concern or interest in your problems simply because it’s not their problem.  People don’t want to take more on their plate and if you constantly have problems you bring to them they might feel a lot of pressure.  Which could chase them away.

I don’t bottle it up though, I do that and it’s never the answer.  You need to find balance, know what to bring to certain people.  I guess that’s where I struggle because I don’t know who really cares about me.  Honestly it doesn’t feel like anyone truly cares about me and the sad thing is in the back of my mind I feel like if I died tomorrow I wouldn’t really be missed by anyone I really care about.  It’s a dark thing to think, but how would you feel if you’re struggling so bad and there’s people you really need and you can barely give you the time of day.  I guess this is when you start questioning peoples loyalty.  I do all the time.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 18/19

Another post done in a pair, starting to get difficult covering them day by day.

I think today I want to just apologize to everyone I love and care about for not always being the best person I can be.  Sometimes I am selfish, sometimes you are.  Sometimes I through fits and get upset, sometimes you do the same.  We aren’t perfect people and nobody expects us to be.  The last while though had made me think a lot about loving people and being in love with someone, yet so many people have different opinions.  To me loving someone is a choice, where as being in love is like involuntarily walking into it without noticing.  It’s more infatuation than love, being in love is normally short lived.

Loving someone is putting them first, your happiness is their happiness and you willing choose to do things that’ll make that person happy.  Even if it’s something just tiny like knowing they like a morning coffee on a Saturday so when you see them you pick them up a little coffee.  It’s telling them something they love hearing, not because you think it’ll make them like you more if you compliment them, but because you know it puts a smile on their face.  Loving someone is sacrificing things you normally wouldn’t because that person’s happiness is a link to yours, when they’re happily living life so are you.  Where as being in love has more to do with how you enjoy them, how you like things.  Being in love is just more to do with yourself than the love itself.  It’s the excitement of what you get out of that person for yourself, not what you can offer to make that person happy.

The golden one is loving someone and needing them to be happy where they are.  Loving someone is allowing them to live their life even if that’s a life without you.  Happiness doesn’t equate to being together all the time, it’s balance.  When you love somebody you allow them to have their moments with their friends, their time with their hobbies, ect.  Being in love is much like greed.  You need them in your life, you seek them out and constantly want more time with them because you don’t want that excitement to end but sadly being in love is often short lived.  At some point you need to decide, do I want to love this person and put them first, choose to make happiness for both of us.

Love is a bond, it’s a deep affection toward another person.  It is happily trying to bring out the best qualities in a person, it’s being there even if it’s not convenient for yourself.  Loving someone is learning every little detail about them, good or bad, and than accepting that because that’s what makes them who they are.  Well being in love is an infatuation, enjoying the fun side of somebody.  It’s that exciting moment they bring into your life and the hopes that there will never be a dreary day because you’re too busy enjoying the excitement.

For me love is of something simple:

Love is a choice.  It’s waking up in the morning on a busy day and texting them that morning letting them know so and so you can tell them how you hope for a wonderful day for them or a wonderful time at work because you might not be able to later.  It’s the need to know every little detail about that person because you want to understand them better, you want to get to know their interest and you want know what makes them smile.  It’s telling them how wonderful they are or how handsome/beautiful they are everyday because you know they enjoy hearing it.  It’s spending those special moments just with them that nobody else in the world could create with you even if it’s not exciting it still makes you happy because you’re in their company.  It’s having a secure place to go when everything is going terribly wrong, it’s a pair of arms that’ll hug you and give you comfort you can’t find with somebody else.  It’s fighting or being upset but still turning about and telling them you love them because you don’t want them to forget.  It’s putting everything out on the table knowing some of it might hurt, but wanting to sort something out because nobody could ever be that person the way they are.  It’s realizing that nothing is perfect, timing is always shitty, but you’d stick around for as long as you could stretch yourself out just continue to make that person happy.  It’s taking wounds and damage and dealing with it because you aren’t just going to replace that person just cause something didn’t go right.  It’s going every mile you can till there’s nothing left.

When I think about it love is like artwork, you have to go all the way and finish it to see it’s potential if you leave it half done than you’ll never know.  Well being in love, it’s like buying someone elses artwork and admiring it till you get bored.  I want to create something of my own with somebody, our own artwork together.