My Thirty Day Journey: Day 22

“What do you want in a relationship, five things. Go.”

Was what my friend ask me today, totally on the spot.  She was curious.  She wanted to know what I was looking for and she wanted to see if it was similar or different from what she got from other women.  Granted she asked other questions like how I am coping with the break up, do I feel like I really love him, ect.  Curiosity killed the cat guys.  Here are my five wants in a relationship though.

 

Communication.  Not because I am a super feely talky person, I am actually terrified of talking and it’s something I struggle deeply with especially person to person communication.  The reason it lands in the top five is because I struggle communicating.  I need a guy who is willing to put a little extra effort into the communication, someone who will and understand my side and try and make talking comfortable.  For me it has always been a tricky situation because I get super nervous when it comes to talking about my feelings and we I have to talk about a serious situation it intensifies.  I need a man who wont open fire on me when I’m struggling to open up and communicate.  It’s one of the darkest moments for me, the most difficult.  Already being a fairly nervous person I normally don’t like uncomfortable situation.  I want someone who can make even the worst conversation not feel so scary for me.

A life of their own.  I don’t want someone who is hung up on me and I don’t want someone who I end up hung up on.  I want someone who happily lives their life with their own goals, but wants to celebrate those goals with me when they achieve them.  I want someone who might be out with his friends all day but is happy to come back to my place after to just come cuddle and sleep in bed with me.  I want someone who works a long week, goes home and tells me he can’t wait for his days off so he can see my beautiful face.  I want someone who has a life, something thats going on, but wants to include me in his life.  I’m not just a side show attraction, a kinda maybe.  I am a small island in the middle of his heart floating and watching him move forward.

A bond.  One of the most important things for me is bonding time and special quality time.  I like going out and having an adventurous time, going for walks, laying and watching the stars, cuddling in bed and so much more.  Mainly because i can watch my partner and notice their quirks, their habits and their personality.  I like watching how a pair of people ‘mold’ together, how you for habits together and preferences together.  Most importantly though is I like watching myself grow with someone, particularly watching my feelings and love grow for someone and for their’s to do the same.  A bond is this beautiful thing between two human beings that creates such beautiful moments and I want a million moments.

Love.  I don’t just want a relationship, I want love.  I want someone who grabs me and kisses me passionately before telling me how much he loves me.  I want a man who knows I am enough for him, he doesn’t need a single other girl to fill his mind.  I am enough and he loves me.  I want to be the apple of his eye.  I want the purity of love in my relationship because I want whoever I am with to look at me and think about how lucky he is to have me and have him want to spend every moment he has loving me like every one was his last.  I want a love thats more than just unforgettable, I want it legendary.  Pardon me for shooting big, go big or go home.

Security.  That’s the last thing I really look for.  Something I never really tried looking for but I realize it is something I have really been needing in my life.  I want and need to feel secure with the man I am with in order to prosper in a relationship.  Even if he has to give me extra attention sometimes, talk about the same thing three of seven times in a row till I am content with the answer, or just simply tell me he loves me when I feel very sad.  I understand I can be such a handful but it’s so much easier when you feel secure.

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My Thirty Day Journey: Day 20/21

So today I had a mental break down.

To be honest it was brutal because I felt like everything was swallowing me up and I was in that moment I realized when I really need people they likely aren’t going to be there.  I guess that’s the shitty thing about needing people.  You can’t expect anyone to drop all their shit, that’s not fair.  You can’t expect people to take a deep concern or interest in your problems simply because it’s not their problem.  People don’t want to take more on their plate and if you constantly have problems you bring to them they might feel a lot of pressure.  Which could chase them away.

I don’t bottle it up though, I do that and it’s never the answer.  You need to find balance, know what to bring to certain people.  I guess that’s where I struggle because I don’t know who really cares about me.  Honestly it doesn’t feel like anyone truly cares about me and the sad thing is in the back of my mind I feel like if I died tomorrow I wouldn’t really be missed by anyone I really care about.  It’s a dark thing to think, but how would you feel if you’re struggling so bad and there’s people you really need and you can barely give you the time of day.  I guess this is when you start questioning peoples loyalty.  I do all the time.

