My Thirty Day Journey: Day 18/19

Another post done in a pair, starting to get difficult covering them day by day.

I think today I want to just apologize to everyone I love and care about for not always being the best person I can be.  Sometimes I am selfish, sometimes you are.  Sometimes I through fits and get upset, sometimes you do the same.  We aren’t perfect people and nobody expects us to be.  The last while though had made me think a lot about loving people and being in love with someone, yet so many people have different opinions.  To me loving someone is a choice, where as being in love is like involuntarily walking into it without noticing.  It’s more infatuation than love, being in love is normally short lived.

Loving someone is putting them first, your happiness is their happiness and you willing choose to do things that’ll make that person happy.  Even if it’s something just tiny like knowing they like a morning coffee on a Saturday so when you see them you pick them up a little coffee.  It’s telling them something they love hearing, not because you think it’ll make them like you more if you compliment them, but because you know it puts a smile on their face.  Loving someone is sacrificing things you normally wouldn’t because that person’s happiness is a link to yours, when they’re happily living life so are you.  Where as being in love has more to do with how you enjoy them, how you like things.  Being in love is just more to do with yourself than the love itself.  It’s the excitement of what you get out of that person for yourself, not what you can offer to make that person happy.

The golden one is loving someone and needing them to be happy where they are.  Loving someone is allowing them to live their life even if that’s a life without you.  Happiness doesn’t equate to being together all the time, it’s balance.  When you love somebody you allow them to have their moments with their friends, their time with their hobbies, ect.  Being in love is much like greed.  You need them in your life, you seek them out and constantly want more time with them because you don’t want that excitement to end but sadly being in love is often short lived.  At some point you need to decide, do I want to love this person and put them first, choose to make happiness for both of us.

Love is a bond, it’s a deep affection toward another person.  It is happily trying to bring out the best qualities in a person, it’s being there even if it’s not convenient for yourself.  Loving someone is learning every little detail about them, good or bad, and than accepting that because that’s what makes them who they are.  Well being in love is an infatuation, enjoying the fun side of somebody.  It’s that exciting moment they bring into your life and the hopes that there will never be a dreary day because you’re too busy enjoying the excitement.

For me love is of something simple:

Love is a choice.  It’s waking up in the morning on a busy day and texting them that morning letting them know so and so you can tell them how you hope for a wonderful day for them or a wonderful time at work because you might not be able to later.  It’s the need to know every little detail about that person because you want to understand them better, you want to get to know their interest and you want know what makes them smile.  It’s telling them how wonderful they are or how handsome/beautiful they are everyday because you know they enjoy hearing it.  It’s spending those special moments just with them that nobody else in the world could create with you even if it’s not exciting it still makes you happy because you’re in their company.  It’s having a secure place to go when everything is going terribly wrong, it’s a pair of arms that’ll hug you and give you comfort you can’t find with somebody else.  It’s fighting or being upset but still turning about and telling them you love them because you don’t want them to forget.  It’s putting everything out on the table knowing some of it might hurt, but wanting to sort something out because nobody could ever be that person the way they are.  It’s realizing that nothing is perfect, timing is always shitty, but you’d stick around for as long as you could stretch yourself out just continue to make that person happy.  It’s taking wounds and damage and dealing with it because you aren’t just going to replace that person just cause something didn’t go right.  It’s going every mile you can till there’s nothing left.

When I think about it love is like artwork, you have to go all the way and finish it to see it’s potential if you leave it half done than you’ll never know.  Well being in love, it’s like buying someone elses artwork and admiring it till you get bored.  I want to create something of my own with somebody, our own artwork together.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 16/17

Sorry, for once I missed a day due to being out late and not having the juice to write something when I arrived home.  I am grateful though because today I actually have a topic.  I would like to discus something I had talked about with one of my friends grandma’s, she told me this:

