It seems so easy to switch back and forth between okay and not okay. I was so bright yesterday, so happy and full of motivation and it just seemed to vanish. Maybe because today I am worried, scared about my future and about where I am going. Scared because I don’t like the things that I am realizing and scared that the people I cared most about don’t care about me the way I thought they did. Realizing for all the effort I have put into everything between me and others I get so little back. Maybe I should stop giving?
I find myself often scared to speak my mind especially when it comes to close friends. I have always had friends who don’t accept responsibility for their own actions so it’s my fault. When I need personal space people leave me so it makes me not want to let people go, I sit and I allow myself to get extremely overwhelmed by everything going on. What I need to realize is that if people care they aren’t just going to walk away from you if you choose to take some space. Good people don’t do that, they acknowledge the situation and try and understand where you are coming from. They try to understand your point of view, especially if they are part of the reason you are stressed. They try and do something to fix the situation if possible and they make the right choice for you even if it’s something they might not like. Good people think about the person they care about before themselves, they ask what said person needs and than see if they can offer it and if not they sit and communicate other options that might work. Good people don’t just walk off because it’s too difficult.
Good people don’t tell you one thing and than later tell you something different. Yes everyone lies at some point in their life, but good people don’t constantly do such things and don’t constantly say one thing and than say another thing. I had that a lot with an ex-bestfriend actually. I’ll tell you something she lied about years ago, back when I was sixteen and she was fifteen. I had met a guy through her, she said that one of her friends had slept with him once and after that they were just friends. Than this year before we stopped being friends she said, “No she never slept with him, she would never lower her standards like that.” So it made me mentally question her, but she did this often to me. People who tell you one thing and than tell you another thing often lie and they lie excessively. It’s something they do for entertainment and you can confront them all you want but they will never admit to it. Good people don’t do shady shit like they, they respect other people and what’s personal about them. They don’t lie about small things like that just because and they don’t constantly lie to people they are supposed to care a great deal about.
They don’t diminish your problems and difficulties in life, good people step up and ask if there is anything they can do or they at least sit and listen. Good people don’t just say, “Sorry that’s terrible.” and than leave you hanging when you need support. Through that I realize I have depended on the wrong people way too long, I have expected the wrong people to care about me. I had people in my life who would gossip about me to other people and than tell me they never did such a thing, I would have people who tell me they would always be there but than never do it, and I had people who made me believe they cared when they did.
My problem though is I am too sensitive. I am too insecure. I am broken.
People see the fragile side and it attracts the wrong people. People who have no respect for others and often torment other people or bully them to the point they are broken. I had that once recently in a short friendship that made my relationship with somebody I loved and somebody I cared about very uncomfortable. I had to go to the hospital because of that person, because she made me to sick. I didn’t eat right, I didn’t sleep right, I couldn’t think straight, I drank too much because I worried too much. I worried so much and so often that I couldn’t look after myself and I hid it so perfectly.
The hard thing to realize though is my bestfriend left me for this girl, she is still friends with her and she left me in the dirt. She is there because it’s entertainment and fun. She is there because she gets something out of it that I can’t give her so she easily threw me away. A feeling I dread whenever I think about the person I love. Can I not give him something that she is giving him? What ties him down to remaining friends with somebody who made him look like a terrible boyfriend, a terrible friend, a terrible person and most of all made him look like he pitied and hated being with me? What makes him think this person is worth holding onto? What makes him think this is going to bring out his potential in life?
I have all these questions and thoughts and they’ll always remain unanswered.
AWKWARD PANDA 