I Wish I Told You

There’s so many things I wish I had told you…

Yet there are so many things I always seem to keep secret and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid.  I’ve seen so many things in my life that have left such heavy wounds upon myself that sometimes I still feel like I am bleeding on the inside, theoretically.  Things that time to time I wish I had stopped and talked to you about them so I could get my feet on solid ground.  I’m not like that though.  I always just jump in, even when I know it’s going to hurt me, I jump in.  I always have this fear to get everything over with, that if I don’t just grab the chance it’ll never come again, that if I don’t throw myself into life with extreme vigor I’ll be ridiculed and shamed.

I always felt like I jumped in too fast with us.  It was scary and frightening when I made the choice, I felt like I was walking in the dark and I just wanted out.  So I jumped hoping it would bring me somewhere bright.  Somewhere were I felt like I didn’t have to fear the things that go bump in the night.  I used our relationship as a security blanket because I was afraid if I didn’t snap you up as soon as I could you would leave like everyone else has.  The way some of the closest people have in my life and I really liked you so I just jumped in without thinking it through.

Yet I found so many other things I feared.  So many other things that made it so hard to grow in a relationship. Do you know why I have such a difficult time touching you sexually?  Because I was sexually assaulted.  There’s a story to it too.  I was seventeen, he was a good friend of mine at the time and I had known him for maybe a year.  I was deeply infatuated by him at the time, he was so exciting, but he was pushy and he always wanted sex when I wasn’t totally ready.  So three days into hanging out (he was staying in my town for work, since he lived a town over from me) he decided to force me to do something, fellatio.  I felt like it was my fault because I teased him and because I said I wanted to try he took that as consent and when I opted out because I was scared and not ready he just sat on top of me and did it anyways.  It left a huge scar on me emotionally, a scar later on I deepened even more by acting stupid.

Last year, at the beginning of the year I slept with him.  That was who I lost my virginity to.  I stupidly thought that if I gave him what he wanted that would make him stay longer in my life because down the road I started to care more and more about him despite the terrible thing he did to me.  Than he left.  That was just it, I gave up everything I possibly could to him and he just got up and left me in the dirt wounded.  The terrible thing though was I packed away every last bit of that feeling and eventually it came pouring out in a dark realization that I really wasn’t okay with what had happened between me and him and I feel like it conflicts with my ability to bond with you and to more boldly explore our sexuality together.

To me one of the things I really wanted, particularly when I was fifteen, was to ‘bond with a male’ and I put it that way because at that time I had no male bonds.  I never bonded with my father or my brothers, I had a few male friendships in my younger years but I had never really developed a significant bond with any man in my life.  I was actually scared of men, a fear that started developing at seven years of age.  Yet the older I got the more curious I got and I tried so hard to bond with a guy, but it never worked out.  I always thought it would be fire works and magic and often it was yelling, screaming, threats, insults and just pure pain.  I developed the idea in my head that nobody was going to care about me, nobody was going to look at me and go wow she is so beautiful, nobody would find me fascinating, I was never going to be special to somebody and nobody was going to go out of their way for me like I did for them.

Than I met you.  Even though I was very scared there was so much life in the situation.  I found much needed affection between us, something I hadn’t really experienced before.  I myself have always been very affectionate, I was the giver but I had never received affection back.  Yet you had been so affectionate towards me, so careful and gentle.  It kind of melted my heart to feel such passion and such tenderness from a man when all I’ve ever felt was fear and hurt.   It broke me though when you broke up with me because in the back of my head the only thing I could think about was, “Well, you did it again.  You lost another person, you do everything wrong.”  I felt bad because I had tried so hard to give you everything I could give no matter how scary it was for me.  I wanted to give you everything, I wanted something beautiful between us.  I wanted the stars and the moon, I wanted the beauty in life and I wanted a warm secure person to be near when I felt unsure.  When we broke up I felt like my security blanket was ripped away from me and I was back 6 feet under in the darkness.  I was mentally choking.