“Relationships aren’t all where it’s at my dear, in the long run it’s all about love and who you love.  Any guy can tell you he loves you and be with a bunch of other girls, but it takes a real man to love you and just have you.  You don’t need a relationship to know somebody is important to you, you don’t need one to know that’s the person you currently want to spend special moments with and you don’t need one to be loyal either.  It’s not about the relationship it’s about the choices and love you have for that person.  A relationship doesn’t define your feelings it’s the actions you choose to make toward that person.  If that’s the person you choose to be exclusive with than that’s the choice you make, a relationship is only a label it wont define exactly what you have.  That’s where a lot of people make mistakes, they expect words and labels to make everything but it’s about actions.  A man who truly wants you and needs you in his life will only have room to love you even if you aren’t his girlfriend because you don’t need to be his girlfriend for him to love you and choose you.  If you’re the women he loves and if he just wants you he’ll choose you.  You need to remember words are just labels they don’t make up what you have with somebody.”

I think this is exactly where I fell short in understanding relationships and love because I wasn’t looking in the right spots.  I kept asking people what relationships were to them, how to maintain relationships, how to build relationships and more relationship crap.  What I realize is it’s not the relationship that needs building it’s the bond because when you simply cut out the words ‘relationship’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’, ect.  It’s simply just a bond between two people and those words, they’re just labels.  A way I just wasn’t viewing it.  I kept looking at a relationship thinking that this was the way you found security, this was how people properly love in a relationship and so no.  I didn’t realize I have somebody who loves me and want’s me, he’s just not ready for the ‘commitment’ behind being in a ‘relationship’.

Which is something else she told me, he is committing in his own way which other people have told me too.  By being exclusive with me and not other women currently, that’s a form of commitment.  By spending and making time with me, that’s commitment.  By loving me and making sure I know he loves me, that’s commitment.  As defined: a willingness to give your time and energy into something you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something.  A commitment isn’t a relationship, it’s an action.

For myself I know he’s the man I want to be with, there is no relationship or label needed.  I just want to be with him and only him, he is somebody important in my life who I have great fondness for and I wouldn’t want to express that fondness to any other man.  I think I just foolish wanted the label since I thought it would be a difference between us but it doesn’t.  He still treats me like I am his girl, he treats me sweetly and with respect.  He makes sure I am comfortable and happy in his presence and tries to do what’s best for us.  Which I honestly couldn’t ask for anything better.  I guess in our own way we are together, maybe not in the way I thought we would be but we are.

I think I have a simple idea to this; if he loves me and has the same fondness toward me and we are exclusive with each other, we’re together, no relationship needed.  If we aren’t and he decides to go off and find pleasure in other women and stops putting effort into me, than we aren’t and we’re moving on.  There’s nothing complicated, you’re either in love with that person and they’re who you want or you’re not.  I think I was just looking at all the wrong things in the situation I found myself in instead of noticing he was still here with me.

I feel like I found a keeper.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 15

For once I really don’t have anything to say.  I finally think I have stressed myself to the point where my brain can’t think of a single thing so say.  With every little thing going on I feel very overwhelmed especially with my own feelings because there is so much to feel that I don’t want to.  I have so many questions and no answers. I don’t even want the answers anymore I just want to run away from the problem because it’s too much.  I feel so anxious and my anxiety keeps getting worse and worse.

It’s another day of feeling like there’s no end.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 14

Happy Valentine’s day.

Today I spent a lovely valentine’s day with the man I love, even though we aren’t together and everything is so rocky or at least for me it is…it’s moment’s like these I remember why I fell in love with him.  He is so sweet, passionate and gentle which is something I really admire about him.  I was a little worried he was losing interest in me sexually and feeling wise but currently those feelings have been put aside.  It was a good moment between the two of us because I can say sometimes when things feel so lost and forgotten you forget why people are so important to you and why you should cherish the people who love you.  I always feel like I don’t cherish him enough.

I always feel jealous and worried around him, and jut recently a little anxious.  I think mostly because I fear the worse.  I fear he might go love somebody else or find someone else to spend these special moments with.  It’s a painful though to have when you really care about somebody and want to be with them.  I found something very special in him, warmth and intimacy.  I don’t mean this in a sexual term either, I mean closeness.  I don’t bond well with men normally, men have always been such a touchy subject for me but with him it has always been so different.  I find myself wanting more of him, enjoying those little moments we have and being able to fulfill moments with a male partner that I always find I was never going to be able to do.