I had all these fears just piling up at the front door trying to kick it down to get in.  It felt like I wasn’t going to be allowed to bond with you anymore, like I wasn’t going to be allowed to want to get close to you and I wouldn’t be able to act upon that need.  I was scared you would begin to reject me and I would lose everything I worked so hard for.  I was scared that I couldn’t go to you for security anymore when I got scared or nervous and since you had become the person I began to seek out for comfort I was very hurt by the idea that I had potentially lost that.  I reestablished my fear of being treated like some other bitch, a fear that you would just move onto other women and throw me away when I was very much wanting to keep our bond and closeness.  I was scared I was going to have to share you with somebody else and than you’d find them more fascinating than I am and you’d push me away.

I know that’s fear talking, it often talks too much and too loudly.  But it’s fear none the less, it pushes me down and it makes me feel like I’m drowning.  A fear no one should have but I have to live with.  I had so much hope that I could keep you close to me, I could bond with you and build trust.  That I could get past what was weighing me down since it was something I wanted to do.  I wanted to be close with you and share special moments together that are just between us, I wanted to explore new things in your safety and I wanted to build trust.  Most of all though I wanted someone I could share my affection with that I didn’t have to worry about them wandering away, I wanted somebody who wanted me, someone who thought I was just this wonderful young lady and they would do anything to keep me in their life.  They wouldn’t wander off, they would stay exclusive with just me and remind me as often as I needed it to be reminded.  Someone who would scoop me up on a weekend night and kiss my nose and tell me how much they loved me and missed me.

I always wanted a fairy tale I guess but I realize that wont happen.  I realize I am full of insecurities and full of fears that need to be worked on.  That you have all these things going on in your life, things that are more important than I am and you can’t always give me exactly what I want.  Than I realized I just want you, that I was just scared to let go because if I did you wouldn’t be there, but you still are there even though we aren’t together.  I just have all these fears that I bottle up and they get so unmanageable and scary that it causes me to feel so insecure and than I need reassurance.   I always feel like I drive you away all on my own by just being so worried about losing you totally and about being worried that I might lose my place in your heart.  I just wish all the worry would go away, that I could confidently walk in life without fear.

 

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 18/19

Another post done in a pair, starting to get difficult covering them day by day.

I think today I want to just apologize to everyone I love and care about for not always being the best person I can be.  Sometimes I am selfish, sometimes you are.  Sometimes I through fits and get upset, sometimes you do the same.  We aren’t perfect people and nobody expects us to be.  The last while though had made me think a lot about loving people and being in love with someone, yet so many people have different opinions.  To me loving someone is a choice, where as being in love is like involuntarily walking into it without noticing.  It’s more infatuation than love, being in love is normally short lived.

Loving someone is putting them first, your happiness is their happiness and you willing choose to do things that’ll make that person happy.  Even if it’s something just tiny like knowing they like a morning coffee on a Saturday so when you see them you pick them up a little coffee.  It’s telling them something they love hearing, not because you think it’ll make them like you more if you compliment them, but because you know it puts a smile on their face.  Loving someone is sacrificing things you normally wouldn’t because that person’s happiness is a link to yours, when they’re happily living life so are you.  Where as being in love has more to do with how you enjoy them, how you like things.  Being in love is just more to do with yourself than the love itself.  It’s the excitement of what you get out of that person for yourself, not what you can offer to make that person happy.

The golden one is loving someone and needing them to be happy where they are.  Loving someone is allowing them to live their life even if that’s a life without you.  Happiness doesn’t equate to being together all the time, it’s balance.  When you love somebody you allow them to have their moments with their friends, their time with their hobbies, ect.  Being in love is much like greed.  You need them in your life, you seek them out and constantly want more time with them because you don’t want that excitement to end but sadly being in love is often short lived.  At some point you need to decide, do I want to love this person and put them first, choose to make happiness for both of us.