To be honest I was always scared of men, I always pushed men away in my life but I have found a closeness with this particular guy that I don’t I have ever felt in my life.  I mean I have had male friends, other male interests, ect.  I have never developed a bond like this before where I feel secure in their presence the way I do.  I think my problem is I feel insecure away from him as we aren’t together and I always get muttled about the what if’s and the possibles.  I don’t even really talk about them I just have a good moment with him and decide not to talk about my fears and concerns because I don’t want to ruin us.  When in reality there will never be a good time to bring it up and at some point I need to sit down and talk to him about what I feel insecure about.  So we can work it out together and find common ground and understanding in the situation we are in.

I chose to stay with him after the break up because I love and want him, he chose to keep me around for whatever reasons he had.  All I want is to work out something so we can comfortably be around each other without my constant worrying about something bad.  It’s not a comforting though and it’s hard to love someone when you’re worried but I guess that’s what people mean when they say ‘love is hard’.  Love isn’t something simple, it’s complicated and it drives you nuts.  Yet it’s something soft and secure that keeps you fresh like clean drink of water.

I remember my friend saying once: A relationship isn’t what define’s you, it’s the love you share together.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 13

You know the worst feeling?  Wondering if you’re making the right choice.

I find myself lately questioning if it’s right for me to feel half the things I feel.  If it’s right for me to question how I feel towards some people and if it’s right to resent some of those people.  I am aware resentment doesn’t get you very far but when someone does something wrong to you it’s hard to look at them and think it’s okay it’s not a big deal.  To me actions are a huge deal and treating people with kindness is mandatory.  You can’t go around treating someone you claim you love as second best.  You also can’t treat the people who put the most effort into your life like they don’t matter in your choices.  That’s simply saying you don’t really care about the person.

I have watched so many people come and go in my life, in fact I’ve really never had a friend stay and it’s a sad truth to realize.  Everyone has left me or I have left them.  I always ask myself if I was right to just walk away from some of the people in my life.  If that was a good choice or if there was something important I threw away.  Granted I always realize if someone really wanted you in their life they would do anything possible to make a place for you in their life and their future.  People who care just don’t up and leave you.  Maybe that’s why I left some of my used to be friends,  because I didn’t care about them.  I try to be a caring person and often I find myself holding onto every reason in the world to stay with people who wouldn’t even bother looking twice at me if I walked out.

I guess that’s the scary thing, when people care they will do anything to stop you from walking away.  They want you in their life, when they don’t care they just carry on without you since it’s not a tragedy for them.  I guess that’s why I hurt so much because I have been watching the people I care most about carry on like I don’t matter and it kills me to realize I wasn’t important.  I was never going to be important.  I was just something to pass time and now that time has passed I was disposable and thrown away.

Maybe that’s why I fear closeness, because it creates vulnerability.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 12

You know the worst thing about not seeing people you care about?  You have no idea how well they’re doing without you or how bad they’re doing.  You don’t really know if they are carrying on like nothing amiss or if they’re lost.  Sadly I know how I feel, I feel lost.  It’s so hard just carrying on when there are people I really want to see.  It’s like a small blackhole sucking me down into the depth leaving me lost and confused.  It makes you realize how important someone is to you.  Maybe that’s my problem though?  I put so much importance in people close to me and when I choose to take a break I feel broken.  

I find it so hard lately just to get up in the morning because I always feel like I am going to wake up and everyone is just not going to be there.  It’s so hard realizing you’re very replaceable and anybody can walk out of your life whenever they please.  I just wish there was a way to prepare better for these events because it’s so heartbreaking.  The fear of losing someone close to you just eats away at you and the idea of being replaced by somebody else kills you.  I remember as a young girl I never feared this as much and I think the older I have gotten the more I valued my friends because I had much less.

I guess people don’t appreciate the value of friendship though.

I have lost so many friends mainly because I haven’t liked something they have done.  One of my friends, I didn’t like how when she left her family with her child I went out of my way to do so much for her and buy her stuff for her house.  She than started ditching me for men she was dating.  Another friend I hated that she always had to talk about herself constantly and all her problems but never mine.  I had so many selfish friends and I always gave everything.  I don’t have anything left to give anymore, I lost it all to useless people I should have ever kept around.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 11

So I made plans to see my ex-boyfriend this Sunday.

I have been writing and rewriting the letter I want to send him over and over again.  I feel like I just can’t say what I would likely kindly and it’s killing me.  I feel like I just get too hard and aggressive in my words because I am unhappy in the situation we are in.  I don’t feel like I can properly give to him what he needs and I don’t feel like he can do the same for me.  Sadly I really want to work something out with him to I an struggling to work something out between us that would work.

Sometimes I feel like we have reached the end of the line.  We both want different things so maybe we can’t provide what we want and it’s just time to move on?  I have no idea and since nobody made this easy to work on it just breaks my heart feeling lost and confused about a situation I can’t do much about.  Hopefully the letter will shine some light on the issues.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 10

It seems so easy to switch back and forth between okay and not okay.  I was so bright yesterday, so happy and full of motivation and it just seemed to vanish.  Maybe because today I am worried, scared about my future and about where I am going.  Scared because I don’t like the things that I am realizing and scared that the people I cared most about don’t care about me the way I thought they did.  Realizing for all the effort I have put into everything between me and others I get so little back.  Maybe I should stop giving?

I find myself often scared to speak my mind especially when it comes to close friends.  I have always had friends who don’t accept responsibility for their own actions so it’s my fault.  When I need personal space people leave me so it makes me not want to let people go, I sit and I allow myself to get extremely overwhelmed by everything going on.  What I need to realize is that if people care they aren’t just going to walk away from you if you choose to take some space.  Good people don’t do that, they acknowledge the situation and try and understand where you are coming from.  They try to understand your point of view, especially if they are part of the reason you are stressed.  They try and do something to fix the situation if possible and they make the right choice for you even if it’s something they might not like.  Good people think about the person they care about before themselves, they ask what said person needs and than see if they can offer it and if not they sit and communicate other options that might work.  Good people don’t just walk off because it’s too difficult.  

Good people don’t tell you one thing and than later tell you something different.  Yes everyone lies at some point in their life, but good people don’t constantly do such things and don’t constantly say one thing and than say another thing.  I had that a lot with an ex-bestfriend actually.  I’ll tell you something she lied about years ago, back when I was sixteen and she was fifteen.  I had met a guy through her, she said that one of her friends had slept with him once and after that they were just friends.  Than this year before we stopped being friends she said, “No she never slept with him, she would never lower her standards like that.”  So it made me mentally question her, but she did this often to me.  People who tell you one thing and than tell you another thing often lie and they lie excessively.  It’s something they do for entertainment and you can confront them all you want but they will never admit to it.  Good people don’t do shady shit like they, they respect other people and what’s personal about them.  They don’t lie about small things like that just because and they don’t constantly lie to people they are supposed to care a great deal about.

They don’t diminish your problems and difficulties in life, good people step up and ask if there is anything they can do or they at least sit and listen.  Good people don’t just say, “Sorry that’s terrible.”  and than leave you hanging when you need support.  Through that I realize I have depended on the wrong people way too long, I have expected the wrong people to care about me.  I had people in my life who would gossip about me to other people and than tell me they never did such a thing, I would have people who tell me they would always be there but than never do it, and I had people who made me believe they cared when they did.

My problem though is I am too sensitive.  I am too insecure.  I am broken.

People see the fragile side and it attracts the wrong people.  People who have no respect for others and often torment other people or bully them to the point they are broken.  I had that once recently in a short friendship that made my relationship with somebody I loved and somebody I cared about very uncomfortable.  I had to go to the hospital because of that person, because she made me to sick.  I didn’t eat right, I didn’t sleep right, I couldn’t think straight, I drank too much because I worried too much.  I worried so much and so often that I couldn’t look after myself and I hid it so perfectly.