Love is a bond, it’s a deep affection toward another person.  It is happily trying to bring out the best qualities in a person, it’s being there even if it’s not convenient for yourself.  Loving someone is learning every little detail about them, good or bad, and than accepting that because that’s what makes them who they are.  Well being in love is an infatuation, enjoying the fun side of somebody.  It’s that exciting moment they bring into your life and the hopes that there will never be a dreary day because you’re too busy enjoying the excitement.

For me love is of something simple:

Love is a choice.  It’s waking up in the morning on a busy day and texting them that morning letting them know so and so you can tell them how you hope for a wonderful day for them or a wonderful time at work because you might not be able to later.  It’s the need to know every little detail about that person because you want to understand them better, you want to get to know their interest and you want know what makes them smile.  It’s telling them how wonderful they are or how handsome/beautiful they are everyday because you know they enjoy hearing it.  It’s spending those special moments just with them that nobody else in the world could create with you even if it’s not exciting it still makes you happy because you’re in their company.  It’s having a secure place to go when everything is going terribly wrong, it’s a pair of arms that’ll hug you and give you comfort you can’t find with somebody else.  It’s fighting or being upset but still turning about and telling them you love them because you don’t want them to forget.  It’s putting everything out on the table knowing some of it might hurt, but wanting to sort something out because nobody could ever be that person the way they are.  It’s realizing that nothing is perfect, timing is always shitty, but you’d stick around for as long as you could stretch yourself out just continue to make that person happy.  It’s taking wounds and damage and dealing with it because you aren’t just going to replace that person just cause something didn’t go right.  It’s going every mile you can till there’s nothing left.

When I think about it love is like artwork, you have to go all the way and finish it to see it’s potential if you leave it half done than you’ll never know.  Well being in love, it’s like buying someone elses artwork and admiring it till you get bored.  I want to create something of my own with somebody, our own artwork together.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 16/17

Sorry, for once I missed a day due to being out late and not having the juice to write something when I arrived home.  I am grateful though because today I actually have a topic.  I would like to discus something I had talked about with one of my friends grandma’s, she told me this:

“Relationships aren’t all where it’s at my dear, in the long run it’s all about love and who you love.  Any guy can tell you he loves you and be with a bunch of other girls, but it takes a real man to love you and just have you.  You don’t need a relationship to know somebody is important to you, you don’t need one to know that’s the person you currently want to spend special moments with and you don’t need one to be loyal either.  It’s not about the relationship it’s about the choices and love you have for that person.  A relationship doesn’t define your feelings it’s the actions you choose to make toward that person.  If that’s the person you choose to be exclusive with than that’s the choice you make, a relationship is only a label it wont define exactly what you have.  That’s where a lot of people make mistakes, they expect words and labels to make everything but it’s about actions.  A man who truly wants you and needs you in his life will only have room to love you even if you aren’t his girlfriend because you don’t need to be his girlfriend for him to love you and choose you.  If you’re the women he loves and if he just wants you he’ll choose you.  You need to remember words are just labels they don’t make up what you have with somebody.”

I think this is exactly where I fell short in understanding relationships and love because I wasn’t looking in the right spots.  I kept asking people what relationships were to them, how to maintain relationships, how to build relationships and more relationship crap.  What I realize is it’s not the relationship that needs building it’s the bond because when you simply cut out the words ‘relationship’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’, ect.  It’s simply just a bond between two people and those words, they’re just labels.  A way I just wasn’t viewing it.  I kept looking at a relationship thinking that this was the way you found security, this was how people properly love in a relationship and so no.  I didn’t realize I have somebody who loves me and want’s me, he’s just not ready for the ‘commitment’ behind being in a ‘relationship’.

Which is something else she told me, he is committing in his own way which other people have told me too.  By being exclusive with me and not other women currently, that’s a form of commitment.  By spending and making time with me, that’s commitment.  By loving me and making sure I know he loves me, that’s commitment.  As defined: a willingness to give your time and energy into something you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something.  A commitment isn’t a relationship, it’s an action.

For myself I know he’s the man I want to be with, there is no relationship or label needed.  I just want to be with him and only him, he is somebody important in my life who I have great fondness for and I wouldn’t want to express that fondness to any other man.  I think I just foolish wanted the label since I thought it would be a difference between us but it doesn’t.  He still treats me like I am his girl, he treats me sweetly and with respect.  He makes sure I am comfortable and happy in his presence and tries to do what’s best for us.  Which I honestly couldn’t ask for anything better.  I guess in our own way we are together, maybe not in the way I thought we would be but we are.

I think I have a simple idea to this; if he loves me and has the same fondness toward me and we are exclusive with each other, we’re together, no relationship needed.  If we aren’t and he decides to go off and find pleasure in other women and stops putting effort into me, than we aren’t and we’re moving on.  There’s nothing complicated, you’re either in love with that person and they’re who you want or you’re not.  I think I was just looking at all the wrong things in the situation I found myself in instead of noticing he was still here with me.

I feel like I found a keeper.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 15

For once I really don’t have anything to say.  I finally think I have stressed myself to the point where my brain can’t think of a single thing so say.  With every little thing going on I feel very overwhelmed especially with my own feelings because there is so much to feel that I don’t want to.  I have so many questions and no answers. I don’t even want the answers anymore I just want to run away from the problem because it’s too much.  I feel so anxious and my anxiety keeps getting worse and worse.

It’s another day of feeling like there’s no end.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 14

Happy Valentine’s day.

Today I spent a lovely valentine’s day with the man I love, even though we aren’t together and everything is so rocky or at least for me it is…it’s moment’s like these I remember why I fell in love with him.  He is so sweet, passionate and gentle which is something I really admire about him.  I was a little worried he was losing interest in me sexually and feeling wise but currently those feelings have been put aside.  It was a good moment between the two of us because I can say sometimes when things feel so lost and forgotten you forget why people are so important to you and why you should cherish the people who love you.  I always feel like I don’t cherish him enough.

I always feel jealous and worried around him, and jut recently a little anxious.  I think mostly because I fear the worse.  I fear he might go love somebody else or find someone else to spend these special moments with.  It’s a painful though to have when you really care about somebody and want to be with them.  I found something very special in him, warmth and intimacy.  I don’t mean this in a sexual term either, I mean closeness.  I don’t bond well with men normally, men have always been such a touchy subject for me but with him it has always been so different.  I find myself wanting more of him, enjoying those little moments we have and being able to fulfill moments with a male partner that I always find I was never going to be able to do.

To be honest I was always scared of men, I always pushed men away in my life but I have found a closeness with this particular guy that I don’t I have ever felt in my life.  I mean I have had male friends, other male interests, ect.  I have never developed a bond like this before where I feel secure in their presence the way I do.  I think my problem is I feel insecure away from him as we aren’t together and I always get muttled about the what if’s and the possibles.  I don’t even really talk about them I just have a good moment with him and decide not to talk about my fears and concerns because I don’t want to ruin us.  When in reality there will never be a good time to bring it up and at some point I need to sit down and talk to him about what I feel insecure about.  So we can work it out together and find common ground and understanding in the situation we are in.

I chose to stay with him after the break up because I love and want him, he chose to keep me around for whatever reasons he had.  All I want is to work out something so we can comfortably be around each other without my constant worrying about something bad.  It’s not a comforting though and it’s hard to love someone when you’re worried but I guess that’s what people mean when they say ‘love is hard’.  Love isn’t something simple, it’s complicated and it drives you nuts.  Yet it’s something soft and secure that keeps you fresh like clean drink of water.

I remember my friend saying once: A relationship isn’t what define’s you, it’s the love you share together.