The hard thing to realize though is my bestfriend left me for this girl, she is still friends with her and she left me in the dirt.  She is there because it’s entertainment and fun.  She is there because she gets something out of it that I can’t give her so she easily threw me away.  A feeling I dread whenever I think about the person I love.  Can I not give him something that she is giving him?  What ties him down to remaining friends with somebody who made him look like a terrible boyfriend, a terrible friend, a terrible person and most of all made him look like he pitied and hated being with me?  What makes him think this person is worth holding onto?  What makes him think this is going to bring out his potential in life?

I have all these questions and thoughts and they’ll always remain unanswered.

You didn’t care, you were toxic

You know the fun thing about people, they don’t care.

Just recently as some of you know I lost a very close and personal friend to me who I held deep caring feelings for.  She was my bestfriend.  I realize some things about the situation though.  First of all, some things are better lost and never looked for again.  Not because they aren’t worth anything anymore, but because good people don’t drag you down to their shitty level and expect you to wallow in it.  Good people don’t except you to be there for them every minute of them day, but can’t be there for you even the slightest when you need them.

That was my problem with her, she just didn’t care the same amount that I did.  She cared about what she could receive from me, but not about me.  It hurts because it was a five year friendship that I endured not truly being treated the way I should be.  It was five years of needing somebody, but instead always being the shoulder to cry and being expected to be there.  I always answered the phone when she would call me crying about her ex’s, I always supported her through the hardships in life and for what?  Nothing.

My bestfriend let her ex-boyfriend back in 2012 bully me and she often said, “I dont wanna hear my bestfriend talking shit about my boyfriend. Its just gunna piss me off and ill honestly tell you to leave.”  Fun thing, I wasn’t talking shit I was trying to get it through her thick skull that he treated me poorly but she didn’t care.  I was 17 and she was 16, she only cared about the sex and the relationship adventure, she didn’t care about me.  I will actually share with you something her ex-boyfriend sent me:

“Your one fucked up piece of shit, your mother shouldve done more heavier drugss but your still fucked up. You dont ever need to tell me about your pathetic relationships and how you were treated in the past. i can totally see what happened its really really funny. sucks that you can still talk and that no one cut off your tongue. respect is earned right? well having respect brought to you on a silver platter is still being earned you dumb ass. When you start a eassy about your stupid opinions and problmes; start off with “okay i wanna go over 6 things…” get off your fucken weed and go back to school you lousy goof. I dont see you ever being with a guy by the way your head is at, your a major turn off in gerenal to all men unless its the greasy kids that want one thing. One of these days with your disprespct you going to lose Shai and your going to be alone. GO fuck yourself you ugly skank.”

I will be totally honest right this second, if your friend thinks someone who says something like this is even okay and that person is a friend than they don’t truly care about you.  Well, I mean maybe they do care but true friends don’t allow others to bully you especially people who haven’t been in their life very long.  Hey ex-boyfriend she maybe knew him for a few months before he said that.  She picked him and left for pretty much a year and than in 2014 we became friends again.

It was a lively time than and we smoked often and got into trouble.  I remember going out late on adventures and meeting cute boys.  I remember how much I enjoyed her company because we could get into trouble together and it was okay.  I wasn’t a good kid when I met her and she was a bad kid and often we ended up in trouble together.  Maybe that was where we went wrong in the beginning. Neither one of us were good for each other.

What I noticed the most now after spending five years with her was; she really wasn’t interest in me or my day, she really only talked about herself or her problems and that was it.  She always came to me like “poor me, what do I do?” and we would talk, but when I talked about my problems she was always very short with me and would often change the subject or just tell me she’s sorry.  She put no effort in helping me, but I always put so much effort into helping her whenever she needed it.  She would stay mad at me in fights because she only accepted her point of view, she only cared about her and how she was doing.  That was it.

I remember in our younger years, she would talk shit behind my back and I would find out through my other friends (who were also her friends) and she would always deny it.  She would always make it sound like it wasn’t true and she was my bestfriend, so it could be?  It can though.  Just because people are your friends doesn’t mean they have your best interests in mind and often they don’t, they have their interests.  They have their wants and needs and most people will actually walk all over you to get what they want, well at least in my experience.

She was a toxic person in my life who often created little uncomfortable ripples because I cared about her.  When I took space from her recently she just walked off and continued a friendship with someone who bullied and abused me verbally, but she blocked me on everything.  She made it clear to me how unimportant I am and what I really am realizing was if I was truly important to her there wouldn’t have been a choice she would have just picked me.  I wouldn’t have had to fight so hard she would have said “No sorry that’s wrong, I can’t be friends with someone who is hurting my bestfriend.”  She would have done something to protect me but instead she contributed to damaging my life.

So I lost something that meant everything to me, I broke.

Toxic people are all over the place though and sadly you can’t always avoid them because you don’t know what you’re looking for.  When you look at someone, you’re looking at potential not memories.  I’ll tell you what I know how about toxic people though.  Toxic people don’t make you feel good, or rarely do, they put you down either behind your back or passive-aggressively.  Toxic friends spread their negativity around like STD’s because when they feel terrible they want you to feel terrible too and they often will take you down at any cost.  I have watched toxic people ruin friendships just to hurt other peoples feelings simply because they don’t care if they hurt you in the process, they only care about their entertainment.

Toxic friends often use you for their own pleasures, they act and behave nicely and politely but often put on a facade to con you into thinking they have changed or will be nice.  Once they receive what they want they dont want to text you on a daily basis, they don’t want to call or talk to you and they don’t care about you.  They don’t stop gossiping about you or insulting you because they just don’t care. Toxic friends only go to you when life isn’t ideal for them and they know they can get something out of you.

Toxic friends do things that aren’t ideal, they talk behind your back and insult you to other people.  So you confront them and what do they say?  They never said that!  Since they don’t want to admit to being rude about you or treating you poorly because if they did you’d leave, they’d stop being their friend and they wouldn’t have a toy to play with anymore.  They like to keep score of your mistakes with them, they remind you, they like the drama and they cause a great deal of it.  It doesn’t matter the drama either as long as it’s good and fiery.

Toxic people talk trash about the people who are most important to you, even when they know that person is important.  They don’t respect boundaries and often spill things you say incorrectly so it makes you look like a bad person.  What makes it hard though is you often find yourself in the habit of saying, “but we’ve known each other forever…” trying to find reasons for holding ties when honestly there isn’t many.  You are scared to end the friendship because you don’t know what they’re going to do.  I can tell you right now if you’re scared of your friend, that’s not a friend.  Friends are a safe place to go where you can share important information and they don’t tell everyone, where they go out of their way to help you and support you.  Friends are simply just their for you even if they don’t get anything in return.

My Thirty Day Journey: Day 9

Today was actually very satisfying for myself.  It seems the more active I am the easier it is for myself to move forward without feeling depressed or anxious.  It’s often at night I seem to find myself in a rut.  So I have been keeping busy today working on the farm and those of you wondering me and my family own five acres!  I was out working on building something for my two horses to live on, we just put up one of the three walls we need to finish closing in the structure my horses are staying in.  I also went to work and rode a horse, looked after my rabbits and my dogs.  I am normally always fairly busy during the day, I own five animals and work so there’s always stuff to do during the day.

I think night time is just less active for me even when I have stuff to do it just isn’t active enough for me to forget about the bad stuff or to stop me from thinking.  I often try and knit or stay busy playing video games late at night but it just isn’t enough.  My mind wanders off easily and than I begin thinking of things I probably shouldn’t be thinking of.  Thing’s that make me feel sad and unhappy and things that make me anxious.  I end up putting myself in the gutter and it’s exhausting.  Sometimes walking at night helps me, sometimes it doesn’t.  Although the company of a person does slow the thoughts down a little bit.  I likely just got into the habit of it though, thinking about not such ideal things in the later hours.  I guess that’s a part of growing up.  You notice the little things you don’t like that you do and you have no idea how to fix it.